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/ ,.♦/ 



Baker's Dialect Series 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS 



COMPRISING A SERIES OP 



THE MOST POPULAR SELECTIONS 



3n German, French, an& Scotch 



EDITED BY 

GEORGE M. BAKER 
H 

COMPILER OF "THE READING CLUB AND HANDY SPEAKER," "THK 

PREMIUM SPEAKER," "THE POPULAR SPEAKER," "THE 

PRIZE SPEAKER," "THE HANDY SPEAKER," ETC- 



§P£ 



<S»*fcop"%^l 



o. 



OCT 17 18877 ' 



% 



BOSTON 

LEE AND SHEPARD, PUBLISHERS 

NEW YORK 

CHARLES T. DILLINGHAM 

18S8 



.* 4" i 



,~>° 



6 






Copyright, 1887, 
By GEORGE M. BAKER. 



Medley Dialect Recitations. 



HAND AVERY COMPANY, 

ELECTROTYPERS AND PRINTERS, 

BOSTON. 



CONTENTS. 



Hans Breitmann's Party . . . Charles G. Leland .... 5 

The Deutsch Maud Mul'ler . . Carl Pretzel 6 

The Dutchman's Serenade 7 

Dyin' Vords of Isaac . . . . Anon & 

Lookout Mountain, 1863 — Beu- 

telsbach, 1880 George L. Catlin . . . . 1Q 

Der Shoemaker's Poy 12 

Der Drummer Charles F. Adams .... 13 

The Yankee and the Dutchman's 

Dog 14 

Setting a Hen 16 

" What's the Matter with that 

Nose ? " Our Fat Contributor ... 17 

Keepin' the De'il oot .... Mrs. Findley Braden ... 19 

The Puzzled Census-Taker . . John G. Saxe 22 

Dutch Security 23 

The Frenchman and the Rats 24 

Heinz von Stein Charles G. Leland, from the 

German 26 

The Solemn Book-Agent . . . Detroit Free Press .... 27 

The Mother-in-Law Charles Follen Adams . . 28 

Schneider's Tomatoes .... Charles F. Adams .... 29 

Dutch Humor 30 

Squire Houston's Marriage Cere- 
mony 31 

Dot Delephone 31 

The United Order of Half-Shells 33 

Why no Scotchmen go to Heaven 35 

Yaweob Strauss C. F. Adams 36 

Leedle Yaweob Strauss — what 

he says Arthur Dakin 37 

Isaac Rosenthal on the Chinese 

Question Scribner's Monthly ... 38 

" Der Dog und der Lobster " . . Saul Sertrew 39 

" Der Wreck of der Hezberus " 41 

Signs and Omens 43 

A Dutchman's Answer 44 

The Vay Rube Hoffenstein sells ... 45 

A Dutch Recruiting Officer 46 

Dot Baby off Mine 47 

Dot Leetle Tog under der Vagon 49 

Schnitzerl's Velocipede . . . Hans Breitmann . ... 50 

The Latest Barbarie Frietchie '. 51 

Mr. Hoffensteiu's Bugle 52 

Fritz and his Betsy fall out . . George M. Warren .... 54 

Cut, Cut Behind Charles Follen Adams . . 57 

Tickled all Oafer 58 



CONTENTS. 



PAGE 

An Error o' Judgment 59 

Sockery Kadahcut's Kat 61 

I vash so Glad I vash Here ! 63 

Dot Shly Leedle Raskel , 64 

A Jew's Trouble Hurwood . . . . . . . 65 

Der Mule shtood on der Steam- 

boad Deck Anon 66 

Teaching him the Business 67 

Der Good-lookin Shnow 69 

How Jake Schneider went Blind 71 

The Dutchman and the Raven 72 

The Dutchman who gave Mrs. 

Scudder the Small-Pox 74 

Ellen McJones Aberdeen ... W. S. Gilbert 76 

A Dutch Sermon 78 

Shacob's Lament 71) 

Mr. Schmidt's Mistake .... Charles F. Adams .... 81 
John and Tibbie Davison's Dis- 
pute Robert Leighton .... 82 

Fritz und I Charles F. Adams .... 84 

A Tussle with Immigrants . . Philip Douglass 86 

A Doketor's Drabbles .... George M. Warren . . . 86 

Charlie Machree William J. Hoppin . ... 90 

A Dutchman's Dolly Varden . Anon 91 

The Frenchmen and the Flea- 
Powder 92 

The Frenchman and the Sheep's 

Trotters 94 

I vant to Fly 96 

The Frenchman's Mistake 98 

"TwoTollar?" Detroit Free Press . . . .100 

A Frenchman on Macbeth . . Anon 101 

Like Mother used to Make . . James Whitcomb Riley, in 

Neio-York Mercury . . . 101 

John Chinaman's Protest 102 

The Whistler 104 

Mother's Doughnuts Charles Follen Adams . . 105 

Over the Left W. C. Dornin 106 

A Jolly Fat Friar 107 

The Enoch of Calaveras . . . F. Bret Ilarte 107 

Curly-Head B. S. Brooks 109 

Warning to Woman Ill 

An Exciting Contest 112 

A Laughing Philosopher 114 

In der Sh weed Long Ago . . . Oofty Gooft 117 

Dot Stupporn Pony Harry Woodson 118 

Spoopendyke opening Oysters . Stanley Huntley . . . .119 
To a Friend studying German . Charles Godfrey Leland . . 122 

Tammy's Prize 124 

The Scotchman at the Play 1-8 

An Irish Love-Letter .... Geo. M. Baker loo 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 



HANS BREITMANN'S PARTY. 

IIans Breitmann gife a party : dey had piano playin*. 

I felled in lof e mit a Merican frau ; her name vos Matilda 

Yane. 
She had haar as prown as a pretzel bun ; her eyes were him- 

mel-blue ; 
And ven she looket into mine she shplit mine heart into 

two. 

Hans Breitmann gife a party : I vent dar, you'll be pound. 
I valzt mit der Matilda Yane, and vent shpinnin' round and 

round, — 
De pootiest f raulein in de house : she weighed two hoondert 

pound. 

Hans Breitmann gife a party : I tells you it cost him dear. 
Dey rollt in more as seven kegs of f oost-rate lager-bier ; 
And f enefer dey knocks de shpickets in, de Deutschers gifs 

a cheer ; 
I dinks so fine a party not come to a hend dis year. 

Hans Breitmann gife a party : dere all vas Saus and Braus. 
Ven de sooper coom in, de gompany did make demselfs to 

house ; 
Dey eat das Brod und Gansebrust, Bratwurst, und Broten 

fine, 
And vash deir Abendessen down mit four barrels of Neckar 

wein. 

Hans Breitmann gife a party : ve all cot trunk as pigs. 
I put mine mout' to a parrel of bier, and schwallowed up 
mit a schwigs. - 



6 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

And den I kissed Matilda Yane, and she schlog me on de 

kop; 
And de gompany fight mit taple-legs till de conshtoble 

made us shtop. 

Hans Breitmann gife a party : vere is dat party now ? 
Vere is de lofely golten cloud dat float on de mountain's 

prow? 
Vere is de Himmelstrahlende Stern, de star of de spirits' 

light? 
All goned afay mit de lager-bier, afay in de Ewigkeit. 

Charles G. Leland. 



THE DEUTSCH MAUD MULLER. 

Maud Muller, von summer afternoon, 

Vas dending bar in her fadder's saloon. 

She solt dot bier, und singed " Shoo Fly," 

Und vinked at der men mit her lefd eye. 

But, ven she looked oud on der si id reed, 

Und saw dem gals all dressed so si i weed, 

Her song gifed oud on a ubber note, 

Cause she had such a horse in her troat ; 

Und she vished she had shdamps to stipend. 

So she might git such a Grecian Bend. 

Hans Brinker valked shlowly down der shdreed, 

Shmilin at all der gals he'd meed. 

Old Hans vas rich, as I've been dold, 

Had houses und lots und a barrel of gold. 

He shdopped py der door ; und pooty soon 

He valked righd indo dot bier saloon. 

Und he vinked ad Maud, und said, " My dear, 

Gif me, if you pblease, a glass of bier." 

She vend to the pblace vere der bier-keg shtood, 

Und pringed him a glass dot vas fresh and goot. 

" Dot's goot," said Hans : " dot's a better drink 

A* efder I had in mine life, I dink." 

He dalked for a vhile, den said, " Goot tay; " 

Und up der shdreed he took his vay. 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 7 

Maud hofed a sigh, and said, " Oh, how 

I'd like to been dot old man's frow ! 

Such shplendid close I den vood vear, 

Dot all the gals around vood shdare. 

In dot Union Park I'd drive all tay, 

Und efery efenin go to der pblay." 

Hans Brinker, doo, felt almighty gweer 

(But dot might been von trinkin bier) ; 

Und he says to himself, as he valked along 

Humming der dune of a olt lofe-song, 

" Dot's der finest gal I efer did see ; 

Und I vish dot my vife she cood be." 

But here his solilligwy came to an end, 

As he dinked of der gold dot she might shbend; 

Und he maked up his mind dot, as for him, 

He'd marry a gal mid lots of " din." 

So he vent right off dot fery day, 

Und married a vooman olt und gray. 

He vishes now, but all in vain, 

Dot he was free to marry again, — 

Free as he vas dat afdernoon, 

When he met Maud Muller in dot bier-saloon. 

Maud married a man mitoud some " soap ; " 

He vas lazy, too ; bud she did hope 

Dot he'd get bedder ven shildren came: 

But ven they had, he vas yoost the same. 

Und ofden now dem dears vill come 

As she sits alone ven her day's work's done, 

Und dinks of der day ven Hans called her " My dear," 

Und asked her for a glass of bier ; 

But she don'd complain nor efer has : 

Und oney says, " Dot coodn't vas." Carl Pretzel. 



THE DUTCHMAN'S SERENADE, 

Vake up, my schveet ! Vake up, my lofe ! 
Der moon dot can't been seen abofe. 
Vake oud your eyes, und dough it's late, 
I'll make you oud a serenate. 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

Der shtreet dot's kinder dampy vet, 
Und dhere vas no goot blace to set; 
My fiddle's getting oud of dune, 
So blease get vakey wery soon. 

O my lofe ! my lofely lofe ! 
Am you avake ub dhere abofe, 
Feeling sad und nice to hear 
Schneider's fiddle schrabin near? 

Veil, anyvay, obe loose your ear, 
Und try to saw if you kin hear 
From dem bedclose vat you'm among, 
Der little song I'm going to sung : 



O lady, vake ! Get vake ! 

Und hear der tale I'll tell ; 
Oh, you vot's schleebin' sound ub dhere, 

I like you pooty veil ! 

Your plack eyes dhem don't shine 
Ven you'm ashleep — so vake ! 

(Yes, hurry up, und voke up quick, 
For gootness cracious sake!) 

My schveet imbatience, lofe, 

I hobe you vill oxcuse : 
I'm singing schveetly (dhere, py Jinks ! 
. Dhere goes a shtriug proke loose !) 

O putiful, schveet maid! 

Oh, vill she efer voke? 
Der moon is mooning — (Jimminy ! dhere 

Anoder shtring vent proke !) 

Oh, say, old schleeby head ! 

(Now I vas getting mad — 
I'll holler now, und I don't care 

Ui I vake up her dad !) 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

I say, you schleeby, vake ! 

Vakeoud! Take loose! Vakeub! 
Fire ! Murder ! Police ! Vatch ! 

Oh, cracious ! do vake ub ! 



Dot girl she schleebed — dot rain it rained, 
Und I looked shtoopid like a fool, 

Vhen mit my fiddle I shneaked off 
So vet und shlobby like a mool ! 



DYI1SP VORDS OF ISAAC. 

Vhen Shicago vas a leedle villages, dher lifed dherein py 
dot Clark Sdhreet out, a shentlemans who got some names 
like Isaacs ; he geeb a doting store, mit goots dot vit you 
yoost der same like dhey vas made. Isaacs vas a goot fel- 
lers, und makes goot pishness on his hause. Yell, thrade 
got besser as der time he vas come, und dose leetle shtore 
vas not so pig enuff like anudder shtore, und pooty gwick he 
locks out und leaves der pblace. 

Now Yacob Sckloffenheimer vas a shmard feller ; und he 
dinks of he dook der olt shtore, he got good pishness, und 
dose olt coostomers von Isaac out. Yon tay dhere comes a 
shentlemans on his store, und Yacob quick say of der mans, 
"How you vas, mein freund ? you like to look of mine goots, 
aind it *? " — " Xein," der mans say. " Yell, mein freund, it 
makes me notting troubles to show dot goots." — " Nein ; I 
don'd vood buy sometings to-tay " — "Yoost come mit me 
vonce, mein freund, und I show you sometings, und so hellup 
me gracious, I don'd ask you to buy dot goots." — " Veil, I 
told you vat it vas, I don'd vood look at some tings yoost 
now ; I keebs a livery shtable ; und I likes to see mein old 
freund Mister Isaacs, und I came von Kaintucky out to see 
him vonce." — "Mister Isaacs ? Yell, dot ish pad; I vas 
sorry von dot. I dells you, mein freund, Mister Isaacs he 
vas died. He vas mein brudder, und he vas not mit us eny 
more. Yoost vhen he vas on his deat-ped, und vas dyin', he 
says of me, 'Yacob, (dot ish mine names), und I goes me 
ofer mit his petside, und he poods his hands of mine, und he 
says of me, ' Yacob' ofer a man he shall come von Kaintucky 
out, mit ret hair, und mit plue eyes, Yacob, sell him dings 
cheab ; ' und he lay ofer und died his last." 

A nonymous. 



10 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

LOOKOUT MOUNTAIN, 1863- BEUTELS- 
BACH, 1880. 

u Yah, I shpeaks English a leetle : berhaps you shpeaks petter 
der German." 

" No, not a word." — " Vel den, meester, it hardt for to be 
oonderstandt. 

I vos drei yahr in your country, I fights in der army mit Sher- 
man — 

Twentiet Illinois Infantry — Fightin' Joe Hooker's commandt." 

" So you've seen service in Georgia — a veteran, eh ? " — " Veil, 

I tell you 
Shust how it vos. I vent ofer in sixty, und landt in Nei-York ; 
I sphends all mine money, gets sick, und near dies in der Hos- 

piddal Bellevue : 
Ven I gets petter I tramps to Sheecago to look for some vork." 

" Pretty young then, I suppose ? " — " Yah, svansig apout ; und 

der peobles 
Vot I goes to for to ask for some vork, dey hafe none for to geef ; 
Efery von laughs ; but I holds my head ope shust so high as 

der steeples. 
Only dot var comes along, or I should have die, I belief." 

" Ever get wounded ? I notice you walk rather lame and un- 
steady. 

Pshaw ! got a wooden leg, eh ? What battle ? At Lookout ! 
don't say ! 

I was there too — wait a minute — your beer-glass is empty 
already 

Cal for another. There ! tell me how 'twas you got wounded 
that day." 

u VeM, ve charge ope der side of her mountain — der sky vos 

all smoky and hazy ; 
Ve fight all day long in der clouds, but I nefer get hit until 

night — 
But — I don't care to say moooh apout it. Der poys called me 

foolish and crazy. 
Und der doctor vot cut ofe my leg, he say, ' Goot' — dot it serf 

me shust right. 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 11 

"But I dinks I vood do dot thing over again, shust der same, 

and no matter 
Vot any man say." — "Well, let's hear it — you needn't mind 

talking to me, 
For I was there, too, as I tell you — and Lor' ! how the bullets 

did patter 
Around on that breastwork of boulders that sheltered our Tenth 

Tennessee." 

" So ? Dot vos a Tennessee regiment charged upon ours in de 

efening, 
Shust before dark ; und dey yell as dey charge, und ve geef a 

hurrah, 
Der roar of der guns, it vos orful." — " Ah ! yes, I remember, 

'twas deafening, 
The hottest musketry firing that ever our regiment saw." 

"Und after ve drove dem back, und der night come on, I 

listen, 
Und dinks dot I hear somepody a callin' — a voice dot cried, 
* Pring me some vater for Gott's sake ' — I saw his pelt-bate 

glisten, 
Oonder der moonlight, on der parapet, shust outside. 

" I dhrow my canteen ofer to vere he lie, but he answer 

Dot his left handt vos gone, und his right arm proke mit 

a fall ; 
Den I shump ofer, und gife him to drink, but shust as I ran, sir, 
Bang ! come a sharp-shooter's pullet ; und dot 's how it vos — 

dot is all." 

" And they called you foolish and crazy, did they ? Him you 

befriended — 
The ' reb,' 1 mean — what became of him ? Did he ever come 

'round ? " 
u Dey tell me he crawl to my side, und call till his strength vos 

all ended, 
Until dey come out mit der stretchers, und carry us off from der 

ground. 

" But pefore ve go, he ask me my name, und says he, • Yacob 

Keller, 
You loses your leg for me, und some day, if both of us leefs, 



12 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

I e>hows you I don't vorget ' — but he most hafe died, de pool 

feller ; 
I nefer hear ofe him since. He don't get veil, 1 beliefs. 

" Only I alvays got der saddisfachshun ofe knowin' — 

Shtop ! vots der matter ? Here, take some peer, you're vite as 

a sheet — 
Shteady ! your handt on my shoulder ! my gootness ! I dinks 

you vos goin' 
To lose your senses avay, und fall right off mit der seat 

" Geef me your handts. Vot ! der left one gone ? Und you 

vos a soldier 
In dot same battle? — a Tennessee regiment? — dot's mighty 

queer — 
Berhaps after all you're — " " Yes, Yacob, God bless you old 

fellow, I told you 
I'd never — no, never forget you. I told you I'd come, and 

I'm here." 

George L. Catlin. 



DER SHOEMAKER'S POY. 

Der meat-chopper hanged on der vhitevashed vail, 
For no gustomers corned to der putcher's shtall ; 
Der sausage masheen was no longer in blay, 
And der putcher poys all had a holiday. 
Der shoemaker's poy coined dere to shlide 
On der door of der zellar, but shtealed inside : 
Mit der chopping masheen he peginned to make free, 
Un be cried, " Dere ish nopody looking at me." 

O ! der shoemaker's poy, 

Un, O ! der shoemaker's poy ! 

Der day goed avay, un der night corned on. 
Ven der shoemaker vound dat his poy vas gone, 
He called up his vrow, un der search pegan 
To look for der poy, un vind him if dey can. 
Dey seeked un asked for him at efery door, — 
At der putcher's, der paker's, un groshery shtore ; 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 13 

At der lager-pier cellar, der shtati on -house; 

But der answer dey getted vas, " Nix cum arous." 

O ! der shoemaker's poy, 

Un, O ! der shoemaker's poy ! 

Dey seeked him all night, un dey seeked him next tay 

Un for more as a mont vas der duyvil to pay, 

In der alleys, der houses, un efery place round, 

In der Toombs, in der rifer. un in der tog-pound. 

Dey seeked him in vain undil veeks vas bast, 

Un der shoemaker goed to his awl at last ; 

Un ven he'd passed py, all der peeples vould cry, 

" Dere goes der shoemaker vot losed his poy 1 " 

O ! der shoemaker's poy, 

Un, O ! der shoemaker's poy ! 

At lenkt der meat-chopping masheen vas in need: 

Der putcher goed to it, un dere he seed 

A pundle of pones ; un der shoes vas dere 

Vot der long-lost shoemaker's poy did vear. 

His jaws were still vagging, un seemed to say, 

" Ven no one vas here, I got in to blay : 

It closed mit a shpring, un der poy so green 

Vas made sausage-meat by der chopping masheen.'* 

O ! der shoemaker's poy, 

Der Last of der shoemaker's poy ! 



DER DRUMMER. 

Who puts oup at der pest hotel, 
Und dakesfiis oysters on der schell. 
Und mit der f rauleins cuts a schwell ? 
Der drummer. 

Who vas it gomes indo mine schtore, 
Drows down his p undies on der vloor, 
Und nef er schtops to shut der door ? 
Der drummer. 



14 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 



Who dakes me by der handt, lint say, 
" Hans Pfeiffer, how you vas to-day? " 
Und goes for peesnis righd avay ? 
Der drummer. 

Who sphreads his zamples in a trice, 
Und dells me, " Look, und see how nice 1 ?? 
Und says I gets " der bottom price " ? 
Der drummer. 

. Who says der tings vas eggstra vine, — 
" Vrom Sharmany, ubon der Rhine," — 
Und sheats me den dimes oudt of nine ? 
Der drummer. 

Who dells how sheap der goots vas bought, 
Mooch less as vat I gould imbort, 
But lets dem go as he vas " short " ? 
Der drummer. 

Who varrants all der goots to suit 
Der gustomers ubon his route ? — 
Und ven dey gomes dey vas no goot, — 
Der drummer. 

Who gomes aroundt ven I been oudt, 
Drinks oup my bier, and eates mine kraut, 
Und kiss Katrina in der mout ? 
Der drummer. 

Who, ven he gomes again dis vay, 
Vill hear vot Pfeiffer has to say, 
Und mit a plack eye goes avay ? 
Dot drummer. 

Charles F. Adams 



THE YANKEE AND THE DUTCHMAN'S 
DOG. 

Hiram was a quiet, peaceable sort ot a Yankee, who lived 
on the same farm on which his fathers had lived before 
him, and was generally considered a pretty cute sort of a 
lellow, — always ready with a trick, whenever it was of the 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 15 

least utility ; yet, •when he did play any of his tricks, 'twai 
done in such an innocent manner, that his victim could do 
no better than take it all in good part. 

Now, it happened that one of Hiram's neighbors sold a 
farm to a tolerably green specimen of a Dutchman, — one of 
the real unintelligent, stupid sort. 

Von Vlom Schlopsch had a dog, as Dutchmen often have, 
who was less unintelligent than his master, and who had, 
since leaving his " faderland," become sufficiently civilized 
not only to appropriate the soil as common stock, but had 
progressed so far in the good work as to obtain his dinners 
from the neighbors' sheepfold on the same principle. 

When Hiram discover ed this propensity in the canine de- 
partment of the Dutchman's family, he walked over to his 
new neighbor's to enter complaint, which mission he accom- 
plished in the most natural method in the world. 

" AVall, Von, your dog Blitzen's been killing my sheep." 

"Ya ! dat ish bace — bad. He ish von goot tog : ya ! dat 
ish bad ! " 

" Sartain, it's bad ; and you'll have to stop 'im." 

"Ya! dat ish alias goot; but ich weis nicht." 

" What's that you say ? he was niched ? Wall, now look 
here, old feller ! nickin's no use. Crop 'im ; cut the tail off 
close, chock up to his trunk . that'll cure him." 

" Vat ish dat ? " exclaimed the Dutchman, while a faint 
ray of intelligence crept over his features. " Ya ! dat ish 
goot. Dat cure von sheep steal, eh ? " 

" Sartain it will : he'll never touch sheep-meat again in 
this world," said Hiram gravely. 

" Den come mit me. He von mity goot tog ; all the way 
from Yarmany : I not take one five dollar — but come mit 
me, and hold his tail, eh ? Ich chop him off." 

" Sartain," said Hiram : " I'll hold his tail if you want me 
tew ; but you must cut it up close." 

" Ya ! dat ish right. Ich make 'im von goot tog. There, 
Blitzen, Blitzen ! come right here, you von sheep steal rash- 
cull : I chop your tail in von two pieces." 

The dog obeyed the summons ; and the master tied his 
feet fore and aft, for fear of accident, and, placing the tail 
in the Yankee's hand, requested him to lay it across a large 
block of wood. 

" Chock up," said Hiram, as he drew the butt of the tail 
elose over the log. 



16 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 



" Ya ! dat ish right. Now, you von tief sheep, I learns 
you better luck," said Von Vlom Schlopsch, as he raised the 
axe. 

It descended ; and, as it did so, Hiram, with characteristic 
presence of mind, gave a sudden jerk, and brought Blitzens 
neck over the log ; and the head rolled over the other side. 

"Wall, I swow!" said Hiram with apparent astonish- 
ment, as he dropped the headless trunk of the dog : " that 
was a leetle too close." 

" Mine cootness ! " exclaimed the Dutchman, " you shust 
cut 'im off de wrong end ! " 



SETTING A HEN. 

I SEE dot most efferpody wrides someding for de shicken ba- 
pers nowtays, und 1 tought praps meppe I can do dot too, so I 
wride all apout vat dook blace mit me lasht summer. You 
know — oder uf you dond know, den I dells you — dot Ka- 
trina (dot is mein vrow) und me, ve keep some shickens for a 
long dime ago, und von tay she sait to me : " Sockery (dot is 
mein name) vy dond you put some of de aigs under dot old 
plue hen shickens ? I dinks she vants to sate." " Veil," 1 sait, 
" meppe 1 guess I vill." So I picked out some uf de pest aigs 
und dook um oud to de parn fare de olt hen make her nesht in 
de side uf de hay-mow, poud five or six veet up. Now you see 
I nefer vas ferry pig up und town, but I vas booty pig all de 
vay around in de mittle, so I koodn't reach up dill I vent und 
got a parrel do stant on. Veil, I klimet me on de parrel, und 
ven my hed risht up by de nesht, dot old hen she gif me such a 
bick dot my nose runs all ofer my face mit plood, und ven I 
todge pack dot plasted old parrel he preak, und I vent town 
kershlam ; py cholly, I didn't tink I kood go inside a parrel pe- 
fore ; but dere I vos, und I fit so dite I koodn't get me oud efter- 
way ; my fest vas bushed vay up under my arm-holes. 

Ven I fount I vas dite shtuck, I holler, " Katrina ! Katrina ! " 
und ven she koom und see me shtuck in de parrel up to my arm- 
holes, mit my face all plood und aigs, by cholly, she shust hut 
town on de hay und laft und laft, till I got so mat I said, " Vot 
you lay dere und laf like a olt vool, eh ? Vy dond you koom 
bull me oud?" Und she sat up und said, "Oh, vipe off your 
^hin, und bull your fest town j " den she iait back unci laft like 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 17 

ihe voot split herself more as effer. Mat as I vas, I tought to 
myself, Katrina, she shheak English booty goot, but I only sait, 
mit my greatest dignitude, " Katrina, vill you bull me oud dis 
parrel ? " und she see dot I look booty red, so she sait, " Of 
course I vill, Sockery ; " den she laidt me und de parrel town 
on our side, und I dook holt de door-sill, und Katrina she bull 
on de parrel ; but de first bull she mate I yelled, "Donner und 
blitzen ! sthop dat, by cholly, dere is nails in de parrel ! " You 
see de nails pent town ven I vent in, but ven I koom oud dey 
schticks in me all de vay rount. 

Veil, to make a short shtory long, I told Katrina to go und 
dell naper Hansman to pring a saw und saw me dis parrel off. 
Veil, he koom und he like to shblit himself mit laf, too ; but he 
roll me ofer, und saw de parrel all de vay around off, und I 
git up mit haf a parrel round my vaist ; den Katrina she say, 
" Sockery, vait a little till I get a battern of dot new ofer-skirt 
you haf on ; " but I didn't sait a vort. I shust got a knife oud 
und vittle de hoops off, und shling dot confountet old parrel in 
dot voot-pile. Pimeby, ven I koom in de house s Katrina she 
sait, so soft like, " Sockery, dond you goin to put some aigs 
under dot olt plue hen ? " Den I sait, in my deepest woice, 
" Katrina, uf you uffer say dot to me again, I'll git a pill from 
you — help me chiminy gracious ! " und I dell you, she didn't 
say dot any more ! Veil, ven I shtep on a parrel now, I dond 
shtep on it ; I git a pox. 



"WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH THAT 
NOSE?" 

Snyder kept a beer-saloon some years ago "over th^ 
Rhine." Snyder was a ponderous Teuton of "very irascible 
temper, — " sudden and quick in quarrel," — get mad in a 
minute. Nevertheless his saloon was a great resort for the 
boys, — partly because of the excellence of his beer, and 
partly because they liked to chafe "old Snyder" as they 
called him; for, although his bark was terrific, experience 
had taught them that he wouldn't bite. 

One day Snyder was missing ; and it was explained by his 
"frau, " who "jerked" the beer that day, that he had 
" gone out fishing mit der poys." The next day one of the 
boys, who was particularly fond of " roasting " old Snyder, 
dropped in to get a glass of beer, and discovered Snyder's 



18 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

nose, which was a big one at any time, swollen and blistered 
by the sun, until it looked like a dead-ripe tomato. 

" Why, Snyder, what's the matter with your nose? " said 
the caller. 

"I peen out fishing mit der poys," replied Snyder, lay- 
ing his finger tenderly against his proboscis: "the sun it 
pes hot like ash der tifel, unt I puros my nose. Nice nose, 
don't it? " And Snyder viewed it with a look of comical 
sadness in the little mirror back of his bar. It entered at 
once into the head of the mischievous fellow in front of 
the bar to play a joke upon Snyder ; so he went out and col- 
lected half a dozen of his comrades, with whom he arranged 
that they should drop in at the saloon one after another, and 
ask Snyder, " What's the matter with that nose? " to see 
how long he would stand it. The man who put up the job 
went in first with a companion, and, seating themselves at a 
table called for beer. Snyder, brought it to them; and the 
new-comer exclaimed as he saw him, "Snyder, what's the 
matter with your nose? " 

' ' I yust dell your frient here I peen out fi shin' mit der poys, 
untthe sun he purnt 'em — zwi lager — den cents — all right. " 

Another boy rushes in. " Halloo, boys, you're ahead of 
me this time : s'pose I'm in, though. Here, Snyder, bring 
me a glass of lager and a pret " — (appears to catch a sudden 
glimpse of Snyder's nose, looks wonderingly a moment, and 
then bursts out laughing) — "ha! ha! ha! Why, Snyder, — 
ha! — ha! — what's the matter with that nose? " 

Snyder, of course, can't see any fun in having a burnt 
nose or having it laughed at; and he says, in a tone sternly 
emphatic, — 

" I've peen out fishing mit der poys, unt de sun it juse as 
hot like ash dar tifel, unt I purnt my nose ; dat ish all right. ' ' 

Another tormentor comes in, and insists on " setting 'em 
up " for the whole house. " Snyder," says he, " fill up tho 

boys' glasses, and take a drink yourse ho! ho! ho! ho! 

ha! ha! ha! Snyder, wha — ha! ha! — what's the matter 
with that nose? " 

Snyder's brow darkens with wrath by this time, and his 
voice grows deeper and sterner, — 

" I peen out fishin' mit der poys on der Leedle Miami. 
De sun pese hot like as — vel, I puna my pugle. Now, 
that is more vot I don't got to say. Vot gind o' peseness I 
Dat ish all right; I pum'my own nose, don't itV " 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 19 

" Burn your nose, — burn all the hair off your head, foi 
what I care; you needn't get mad about it." 

It was evident that Snyder wouldn't stand more than one 
more tweak at that nose ; for he was tramping about behind 
his bar, and growling like an exasperated old bear in his 
cage. Another one of his tormentors walks in. Some one 
sings out to him, " Have a glass of beer, Billy? " 

" Don't care about any beer," says Billy, " but, Snyder, 
you may give me one of your best ciga — Ha-a-a! ha! ha! 
ha! ho! ho! ho! he! he! he! ah-h-h-ha! ha! ha! ha! Why 
— - why — Snyder — who — who — ha-ha! ha! what's the 
matter with that nose? " 

Snyder was absolutely fearful to behold by this time ; his 
face was purple with rage, all except his nose, which glowed 
like a ball of fire. Leaning his ponderous figure far over the 
bar, and raising his arm aloft to emphasize his words with 
it, he fairly roared, — 

" I've been out fishin' mit ter poys. The sun it pese hot 
like ash never vas. I purnt my nose. Now you no like 
dose nose, you yust take yose nose unt wr-wr-wr- wring your 
mean American finger mit em! That's the kind of man vot 
lam!" 



And Snyder was right. 



Our Fat Contributor. 



KEEPIN' THE DE'IL OOT. 

He cam' to the door o' my heart the nicht W#t Birney 
kilt puir dog Speed for womtin' his Sou'-Downs. 

An' the De'il was a bra knocker. "Dugald Moir," he 
ca'd, loud an' lang, " opit the door ! " 

" Nay," said I. " You maun stay oot." 

" But I ha'e summat to say." 

" I dinna care to listen." 

" It's a bit o' gude advice." 

" Keep it, then. You'll need it afore you dee." 

" But it's aboot Wat Birney. He murdered your auld dog 
Speed. You maun ha'e revenge." 

" The colley was trespassin'." 

" Ay, but Wat kilt him i' cauld blood." 

" Weel, he had often warnt us baith to keep off o' his 
groun'." 



20 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

"But Wat Bimey's bin a bad naybor for years." 

" An' sae ha'e I, for the matter o' that. We dinna speak." 

"Speed's death maun be revenged. Set Wat's fat straw- 
stack afire. It wad mak' a gran' blaze." 

" Nay, nay! " I cried. " Gae lang noo. I willna be your 
partner i' ony sich doin's ! " 

At that, the De'il bided awee. But I cud hear him 
lashin' his tail just outside my heart-door. It was bolted 
an' barred sae that he cudna walk i'. " Dugald Moir," he 
ca'd again, "ha'e you buried puir Speed ? " 

" Nay, Mister De'il. I canna pairt wi' him juist noo." 

" Wat's Sou'-Downs will nibble the sod aboon his grave. 
Better pop owre ane or twa o' them. You ca' then feed 
your loss wi' a bit o' roast mutton. It wad ainly be tooth 
for tooth." 

" I daurna, auld Timpter. The Maister's Book says : 
* Return gude for evil.' Wat's Sou'-Downs are nae mine to 
kill an' eat." 

" Hoot, mon ! Was Speed his ain dog to shoot doon i' a 
minit ? " 

"But he was worritin' the wee lambs o' the flock." 

Here the De'il knockit hard an' strong. " Dugald Moir, 
Wat ha'e a dog o' his ain. Ca' him up, an' treat him to a 
bit o' poisoned meat. That wad ainly be tit for tat." 

" Nay, again, Mister De'il Wat's dog Bruce ance fished 
my bairn oot o' the burn. He's a bra' beast, an' weel worth 
twa o' puir, meddlin' Speed." 

" But that wad ainly mak' your revenge completer." 

" I willna tak' revenge. I'll do Wat sum gude turn i' place 
o' it. I maun heap coals o' fire on his head." 

Then the De'il knockit ance mair. " Dugald Moir, I 
thocht you a mon o' spirit ! You'll be the butt o' the coun- 
try-side. Get even wi' Wat Birney while you ca'. It isna 
yet too late. He's cumin' up the glen. Speed's killin' was 
an insult; wipe it oot wi' your fists." 

"But sister Bel luvs the lad. He'll be my ain brither 
sune. I wauna lift a han' to my brither." 

" Whist! ha's nae mair your brither than I ! " 

" Nay, an' thank God for that las' ! Gang awa\ You 
canna enter the heart o' Dugald Moir." 

There was a knock at the hoose door just then ; an' Wat 
Birney hissel' entered, wi' Bruce at his heels. Puir Speed 
lay deid between us. 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 21 

"Wat wad you ha'e? " I asked, stern-loike, for the De'il 
was batterin's awa' at my heart's door. 

The lad held oot his nan'. " I ha'e cam' to mak' peace. 
We maun be friends." 

But I turned awa' i' anger. " We canna. Dinna ask 
it." 

Ay, but the De'il was knockit fas' an' loud then. But 
Wat Birney cud not ken. 

" Bruce ha'e cam' to tak' Speed's place," he said. 

It was a bra' giftie, but I wadna heed. " I dinna want 
him," I cried. " Bring Speed bac' to life — if you ca\" 

" I wish I cud, moii, for Bel's sake. We mauna quarrel." 

" Knockit him doon ! " shouted the De'il, shrill as a bag- 
pipe. 

I lifted my arm; but Wat was such a slender lad, I cudna 
strike. 

" Dinna you do it, Dugald. I canna forgi'e a blow," he 
said. " I kilt puir Speed, but I'm baith ready an' willin' to 
gi'e you Bruce i' his stead. It will ainly be a fair exchange. 
Here's the colley, an' my han' on it. Cum, naybor, what 
say you ? " 

" Say you willna ha'e his beast or his friendship," whis- 
pered the De'il, peerin' i' through my heart's window. 

An' I said it. 

There were tears i' honest Wat's blu' een. " I'm sair 
fashed, Dugald. I canna gae name wi'oot your forgi'eness. 
It's w'at I cam' for, an' I maun ha'e it. Dinna you min' the 
day I picht Jeanie oot o' the burn ? Ha'e you forgotten 
that, raon ? Bruce an' I togither saved the lassie's life." 

" Speed's murder ha'e crosst that oot," I cried. 

The De'il was for climbin' richt i' then, but I kept him 
bac' wi' my next words. " Wat Birney, I may forgi'e you i' 
time, but it will ainly be for Bel's sake. Gang awa'. The 
De'il is at wark. I'm nae my ainseP this nicht. Tak' puir 
Speed oot, an' bury him. I canna." 

The lad fell doon at my feet. " I maun ha'e your forgi'e- 
ness first, Dugald Moir. Bel loves us baith, an' we maun 
love each ither. Say the word noo ; say, Wat, it's a' for- 
gi'en an' forgotten." I thocht o' bonnie sister Bel, an' said 
the words owre ; but my heart wasna i' them. 

" You dinna mean it," said Wat sadly ; " but I'll bury 
Speed a' the same." 

Then he went oot, draggin' the deid beast after him. I fol- 



22 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 



lowed a' unnoticed. Doon i' the glen he dug Speed's grave, 
an' laid the colley i' it. When he had finished, he knelt 
aboon it, an' just prayed aloud. 

" Lord, forgi'e this day's hasty deed, an' help Dugald Moir 
to forgi'e it too. He's sair angry wi' me, an' nae wi'oot 
cause. But thee kens dog Speed weel earned my bullet. 
Ainly an hour sin he mangled two o' my best Sou'-Downs. 
But Dugald's hate is worse than a'. I maun ha'e the mon's 
love an' friendship." 

The De'il ga've a great boun' and left my heart's door as 
I rushed roun' to Wat's side. 

" You shall ha'e baith frae this minit," T cried. An' then 
my arm stole 'boot the lad's neck, juist as I had seen Bel's 
do on mony a moonlit nicht. He looked at me, bewildered. 

" I didna dream you wod hear. But it's juist God's ain 
gude answer. An' noo you'll tak' Bruce i' Speed's place." " 

" Yes," I said ; for the De'il had vanished. 

Slowly we walked bac' to the hoose. Bel met us wi' 
a kiss for baith, her black een beamin' wi' love and glad- 
ness. 

She wedded Wat sune after, an' for forty lang years he 
ha'e been a bra', true brither. The De'il hasna visited me 
sin'. 

Mrs. Findley Braden. 



THE PUZZLED CENSUS-TAKER. 
" Nein" (pronounced nine) is the German for "No.' 

" Got any boys? " the marshal said 

To a lady from over the Rhine ; 
And the lady shook her flaxen head, 

And civilly answered, "Nein!" 

" Got any girls ? " the marshal said 
To the lady from over the Rhine; 

And again the lady shook her head, 
And civilly answered, "A«b."' 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS, 23 

"But some are dead ? " the marshal said 

To the lady from over the Rhine ; 
And again the lady shook her head, 

And civilly answered, " Nein ! " 

" Husband, of course," the marshal said 

To the lady from over the Rhine ; 
And again she shook her flaxen head, 

And civilly answered, " Nein ! " 

" The devil you have ! " the marshal said 

To the lady from over the Rhine ; 
And again she shook her flaxen head, 

And civilly answered " Nein ! " 

"Now, what do you mean by shaking your head, 

And always answering ' Nine? ' " 
**■ Icli. kann nicht Englisch!" civilly said 

The lady from over the Rhine. 

John G. Saxk. 



DUTCH SECURITY. 

Said Jake Metzenmaker to his sweetheart: 
. " Loweeza, you vas a poody gal ! " 

To which ttiat bright-eyed young German damsel replied, 
" Shake, dot vas nice ; say it again." 

" Py goliy ! " Jake exclaimed ; « you vas more peautiful ash 
a budder-cup, and I hope you vili marry me right away." 

Then that sensible young woman responded : 

11 Shake, I like dot marriage idea poody veil. I pelieve me it 
vas a sensible peezness. Und I like you, Shake, more ash a 
gooble dimes. But I vants seguridy." 

" Vants seguridy I I undershtand no such dhings," said Jake 
in amazement. 

" Nein? Right avay I dole you. Ouf you read dose babers, 
you find out it vas a great peezness by married fellers to run 
aroundt the saloon, und don't like to vork, und oufter the vife 
say some dhings she got a plack eye, and then she vas goome 
by the bolioe court for some seguridy for make him do petter." 

" Put you don't vas pelieve I do such a dhings, Loweeza? I 
gchwear dot, my lofe — " 

" Schwear vas a leedle fence not more ash a gooble feed high, 



24 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

und you shump over him ash easy ash you like. I pelieve you 

vas righdt now, Shake. Put there vas a great risk, und I van! 

Borne seguridy for dose dime vhen you vill be poss." 
" Und you von'd marry me vidout dot seguridy ? " 
" I pslieve me, Shake, it vas petter ve got hira now, ask py- 

Und-py ouf dot bolice court — ain'd id ? " 
"Veil, vat seguridy you vant?" 

" I dink, anyvay, a tousand tollar pond vould be apout right." 
" A tousand tollars ! I don't ouver I find some man vha*. like 

to schain hisself by such a gueldt." 

"L you don'd could find a friend mit dot much gonfeiene* 

py you, Shake, vhat sort of a shance you dink I dake ? 



THE FRENCHMAN AND THE RATS. 

A Frenchman once, who was a merry wight, 
Passing to town from Dover, in the night, 
Near the roadside an alehouse chanced to spy, 
And being rather tired, as well as dry, 
Resolved to enter ; but first he took a peep, 
In hopes a supper he might get, and cheap. 
He enters. " Hallo, garcon, if you please, 
Bring me a leetel bit of bread and cheese, 
And hallo, garcon, a pot of porter, too ! " he said, 
" Vich I shall take, and den myself to bed." 

His supper done, some scraps of cheese were left, 

Which our poor Frenchman, thinking it no theft, 

Into his pocket put ; then slowly crept 

To wished-for bed. But not a wink he slept ; 

For on the floor some sacks of flour were laid, 

To which the rats a nightly visit paid. 

Our hero now undressed, popped out the light, 

Put on his cap, and bade the world good-night ; 

But first his breeches, which contained the fare, 

Under his pillow he had placed with care. 

Sans ceremonie, soon the rats all ran, 

And on the flour-sacks greedily began, 

At which they gorged themselves; then, smelling round, 

Under the pillow soon the cheese they found; 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 25 

And, while at this they all regaling sat, 

Their happy jaws disturbed the Frenchman's nap; 

Who, half-awake, cries out, " Hallo, hallo ! 

Vat is dat nibble at my pillow so ? 

Ah, 'tis one big — one very big, huge rat ! 

Vat is it that he nibble, nibble at V " 

In vain our little hero sought repose ; 

Sometimes the vermin galloped o'er his nose. 

And such the pranks they kept up all the night 

That he, on end, — antipodes upright, — 

Bawling aloud, called stoutly for a light. 

" Hallo, ma-ison, garcon, I say ! 

Bring me the bill for what I have to pay." 

The bill was brought; and, to his great surprise, 

Ten shillings was the charge. He scarce believed his eyes. 

With eager haste, he quickly runs it o'er, 

And every time he viewed it thought it more. 

" Vy, zounds and zounds ! " he cries, ;< I sail no pay; 

Vat! charge ten shelangs for what I have mange? 

A leetel sop of portar, dis vile bed, 

Vare all de rats do run about my head?" 

"Plague on those rats ! " the landlord muttered out; 

" I wish, upon my word, that I could make 'em scout : 

I'll pay him well that can." — " Vat's dat you say? " 

" I'll pay him well that can." — " Attend to me, I pray : 

Vill you dis charge forego, vat I am at, 

If from your house I drive away de rat ? " 

" With all my heart," the jolly host replies. 

" Ecoutez done, ami," the Frenchman cries. 

" First den, — rc.gardez, if you please, — 

Bring to dis spot a leetel bread and cheese : 

Eh bien ! a pot of porter too ; 

And den invite de rats to sup vid you ; 

And after dat, — no matter dey be villing, — 

For vat dey eat, you charge dem just ten shelang: 

And I am sure, ven dey behold de score, 

Dey'll quit your house, and never come no more." 



26 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 



HEINZ VON STEIN. 

Out rode from his wild, dark castle 

The terrible Heinz von Stein; 
He came to the door of a tavern, 

And gazed on the swinging sign. 

He sat himself down at a table, 

And growled for a bottle of wine ; 
Up came, with a flask and a corkscrew, 

A maiden of beauty divine. 

Then, seized with a deep love longing, 

He uttered, "O damosel mine, 
Suppose you just give a few kisses 

To the valorous Hitter von Stein ! " 

But she answered, " The kissing business 

Is entirely out of my line; 
And I certainly will not begin it 

On a countenance ugly as thine." 

Oh, then the bold knight was angry, 

And cursed both coarse and fine ; 
And asked, " How much is the swindle 

For your sour and nasty wine ? " 

And fiercely he rode to the castle, 

And set himself down to dine. 
And this is the dreadful legend 

Of the terrible Heinz von Stein. 

Charles G. Lelaml, from tlie German. 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 27 

THE SOLEMN BOOK-AGENT. 

He was tall, solemn, and dignified.* One would have 
thought him a Roman senator on his way to make a speech 
on finance. But he wasn't, singularly enough, he wasn't. 
He was a book-agent. He wore a linen duster; and his 
brow was furrowed with many care-lines, as if he had been 
obliged to tumble out of bed every other night of his fife to 
dose a sick child. He called into a tailor-shop on Randolph 
Street, removed his hat, took his "Lives of Eminent Phi- 
losophers ' ' from its cambric bag, and approached the tailor 
with, — 

" I'd like to have you look at this rare work." 

" I haf no time," replied the tailor. 

" It is a work which every thinking man should delight to 
peruse," continued the agent. 

"Zo?"said the tailor. 

" Yes. It is a work on which a great deal of deep thought 
has been expended; and it is pronounced by such men as 
Wendell Phillips to be a work without a rival in modern 
literature." 

' ' Makes anybody laugh when he zees it ? " asked the 
tailor. 

" No, my friend: this is a deep, profound work, as I have 
already said. It deals with such characters as Theocritus, 
Socrates, and Plato, and Ralph Waldo Emerson. If you 
desire a work on which the most eminent author of our day 
has spent years of study and research, you can find nothing 
to compare with this." 

"Does it shpeak about how to glean cloze?" anxiously 
asked the man of the goose. 

" My friend, this is no receipt-book, but an eminent work 
on philosophy, as I have told you. Years were consumed in 
preparing this volume for the press; and none but the 
clearest mind could have grasped the subjects herein dis- 
cussed. If you desire food for deep meditation, you have it 
here." 

"Does dis pook say sumding about der Prussian wary" 
asked the tailor as he threaded his needle. 

" My friend, this is not an every-day book, but a work on 
philosophy, — a work which will soon be in the hands of 
every profound thinker in the country. What is the art of 
philosophy? This book tells you. Who were, and who are, 



28 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

our philosophers ? Turn to these pages for a reply. As I 
said before, I don't see how you can do without it." 

"And he don't haf any dings about some fun, eh?" 
inquired the tailor, as the book was held to him. 

u My friend, must I again inform you that this is not an 
ephemeral work, not a collection of nauseous trash, but a 
rare, deep work on philosophy? Here, see the name of the 
author. That name alone should be proof enough to your 
mind, that the work cannot be surpassed for profundity of 
thought. Why, sir, Gerritt Smith testifies to the greatness 
of this volume! " 

"I not knows Mr. Schmidt: I make no cloze mit him," 
returned the tailor in a doubting voice. 

"Then you will let me leave your place without having 
secured your name to this volume? I cannot believe it. 
Behold, what research ! Turn these leaves, and see these 
gems of richest thought! Ah! if we only had such minds, 
and could wield such a pen! But we can read, and, in a 
measure, we can be like him. Every family should have 
this noble work. Let me put your name down: the book is 
only twelve dollars. ' ' 

"Zwelve dollars for der pook! Zwelve dollars, und he 
has noddings about der war, und no fun in him, or say 
noddings how to get glean cloze ! What you take me for, 
mister? Go right away mit dat pook, or I call der bolice, 
and haf you locked up pooty quick ! ' ' 

Detroit Free Press 



THE MOTHER-IN-LAW. 

Dhere vas many qveer dings in dis land of der free 

I neffer could qvite understand; 
Der beoples dhey all seem so deefrent to me 

As dhose in mine own faderland. 
Dhey gets blenty droubles, und indo mishaps 

Mitout der least bit off a cause ; 
Und, vould you pelief it? dhose mean Yankee chaps, 

Dhey fights mit dheir moder-in-laws ! 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 29 

Shust dink off a vite man so vicked as dot ! 

Vhy not gife der oldt lady a show ? 
Who vas it gets oup, ven der night id vas hot, 

Mit mine baby, I shust like to know? 
Und den in der vinter vhen Katrine vas sick, 

Und der mornings vas shnowy and raw, 
Who made righdt avay oup dot fire so qvick ? 

Vhy, dot vas mine moder-in-law. 

Id vos von off dhose woman's righdts vellere I been, 

Dhere vas noding dot's mean aboudt me; 
Ven der oldt lady vishes to run dot masheen, 

Vhy, I shust let her run id, you see. 
TInd vhen dot sly Yaweob vas cutting some dricks 

(A block off der oldt chip he vas, yaw !), 
Eef she goes for dot chap like some dousand of bricks, 

Dot's all righdt! She's mine moder-in-law. 

Veek oudt und veek in, it vas alvays der same, 

Dot voman vas boss off der house ; 
Budt, dhen, neffer mindt ! I vos glad dot she came, 

She vas kind to mine young Yaweob Strauss. 
And vhen dhere vas vater to get vrom der spring, 

Und firevood to shplit oup und saw, 
She vas velcome to do it. Dhere's not anyding 

Dot's too good for mine moder-in-law. 

Charles Follen Adams. 



SCHNEIDER'S TOMATOES. 

Schneider is very fond of tomatoes. Schneider has a 
friend in the country who raises "garden sass, and sich." 
Schneider had an invitation to visit this friend last week, 
and regale himself on his favorite vegetable. His friend 
Pfeiffer being busy negotiating with a city produce-dealer, on 
his arrival, Schneider thought he would take a stroll in the 
garden, and see some of his favorites in their pristine 
beauty. We will let him tell the rest of his story in his 
own language, — 



30 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

" Veil, I valks shust a liddle vhile roundt, vhen I sees some 
of dose dermarters, vot vas so red und nice as I nefer dit see 
any more, und I dinks I vill put mineself oudside about a 
gouple-a-tozen, shust to geef me a liddle abbedite vor dinner. 
So I bulls off von ov der reddest und pest lookin' ov dose 
dermarters, und dakes a pooty good pite out ov dot, und vas 
chewing it oup pooty qvick, vhen — py shiminy! — I dort 
I hat a peese of red-hot goals in mine mout, or vas chewing 
oup dwo or dree bapers of needles; und I velt so pad, alreaty, 
dot mine eyes vas vool of tears ; und I mate vor an ' olt 
oken pucket,' vot I seen hangin' in der veil, as I vaq; 
goomin' along. 

" Shust den mine vriend Pfeiffer game oup, und ask me 
vot mate me veel so pad, und if any of mine vamily vas 
dead. I dold him dot I vas der only von ov der vamily dot 
vas pooty sick; und den I ask him vot kind of dermarters dose 
vas vot I hat shust peen bicking; und, mine cracious! how 
dot landsman laughft, und said dot dose vas red beppers, dot 
he vas raising vor bepper-sauce. You pet ray life, I vas 
mat. I radder you geef me feefty tollars as to eat some 
more- v dose bepper-sauce dermarters." 

Charles F. Adams. 



DUTCH HUMOR. 



A German in a Western town, who has not paid much 
attention to learning English, had a horse stolen from his 
barn the other night, whereupon he advertised as fol- 
lows : — 

"Von nite, de oder day, ven I was bin awake rn my 
shleep, I heare sometings vat I tinks vas not yust right in 
ray barn, an I out shumps to bed, and runs mit the barn 
out; and ven I was dere coom, I seez dat my pig gray-iron 
mare he vas bin tide loose, and run mit the staple off. And 
'who efer will him back pring, I yust so much pay him as 
vas bin kushtomary." 



An old Dutchman froze his nose. While thawing the frost 
out, he said: " I haf carry dot nose fordy year, unt he defer 
freeze hisself before. I no understand <lis ting." 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 31 

SQUIRE HOUSTON'S MARRIAGE CERE- 
MONY. 

You bromish now, you goot man dare, 

Vot sthands ubon de vloor, 
To hab dish vooman for your vife, 

Und lub her ebbermore ; 
To feed her veil mit sourkrant, 

Peens, pntthermilks und scheese, 
Und in all dings to lend your aid, 

Dat vill bromote her ease? 

" Yesh ; " und you vooman sthandin dare, 

Do bledge your vord dish tay, 
Dat you vill took for your hoospand, 

Dis man — und him obey ; 
Dat you vill ped und poard mit him, 

Vosh, iron und mend his eloothes, 
Laf ven he shmiles, veep ven he moorns, 

Und chare his shoys und voes? 

Veil, den, I now, viddin dese vails, 

Mit shoy, und not mit kreef, 
Bronouneh you bote to pe one mind, 

Von name, von man, von beef; 
I pooblish here dese holy pands, 

Dese matthermoonial ties, 
Pefore Got, mine frow, Hans und Poll, 

Und all dese gazin eyes. 

Und, as de shacred Sehripture says, 

Vot God unites togedder 
Let no man dare ashunder put, 

Let no man dare dem sever. 
Dare! britekroom, now schoost you sthop, 

I'll hold tight fasht your collar, 
Unt'eel you anshwer me dish ting, 

Und dat's — vare ish mine tollar ? 



DOT DELEPHONE. 

"I guess I haf to gif up my delephone already," said an 
old citizen yesterday, as he entered the office of the com- 
pany with a very long face. 



32 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

u Why, what's the matter now ? " 

" Oh, everyting ! I got de delephone in mine house so as 
I could shpeak mit der poys in der saloon down town, and 
mit my relations in Springville ; but I haf to give it up. I 
nefer haf so much droubles." 

"How?" 

"Veil, my poy Shon, in der saloon, he rings der pell, and 
calls opp, und says an old frient of mine vants to see how 
she vorks. Dot ish all right. I says, ' Hello ! ' und he say, 
' Shtand back a leetle closer.' I shtand back closer, und 
helloes again. Den he says, ' Shtand a leetle off.' I shtand 
back a leetle off, und yells unce more ; und he say, ' Shpeak 
louder ! ' I yells louder. It goes dat vhay ten minutes ; 
und den he says, ' Go to Texas, you old Dutchman ! ' You 
see? " 

"Yes." 

" And den mine brudder in Springville, he rings der pells 
und calls me oop, und says how I vas dis efenings. I says I 
vhas feeling like some colts ; und he says, ' Who vants to 
puy some goats?' I says, 'Colts! colts! colts!' Und he 
answers, 'Oh, coats! I thought you said goats.' Yen I 
goes to ask him of he feels petter, I hears a voice crying 
oudt, ' Yot Dutchmans is dot on dis line, enyhow ? ' Den 
somepody answers, ' I don't know, but 1 likes to punch his 
headt.' You see ? " 

"Yes." 

" Yhell, someclimes my vife vhants to shpeak mit me ven 
I am down in der saloon. She rings mine pell, und I says, 
' Hello ! ' Nopody shpeaks to me. She rings again, und I 
says, 'Hello!' like dunder. Den der central office tells me 
to go aheads, und den tells me hoklt on, und den tells mine 
vife dot I am gone avay. I yells oudt, ' Dot is not so ; ' und 
somepody says, 'How can I talk if dot old Dutchmans 
doan' keep shtill ?' You see? " 

"Yes." 

" Und ven I go in de bedt at night, somepody rings der pell 
like der house vas on "nre ; und ven I shumps oudt, und 
says, 'Hello! ' I hear somepody saying, 'Kaiser, doan't you 
vhant to puy a dog? ' I vants no dog; und ven I tells 'em 
so, I hear some peoples laughing, ' Haw ! haw ! haw ! ' You 
see ? " 

"Yes." 

" Veil, you dake it oudt, dat ish all vhat it ish ; und ven 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 33 

somepody likes to shpeak mit me dey shall coom right avay 
by mine saloon. Oof mine brudder ish sick, he shall got 
petter. Und oof somepody vhants to pay a dog, apout two 
glock de morning, let him yust coom vere I can tole him 
somediugs, dat ish all." 



THE UNITED ORDER OF HALF-SHELLS. 

" My vhife all der time says to me, * Carl Dunder, if you 
vhas to be kilt by a butcher-cart or ice-wagon, or if some 
shteamboat plow you oop on de river, I left mit no money. 
Vhy doan' you pe insured mit your life ? ' 

" Vheil, I tinks about dot a good deal. It vhas my duty 
dot my vhife und Katie doan' go mit der poorhouse if I can 
help it, und I tink it vhas pest to get some insurance. I 
shpeak to my frendt, Shon Plazes, vhas about it, und Shon 
he says, — 

" ' Of course you vhant insurance. You come into my 
lodge of der United Order of Half-shells. Dot vhas an 
order which only cost one dollar a year, und if you die your 
family puts on shtyle mit der ten thousand dollar in green- 
packs. I calls a meeting right avhay mit your saloon, und 
we put you through like some streaks of greased lightning.' 

" Vheil, I goes home and tells der old vhomans, und she 
says dot vhas O. K. She doan's like to see me die; but if 
some shmall-pox or yellow-fever comes to Detroit, und takes 
me avay, she likes to haf a long funeral procession, und build 
me a grave-stone vhich reads dot Carl Dunder vhas a goot 
husband, a kind f adder, und dot he vhas gone to heaven only 
a leedle vhile before he vhas ready. I shpeak to my daugh- 
ter Katie, und she sheds some tears und dells me dot she 
looks as cute as an angel in some mourning gloze for me. 
So it vhas all right, und I sweep out my saloon, und about 
twenty men come in dot eafnings to make me a Half-shell. 

" Oxcuse me if I vhas madt, und use some words like a 
pirate. My frendt, Shon Plazes, vas dhere mit a red cap on 
his head, und a voice so solemn dot I feels chills go up my 
pack. He calls de meeting to order, and says I like to 
shoine and become a Half-shell. 



34 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

" ' Does he like peer ? ' asks some mans in the gorner. 

"'He does,' said Shon Plazes. 

" ' Und so do we ! ' yells all der meeting', and Shon says 
I was to come down mit der peer. Dot was nineteen 
glasses. 

" Den Shon Plazes, he reads from a pook mit a pine cover 
dot man vhas dying efery day so fast dot you can't count 
'em, or somedins like dot, und he calls oudt, — 

" ' Vhat shall safe dis man ? ' 

" Und eaferpody yells, ' Lager peer ! ' Dot means, I set 
him oop again, und dot vhas nineteen glasses more. Den 
two men take me und vhalk me all aroundt, und Shon Plazes 
he cries oudt, — 

" ' Ve vhas here to-day und gone to-morrow ! In der mid- 
night, when eaferpody vhas ashleep, a tief comes und shteals 
our life away ! Vhat keeps dot tief afar off ? ' 

" Und eaferpody groans oudt like he vhas dying, ' Cool 
lager!' Dot means I was to set 'em oop again, und dot 
vhas nineteen glasses more. Den Shon Plazes he leads me 
twice around und says, — 

" ' Carl Dunder, you tinks you vhas made a Half-shell al- 
ready, but you vhas mistaken. Put out your left handt. 
Dot vhas goot. Now, my frendt, vhat vas der foundation 
stone of liberty, equality, und brotection ? ' 

" Und eaferpody lifs oop his voice und groans out, ' All 
der lager a man vhants ! ' Dot means, I vhas to tap a fresh 
keg; und I believe dot growd drinks more as forty glasses. 
I doan' like it so previous like. I didn't, but my frendt 
Shon Plazes tells me to lie down on der table on my pack, 
und shut my eyes. Vhen I vhas in bosition he hit me three 
dimes mit his fist in der stomach, und cries oudt, — 

"'Vhen he vhas alife he vhas kind mit der boor; vhen he 
vhas death, we forgot his faults. Brudders, vhat vhas der 
great brinciple dot leads to charity und penevolence?' 

" Und eaferpody shumps to his feet und yells out, 'Some 
more lager and cigars ! ' Vhell, I set 'em oop once more, und 
den I vhas so madt dot I take my glub und clean dot crowd 
ondt mit der street. I belief he vas a fraud on me. I belief 
Shon Plazes tells all der poys, und it vhas a put-up shob. I 
lose my peer and cigars, und somebody earrios off more as 
ten bottles of vhiskey from my par, und I vhas no more a 
1 lalf -shell as yoo are. If dot vhas some vhey to insure me 
so dat my vhife und Katie haf some mourning goods, und 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 35 

pnyme a grave-stone mit a lamp on top, T go ont of pony- 
ties right avay. Oxcuse me dot I shed some tears, und kick 
oat'er der shairs und tables, for I vhas madt like some cats 
on a gloze-line." 



WHY NO SCOTCHMEN GO TO HEAVEN. 

Long years ago, in time so remote that history does not 
fix the epoch, a dreadful war was waged by the king of Scot- 
land. Scottish valor prevailed ; and the king of Scotland, 
elated by success, sent for his prime minister. 

" Weel, Sandy," said he, " is there ne'er a king we canna 
conquer noo ? " 

"An it please your majesty, I ken o' a king that your 
majesty canna vanquish. " 

" An' who is he, Sandy? " 

The prime minister, reverently looking up, said, " The 
King o' heaven." 

" The king of whaur, Sandy ? " 

" The King o' heaven." 

The Scottish king did not understand, but was unwilling 
to exhibit any ignorance. 

"Just gang your ways, Sandy, and tell King o' heaven 
to gi'e up his dominions, or I'll come mysel' and ding him 
oot o' them ; and mind you, Sandy, you dinna come back to 
us until ye ha'e dune oor biddin'." 

The prime minister retired much perplexed, but met a 
priest, and, re-assured, returned and presented himself. 

" Weel, Sandy," said the king, " ha'e ye seen the King o' 
heaven ? and what says he to our biddin' V" 

" An it please your majesty, I ha'e seen one o' his accred- 
ited ministers." 

" Weel, and what says he ? " 

" He says your majesty may e'en ha'e his kingdom for the 
axin' o' it." 

" Was he sae civil ? " asked the king, warming to magna- 
nimity. "Just gang your ways back, Sandy, an' tell the 
King o' heaven that for his civility the de'il a Scotchman 
shall set foot in his kingdom." 



36 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 



YAWCOB STRAUSS. 

I haf von funny leedle poy, 

Vot gomes schust to mine knee; 
Der queerest schap, der createst rogue, 

As efer you dit see. 
He runs, und schumps, und schmashes dings 

In all barts off der house ; 
But vot oft' dot? he was mine son, 

Mine leedle Yawcob Strauss. 

He get der measles und der mumbs, 

Und eferyding dot's oudt; 
He sbills mine glass of lager bier, 

Poots schnuff indo mine kraut. 
He fills mine pipe mit limburg cheese : 

Dot vas der roughest chouse ; 
I'd dake dot vrom no oder poy 

But leedle Yawcob Strauss. 

He dakes der milk-ban for a dhrum, 

Und cuts mine cane in dwo ; 
To make der schtiks to beat it mit, — 

Mine cracious, dot vas drue! 
I dinks mine bed vas schplit abart, 

He kicks oup sooch a touse : 
But nefer mind ; der poys vas few 

Like dot young Yawcob Strauss. 

He asks me questions sooch as dese: 

Who baints mine nose so red? 
Who vas it cuts dot schmoodth blace oudt 

Vrom der hair ubon mine hed ? 
Und vhere der plaze goes vrom der lamp 

Vene'er der glim I douse. 
How gan I all dose dings eggsblain 

To dot schmall Yawcob Strauss? 

I somedimes dink I schall go vild 

Mit sooch a grazy poy, 
Und vish vonce more 1 gould haf rest, 

Und beaceful dimes enshoy ; 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 37 

But ven he vas ashleep in ped, 

So guiet as a mouse, 
I prays der Lord, " dake anyding. 

But leaf dot Yawcob Strauss." 

C. F. Adams. 



LEEDLE YAWCOB STRAUSS -WHAT 
HE SAYS. 

Maype somedimes you don't half szeen 

Mine fahder told vhen he vas peen 

Szo vild almost as never vas 

Mit me ; hees Leedle Yawcob Strauss, 

Und all apout thdose tings because 

Vit me he wasn't haf szome ease, 

Nor schmoke hees bipe, nor schleep in peese 

Nor eats szome schmall limburger scheese; 

Nor dakes hees peer nor saurkraout, 

Ven Leedle Yawcob was apout. 

Veil now! I shbiel hees lager peer? 
Mine gootness! dot ish very queer; 
Don't I haf seen him mit his handt, 
Tdake vup some glass of lager, andt 
Schoost ash he schmell him mit hees eye, 
Shbiel him all in hees schtoomach? vy, 
He shbiel more lager peer don I, 
Andt thden he laff, und dance, und szing, 
More like some poys don anythding. 

I took der meezles; veil T shbose 
Dot thdere vas blenty left of thdose ; 
I poots der schnuff inder hees kraout, 
So it make him don't scheeze so loudt, 
I haf der mumps; vot if I is? 
Mine vace don't got szer far abart 
Nor pe szo pig nor redt as his. 

Und thden apout those limburg scheese; 
Veil thdere T dliink dot I agrees 
Mit him, dot it vos szomevat rouff. 
But thden he szay vonce, dat enough 
Vas schoost so petter nor a veest, 



38 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

Und szo I think he kouldn't got 
Enough, so scheap und quivck ash vot 
He haf niit hees bipe full off dot. 

Thdose milk-ban dot I learn to blay, 
I get dot drouble in thdis way: 
Poot pottom up across my knee, 
Schoost ash I szeen him do to me, 
I tumps upon him mit ter stdick, 
Und make der music pooty qvick; 
Vy ish it dot hees hed't vas shblit 
Vith sooch a leedle noise, ven it 
Don't preak oup mit der noise dot he 
Make, ven he tump dot stdick on me? 

Put ven I ask apout szome thdings, 

Vot make hees nose szo redt, and prings 

Der schoomth shbot oudt mitin his hedt; 

I shbose dot I shall know apout 

All of thdose thdings — ven I findt out, 

Und szo I vait avhile, and szee 

Vot 'der next drouble ish to pe, 

Und if der meeschiefs thdake this blace, 

I brays like vot dot fahder says 

Tdake everyding dots in thdis house, 

Put leave thdis leedle Yawcob Strauss. 

Arthur Dakin. 



ISAAC ROSENTHAL ON THE CHINESE 
QUESTION. 

Mr. Rosenthal, who was proprietor of a clothing store 
in Avenue A, had been mentioned to me as an unusually 
intelligent German Hebrew, and I met him at the door of his 
store looking out for customers. As I paused for a moment, 
he addressed me thus: — 

" Gome righd in, mein liebe Herr ! Don'd mind dot leedle 
tog. He vill not pide you. I geeb him to trive avay de bad 
leedle poy in de sthreed. You like to puy zonie very coot 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 39 

glothing? I can zell you dot goat — for — Nein ! Teufel! 
Id is not dot? So! And you vand to speak to me aboud de 
Shinamen ? Veil, I dell you dot you gome yust to de righd 
blace. You bedder don'd go no furder. You yust gome in 
de back shtore. You take ein glas bier? you smoke ein gut 
zigar ? — no, not dot — I call him real Havana, bud I make 
him up-shtairs. I gif you a bedder one as dot. So ! I lighd 
him for you. Now I shpeag mit you aboud derri Shinamen, 
und you put vat I say in de baber, pecause de bublic ought 
to know vat bad beoples dey ish. I keeb last year ein kleine 
shop mit mein brnder — hish name is Zolomon — and ve haf 
yust as coot glothes as dem dot you zee dere ; and von day 
dere gome in ein, zvvei, drei Shinamen, and zay to me, ' How 
do, John ? ' and I dell him dot my name ish not John ; but 
he only laugh. Den he zay, 'You got some coot glothes, 
John? S'pose hab got, mi likee see.' f haf such vay of 
shpeaking nefer heard, but I can a leedle undershtand, and 
I t'ink dot he vill not know a coot goad ven he zee id, and I 
show him some dot ish not of the brime qualidy, and vill 
not last so long as dot kind as I show you, and I sharge him 
a coot brice ; and he look at him, and dry him on, and I dell 
him dot id vill him very veil fit. Und den dish great rasgal 
he say to me dot he has not much money got, but some leedle 
box of very coot tea, und he make a pargain and shwop mit 
me. Und I t'ink dot I make mit him a coot drade, und E 
give him de goat, and dake de dea; and he say, ' Chin chin, 
John,' and go out, and I don'd never see him no more. Und 
vat you tink? ven I open dot dea, I find him one inch coot, 
and below dot, noding but yust rubbish, and some schmall 
bieces of iron to make him heavy. Und so, mein Hebe Heir, 
you can de reason undershtand dot I like not to have dot 
Shmese beobles gome to New York." 

Scribner's Monthly. 



DER DOG UND DER LOBSTER. 

{From the New York Clipper.) 

Dot dog he vos dot kind of dog 

Vot ketch dot ret so sly, 
Uud squeeze him mit his leetle teeth, 

Und den dot ret vos die. 



40 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

Dot dog he vas onquisitive 

Vareffer he vas go, 
Und, like dot vooman, all der time 

Soineding he vants to know. 

Vone day, all by dot market-stand 
Vare fish und clams dey sell, 

Dot dog vas poke his nose aboud 
Und find out vat he smell. 

Dot lobster he vas took dot snooze 

Mit von eye open vide, 
Und ven dot dog vas come along 

Dot lobster he vas spied. 

Dot dog he smell him mit his nose, 
Und scratch him mit his paws, 

Und push dot lobster all aboud, 
Und vonder vot he vas. 

Und den dot lobster he voke up, 
Und crawl yoost like dot snail, 

Und make vide open ov his claws, 
Und grab dot doggie's tail. 

Und den so quick as never vas 
Dot cry vent to der sky, 

Und, like dem swallows vot dey sing, 
Dot dog vas homeward fly. 

Yoost like dot dunderbolt he vent — 
Der sight vas awful grand. 

Und every street dot dog vas turn, 
Down vent dot apple-stand. 

Der shildren cry, der vimmin scream, 
Der mens fall on der ground ; 

Und dot boliceman mit his club 
Vas novare to pe found. 

I make dot run und call dot dog, 

Und vistle awful kind ; 
Dot makes no difference vot I say, * 

Dot dog don't look pehind. 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 41 

Und pooty soon dot race vas end, 

Dot dog vas lost his tail — 
Dot lobster I vas took him home, 

Und cook him in dot pail. 

Dot moral vas, I tole you 'boud, 

Pefore vas neffer known — 
Don't vant to find out too much dings 

Dot vasn't ov your own ! 

Saul Sertrew. 



"DER WRECK OF DER HEZBERUS. 

{Before Longfellow.) 

It vas der goot shkiff Hezberus, 

Dot paddled cross der pond ; 
Und dare vas dare der skibber's gal, 
Of whom he vas so fond. 

Green vos her eyes as summer peas, 

Her cheeks I can't define, 
Her boozum brown like pretzel cakes, 

Her voice a vereful whine. 

Mit pibe in mouth der skibber sat, 

Wrabbed in an old pea koad, 
Und vatched his daughter koff and shneeze 

Ven schmoke got down hur throad. 

Den up und spoke der paddle man, 
" Look 'ere, let's turn ride back, 

A schwan lives 'ere, der peebles say, 
Vat likes to peck und hack. 

So let's turn back, mein master dear, 

Und from this voyage refrain," 
Der skibber blew schmoke oud his pibe, 

Und schmiled mit grim dishdain. 



42 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

Den near und near der shkiff did got 
To vare dot schwan hung out ; 

Until at last, rait telesgope, 

Dey shpied his head und snowt. 

Vel, down it schwam und schmote der shkiff 

Mit all its might und main, 
Und made it shump dree times its length, 

Und den shump back again. 

u Come 'ere, come 'ere ! mein leedle gal, 

Und do not dremble so, 
For I can lick der biggest schwan 

Dot you to me can show." 

He wrabbed her in his old pea koad, — 

His joy, his life, his soul ; 
Und mit a piece of paper twine 

He lashed her to a pole. 

" Oh, dad, I hear der dinner bell ! 

I feel shust like grub-struck." 
'* Vel, hold yer tongue now, Mary Ann, 

Und dry to bear your luck." 

u Oh, dad, I see dot schwan again ! 

He'll eat both you und me ; " 
But dad he answered not a vord, 

For stiff und f rized vas he. 



Den der goot girl she glasped her hands, 
Und through her frost-bit nose 

She said, " Now I avake to sleep," 
Dot she miaht not be froze. 



Und dare, through rain and hurrycane, 
Und through der schleet und schnow, 

Der maiden prayed und begged der schwan 
To pick up stakes und go. 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 43 

Bat no ; he schwam up to der wreck, 

Und den der fun began ; 
He knocked der fellers off der deck, 

But left shweed Mary Ann. 

He picked und pecked der Hezberus, 

Und lashed de pond to foam, 
Und made de poor, wee, leedle shkiff 

Look shust like honeycomb. 



Den by der board der long bean-pole 

Und Mary Ann did go ; 
Und shust like lead der shkiff went down. 

Der sch wan he roared, Ho ! bo ! 

At break of day, beside der pond, 

Poor Mary Ann vas found ; 
Her form vas cold un frozen stiff, 

Und to a bean-pole bound. 



SIGNS AND OMENS. 

" Hans, what do you think of signs and omens ? " 

" Veil, I don't dinks mooch of dem dings, und I don't pe- 
lieve averydings ; but I dells you somedimes dere is some- 
ding in sooch dings ash dose dings. Now, de oder night I 
sits und reads mine newspaper, und mine frau she shpeak 
und say, — 

" ' Fritz, de dog ish howlin '. ' 

" Veil, T don't dinks mooch of dem dings, und I goes on 
und reads mine paper, und mine frau she say, — 

" ' Fritz, dere is somedings pad is happen — de dog ish 
howlin' . ' 

" And den I gets oop mit mineself, and looks out troo r de 
vines on de porch ; und de moon vas shinin', und mine leedle 
dog he shoomp right up und down like averydings, and he 
park at the moon dat was shine so prite ash never vas. Und 
as I hauled mine het in de winter de old voman she say, — 



44 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

" * Mind, Fritz, I dells you dere ish somedings pad ish 
happen. De dotj ish howlin.' 

" Veil, I goes to pet, und I shleeps : und all night long, ven 
I vakes up, dere vas dat dog howl outside ; und ven I dream, 
I hear dat howlin' vorser ash nefer. Und in de mornin' I 
kits oop und kits mine freest'wk (breakfast), — und mine frau 
she look at me, und say fery solemn ; 

" ' Fritz, dere ish somedings ish happen. De dog vas howl 
all night.' 

" Und shoost den de newspaper comes in, and I opens him ; 
und, by shings ! vot you dinks ? Dere vas a man died in 
Philadelphia ! " 



A DUTCHMAN'S ANSWER. 

Bill Jones was going to get married a day or two ago, 
and he forgot whar de minister libed ; so he started to find 
him out, so as to hab him come to de house an' perform de 
marriage ceremony. So, arter getting along down de road 
for tw r o or free miles, he became fearful ob gettin' on de 
wrong track. So he says to a, big Dutchman " I say, can 
you tell me where Mr. Swackelhamiuer, de preacher, lives V" 
and de Dutchman said, " Yaw. You just valk de road up 
to de creek, an' down de pritch over up shtreme, den you 
just go on till you cum to a road what vinds de woots 
around a schoolhouse ; but you don't take dat road. Veil, 
den you go on till you meet a pig-pen shingled mit straw, 
den you durn de road round de field, and go on till you 
come to pig red house. Den you turn dat house around de 
barn, and see a road dat goes up in de woots. Den you 
don't take dat road too. Den you go straight on, and de 
fust house you meet is a hay-stack, and de next is a bar- 
rack. Veil, he don't live dere. Den you will get a little 
furder, and you see a house on top de hill, about a mile ; 
anciyou go in dere an' ax de old vomau, an' she will tell 
you bedder as I can. 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 45 



THE VAY RUBE HOFFENSTEIN SELLS. 

" Herman," said a Poydras street merchant clothier, 
addressing his clerk, " haf ye sold all of dose overgoats vat 
vas left over from last vinter? " 

" No, sir; dere vas dree of dem left yet." 

" Veil, ye must sell 'em right avay, as de vinter vill not 
last, you know, Herman. Pring me one uf de goats and I 
vill show you somedings about de pisness. I vill dell you 
how ve vill sell dem out, und you must learn de pisness, 
Herman; de vinter vas gone, you know, und ve hav had 
dose goats in de store more as seex years." 

An eight-dollar overcoat was handed him by his clerk, 
and smoothing it out, he took a buckskin money "purse from 
the showcase, and, stuffing it full of paper, dropped it into 
one of the pockets. 

46 How, Herman, my poy," he continued, " vatch me sell 
dat coat. I haf sold over dirty-fife uf dem shust de same 
vay, und I vant to deech you de pisness. Ven de next 
gustomer comes in de shop I vill show de vay Rube Hoffen- 
stein, my broder in Detroit, sells his cloding and udder 
dings." 

A few minutes later a negro, in quest of a pair of suitable 
cheap shoes, entered the store. The proprietor advanced 
smiling, and inquired : 

«' Vat is it you vish? " 

** Yer got any cheap shoes hyar? " asked the negro. 

"Plenty of dem, my frent, blenty; at any price you vant." 

The negro stated that he wanted a pair of brogans, and 
soon his pedal extremities were encased in them, and a 
bargain struck. As he was about to leave, the proprietor 
called him back. 

" I ain't gwine ter buy nuffin else. I'se got all I want," 
said the negro, sullenly. 

" Dot may be so, my dear sir," replied the proprietor, 
" but I shust vants you to look at dis goat. It vas de pure 
Russian vool, und dis dime last year you doan got clot same 
goat for dwenty-five dollars. Mine gracious, clothing vos 
gone down to noding, and dere vas no money in de pisness 
any longer. You vant someding clot vill keep you from de 
vedder,"und make you feel varm as summer dime. De 
gonsumption vas goin round, und de doctors dell me it vas 



46 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

the vedder. More dan nine beoples died roun vere I lif last 
veek. Dink of dot. Mine front, dot goat vas Russian vool, 
dick and hevy. Vy, Misder Jones, who owns de pank on 
Canal streed, took that goat home mit him yesterday, and 
vore it all day, but it vas a leetle dight across de shoulders, 
und he brought it pack shust a vile ago. Dry it on, my dear 
sir. Ah ! dot vas all right. Mister Jones vas a rich man, 
and he liked dot goat. How deep de pockets vas, but it vas 
a leetle dight agross de shoulders." 

The negro buttoned up the coat, thrust his hands in the 
pockets, and felt the purse. A peaceful smile played over 
his face when his touch disclosed to his mind the contents 
of the pockets, but he choked down his joy and inquired : 

" Who did you say wore this hyar coat? " 

" Vy, Mister Jones vot owns de bank. on Canal streed." 

" What yer gwine to ax fur it? " 

"Dwenty dollars." 

" Dat's powerful high price fur dis coat, but I'll take it." 

" Herman, here, wrap up dis goat fur the schentleman, 
and throw in a cravat ; it will make him look nice mit de 
ladies." 

•' Nebber mind, I'll keep the coat on," replied the negro, 
and pulling out a roll of money, he paid for it and left the 
store. 

While he was around the next corner moaning over the 
stuffed purse, Hoffenstein said to his clerk : 

" Herman, fix up anudder von of dose goats de same vay, 
and doan forget to dell dem dot Mister Jones vot runs de 
pank on Canal streed vore it yesterday." 



A DUTCH RECRUITING OFFICER. 

The reader must picture a stout, big-bellied, short-haired 
recruiting-officer, with a blue cap, broad, stiff frontispiece, a 
short sword, blue uniform a size too small, and a raw cus- 
tomer from " Faderland," with wooden shoes and a long- 
tailed gray coat. The officer was after recruits for a German 
regiment, and thus went for his susceptible countryman : — 

" Lo, dere, Hans ! Be dat you V " 

" Yaw." 

11 Come me to be a sojer man." 

« Neiu ! " 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 47 

" Yaw, come. It be so nice !" 

"Nein ! I gets shoots." 

" Nix. Py tam ! it is better as good. It been foon all de 
vile. You enlists mit me, you gets nine hundred dollars 
bountish." 

"So?" 

"Yaw. And you gets such nice clothes as never vas. 
Shust look at me." 

" So ? " 

" Yaw. And in the morning, ven de trum peets, dat 
ish de gurnel's gompliments to come an' git your schnapps 
mit him." 

"So?" 

"Yaw. And purty soon, bime by, de trum peets again, 
and dat ish de gurnel's gompliments to come eat some sour- 
krout un sausage mit him, py dam ! " 

" So, mynheer ? " 

" Yaw, it ish so. Den purty soon, bime by, de trum peets, 
an' dat ish de gurnel's gompliments to ride mit him in der 
carriage to see your vrou or your Katrina. And den you 
rides mit him all over de city mit him, and no costs you one 
tam cent. And bime by de trum peets, and dat ish de gur- 
nel's gompliments to come and schmoke a bipe mit him! 
And den bime by, purty soon, right away, de trum peets de 
tuyful, and dat ish de gurnel's gompliments to come and 
get you nine hundred tollars bountish, I tinks, but guess 
not, py tam ! " 

"Yaw! Sogoot?" 

" Yaw ! And den de General and Bresident shake hands 
mit you, and you eat krout mit de President's vrou, and 
shust live like one fighting rooster, by tam ! And den in a 
little wile you say der Bresident be one nice man, and you 
gets another hundred tollars bountish ; and de Bresident 
makes one grand general mit you, purty soon I guess, but I 
tink not. You go mit me? " 

" Yaw ! " 

DOT BABY OFF MINE. 

Mine cracious! mine cracious! shust look here und see 
A Deutscher so habby as habby can pe ! 
Der beoples all dink dot no prains I haf got; 
Vas grazy mit trinking, or someding like dot : 



48 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS, 

Id vasn't pecause I trinks lager und vine; 
Id vas all on aggount off dot baby off mine. 

Dot schmall leedle vellow I dells you vas qveer ; 
Not mooch pigger roundt as a goot glass of peer ; 
Mit a bare-footed hed, und nose but a schpeck ; 
A mout dot goes most to der pack off his neck ; 
Und his leedle pink toes mit der rest all combine 
To gif sooch a charm to dot baby off mine. 

I dells you dot baby vas von off der poys, 

Und beats leedle Yawcob for making a noise. 

He shust has pecun to shbeak goot English too ; 

Says " Mamma '* und " Papa," und somedimes " Ah, goo I " 

You don'd find a baby den dimes oudt off nine 

Dot vas qvite so schmart as dot baby off mine. 

He grawls der vloor ofer, und drows dings aboudt, 

Und poots eferyding he can find in his mout ; 

He dumbles der shtairs down, und falls vrom his chair, 

Und gifes mine Katrina von derrible sckare. 

Mine hair shtands like shquills on a mat borcubine 

Ven I dinks off dose pranks off dot baby off mine. 

Dere vas someding, you pet, I don'd likes pooty veil, — 
To hear in der nighdt dimes dot young Deutscher yell, 
Und dravel der ped-room midout many clo'es, 
Vhile der chills down der shpine off mine pack quicklj 



Dose leedle shimnasdic dricks vasn't so fine 
Dot I cuts oup at nighdt mit dot baby off mine. 

Veil, dese leedle schafers vas going to pe men, 
Und all of dese droubles vill peen ofer den : 
Dey vill vear a vhite shirt-vront inshtead off a bib, 
Und vouldn't got tucked oup at nighdt in deir crib. 
Veil, veil, ven I'm feeble, und in life's decline, 
May mine oldt age pe cheered py dot baby off mine 1 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 49 



DOT LEETLE TOG UNDER DER VAGON. 

" Coom, vife," says goot oldt farmer Gray, 
" Git on your tings : dot's markets-tay. 
Ve'li go so quick vot ve can to town, 
Und pack again 'fore dot sun coomes down. 
Shpot ! No: ve'll leave oldt Shpot behint." 
But Shpot he parked, und Shpot he vhined, 
Und soon made out his toggish mind 
To shteal avay under dot vagon. 

Avay dey vent at a merry pace ; 
But some sad coomes into dot farmer's face ; 
Und he said, " Poor Shpot ! he did vant to come, 
But maype dot's petter he's leaved at home. 
He'll vatch de parn, und he'll vatch de cot, 
Und keep dose catties out of de lot." 
" I'm not so sure of dot," growled Shpot, 
On a dog-trot under dot vagon. 

So soon as all dose tings vas sold, 
Und he gits his pay in silber und gold, 
He shtarted home, a quarter past dark, 
Across a lonesomely forest. Hark I 
A robber shumps from pehind a tree: 
' " Your money or your life ! " says he. 
It's a cross-eyed moon, so he don't can see 
Dot leetle tog under de vagon. 

Den Shpot parked vonce, und vonce he vhined, 
Und he grapped dot tief- py de pants pehind; 
He dragged him down in de mud und dirt; 
He teared his coat, likevise his shirt ; 
Und dot tief in de mud got nearly drowned, 
Und he don't could rise pooty kvick off de ground; 
So his leeks und arms de farmer bound, 
Und histed him into dot vagon. 

So Shpot he safed de farmer's life, 
Also his money, likevise his vife; 
Und now a hero grand und gay, 
A silber necktie he vears to-day. 



50 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

He goes verefer his master goes ; 
Unci you bet he holds pooty high his nose, 
Mit lots of frients, und not any foes, — 
Dot leetle tog under de vagon. 



SCHNITZERL/S VELOCIPEDE. 

Hans Schnitzerl made a velocipede, 

Vone of dot newest kind ; 
It didn't hafe no vheel before, 

Und der vasn't none pehind. 

Aber dere vas vone in de middle, dhough, 

Dat's shust as sure as eggs ; 
Und he shtraddled across dot axle, 

Mit de vheel between his legs. 

Und vhen he vants to shtart it off, . 

He paddled mit his feet, 
Und soon he made it gone so fast 

Dat eferytings he beat. 

He took it out on Broadway vonce, 

Und shkeeted like de vind. 
Phew ! how he passed dot fancy schaps \ 

He leafed dem all pehind. 

Dem fellers on dose shtylish nags 

Pulled up to see him pass ; 
Und der Deutschers, all ockstonished, cried, 

; ' Potz tauzand ! Vas ist das? " 

But faster shtill Ilerr Schnitzerl flew, — 

On, mit a ghastly schmile : 
He didn't touch de ground, py Jinks, 

.Not vonce in half a mile. 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 51 

So vas it mit Hen- Schnitzerl 

Und his velocipede : 
His feet both shlipped right inside out 

Vhen at its extra shpeed. 

He failed upon dot vheel, of course : 

Dot vheel like blitzen flew ; 
Und Schnitzerl, he vas sehnieht in vacht, 

Dot schliced hiui grode in two. 

Hans Breitmann. 



THE LATEST BARBARIE FRIETCHIE. 

Id was droo der sdreeds of Fredericksdown ; 
Der red-hot zun he vas shine him down. 

Bast der zaloons all lilt mit bier, 
Der rebel vellers valked on deir ear. 

All day droo Fredericksdown so fast, 
Horses, und guns, und sozers bast. 

Der rebel flags he shone him out so bridt, 
As if, by Jinks! he got some ridt. 

Vere vas der Onion flag ? Der zun 
He look him down not on a vun. 

Up jumped dot olt Miss Frietchie den, 
Zo oldt by ninescore years and ten. 

She grabbed up der old flag der men haul down, 
And fasen'd id quick by her nidtgown. 

Den she sot by der vindow ver all could see, 
Dere vas none vot lofe dot flag so free. 

Purty soon come ridin' up Stonewall Jack, 
Sittin' from der mittle of his horse's back. 

Under him brow he squint him's eyes. 
Dot flag ! Dot make him great surprise. 



52 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

Halt! each feller, make him sdill ! 
Fire ! vas echoed from hill do hill. 

Id busted der sdrrags from dot nidtgown, 
But Barbarie Frietchie, she vas around. 

She grabbed the flag again so guick, 

Uud oud of the vindow her arms did sdick. 

" Obuse if you would dis olt bald head, 
But leave alone dot flag ! " she said. 

Zo soon, so guick as Jack could do, 
He holler him oud mit a face so blue: 

" Who bulls a hair oud of dat bald head 
Dies awful guick. Go aheat ! " he said. 

Und all dot day, und all dot nite, 
Till efery rebel vas oud of site, 

Und leave behind him dot Fredericksdown, 
Dot flag he vas sthicken by dot nidtgown. 

Dame Barbarie Frietchie's vork is done, 
She don't forever get some fun. 

Bully for her ! und drop a tear 

For dot old vomans midout some fear. 



MR. HOFFENSTEIN'S BUGLE. 

" Mr. Hoffenstein," said Herman, as he folded up a pair 
of pants, and placed them on a pile, " if you don't haf any 
objections, I vould like to get from de store avay von efening, 
und go mit de soldiers to de Spanish Fort." 

"Veil, Herman, I dinks you had better keep avay from de 
soldiers," replied Hoffenstein, " und stay mit de store, be- 
cause, you know, you don't can put any confidence mit de 
soldiers — 1 vill tell you vhy. Von day, vile I vas in Vicks- 
burg during de var, a cock-eyed soldier came in my store mit 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 53 

an old bugle in his hand, mid he looks around. I asks him 
vat he vants, und he buys a couple of undershirts ; den 
he tells me to keep his bundle and his bugle behind de 
counter until he comes back. After de cock-eyed soldier 
vent de store out, some more soldiers come in und valk all 
around, vile dey look at de goods. ' Shentlemens,' I says, ' do 
you vant anydings ? ' — ' Ve are shust looking to see vat you 
haf,' said one of dem ; und after avile anodder says, ' Bill, 
shust look dere at de bugle ! de very ding de captain told us 
to get. You know ve don't haf any bugle in de company for 
dree months. — How much you ask for dot bugle ? ' I dells 
dem dot I don't can sell de bugle, because it belongs to a man 
vat shust vent oud. * I vill gif you fifty dollars for it,' says 
de soldier, pulling his money oud. I dells him I don't can 
sell it, because it vasn't mine. ' I vill gif you one hundred 
dollars,' he said. Mine gr-r-acious ! Herman, I vants to sell 
de bugle so bad dot I vistles. De soldiers dells me, vile dey 
vas leaving de store, dot if I buy de bugle from de man vot 
owns it, dey vill gif me one hundred und dwendy-five dollars 
for it. I dells dem I vill do it. I sees a chance, you know, 
Herman, to make some money py the oberation. Ven de 
cock-eyed soldier conies back he says, ' Gif me my bundle 
und bugle; I got to go to de camp.' I says, 'Mine frent, 
don't you vant to sell your bugle ? ' He dells me no, und I 
says, ' My little boy, Leopold, vot plays in de store, sees de 
bugle, und he goes all around crying shust so loud as he can, 
because he don't get it. Six times I takes him in de yard 
und vips him, und he comes right back und cries for de 
bugle. It shows, you know, how much drouble a man vill 
haf mit a family. I vill gif you den dollars for it, shust to 
please little Leopold.' De soldier von't dake it; und at last 
I offer him fifty dollars, und he says, ' Veil, I vill dake fifty 
dollars, because I can't vaste any more time: I haf to go to 
de camp.' Afder he goes avay, I goes to de door, und vatches 
for de soldiers vat vanted de bugle. I sees dem passing 
along de street, und I says, ' My f rents, I haf got de bugle ; ' 
und dey say, ' Veil, hang it ! vy don't you blow it? ' Mine 
gr-r-acious! Herman, vat you dink ? All dem soldiers belong 
to de same crowd, und dey make de trick to swindle me. 
Levi Cohen, across de street, he finds it out, und efery day 
he gets boys to blow horns in front of mine store, so as to 
make me dink how I vas swindled. Herman, J dink you 
had better stay mit de store." 



54 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 



FRITZ AND HIS BETSY FALL OUT. 

Draw oop dem bapers, lawyer, und make 'em shtrong and 

lawful. 
My house vas getting oopside oudt, und Baitsy she vas 

awful. 
Dere's no use talk in', ve can't agree. Sooch aickshuns I 

nailer saw ; 
To tell you der troot, between you und me, she vas vorse as 

a mudder-in-law. 
Ven I virst got married mit Baitsy, I liked her pooty veil, 
But now she vas got more stubborn vot nopody can dell ; 
I've talked mit her togedder, vor two veeks aifery tay, 
Und der furder we vas togedder, der nearer ve vas avay. 



Dot all gomrnenced aboudt der Pible : I youst took it down 

vrom der shelf, — 
Dot's a ding I naifer look into mooch : you know how dot 

vas, yourself, — 
Und I vas a-reading 'boudt Daniel, how he shoomped in der 

lion's den, 
Und youst a leedle farder along, I vas reading dem lines 

den 
Vere it says, " Und Daniel got hees back oop — righdt oop 

against der vail ; 
Bud der lions don'd vas shkared — dey didn't do none not- 

ting at all.*' 
Und ven I read dot shapter dru, ve both vas a goot deal 

puzzled ; 
Und I says, " Baitsy, now I see how t'vas, dem lions must 

bin muzzled." 



She told me I vas lyin' ; dot vas not vot it meant. 

I said she vas anudder, und dot's youst der vay it vent ; 

Und den she vas got awful mad, und dold me to my vace, 

" I vish, py shinks ! dot Dan vas oudt, und you vas een hees 
blace." 

" Veil," I says, " I'm villings to shange mit Daniel ; let heem 
comb und lif mit you, 

Und I'll go and shoomp een der lion's den, und enshoy ray- 
self better'n I do 1 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. OO 

Bud vot een der dooce vould Daniel dink ov I ashk heem to 

shange mit me ? 
He vould say, i Oh, no ! I know Baitsy too veil. I vould 

rather shtay vere I be." 
She shoomped righdt gwick vor der broomshtick, und vas 

goin' to gife me a douse ; 
Bud ven she turned roundt to shtruck me, she vas all alone 

in der house ; 
Dot's der reason I comb to talk to you aboudt der varm und 

homeshtead. 
Dere moosht no vone trust Baitsy on ray aggount : she left 

my board und bedshtead. 

Vone day she vanted soam vater, und dold me to go oud 

und pump it. 
I dold her I vouldn't do it, und ov she didn't like she could 

lump it. 
She shoked me oop against der vail, und shut my vindpipe 

off ; 
I tell you I seen shtars dot time, und I dought my head 

vas off. 
Py krashus ! She's liable to kill me mit vatefer she gets her 

hands on, 
Und I get mixed oop so, I can't tell vich endt my head 

shtands on. 
She shtruck me vonce mit a cord-wood shtick, righdt on der 

shpiue ov my back. 

I lefd her home, und vrom dot day till dees — vor dree veeks 
— I didn't comb back. i 

I dell you, Meesder Lawyer, it beats all vot I've endoored, 
Besides der money I've baid oudt to keeb my life eushoored. 
Der more I dink ov dese dings, der less I vant to, sir, 
Und der more I dink ov Baitsey, der less I dink ov her. 

Der virst time I aifer met her, I vas shtruck mit her vinning 

vay ; 
Bud now a shange vas tooken blace — I get shtruck in a 

deafferent vay. % 

Dot time ven ve got married, she vas a lass een shkooT, 
Und I vas youst aboudt the same — alas ! I vas a vool. 



56 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

She alvays used to shmile so nice venefer I shanced to meet 

her, 
I didn't dought she vould become sooch an orvul oogly 

creetur ; 
Bud shoore I vas meesdaken, und I got beat like der dooce ; 
Ov you could only hear her, you'd dink her jaw vas loose. 

Vone day she says, "Shut oop your moudt! your blabbin' 

all der time! " 
I says " I vouldn't do it " — dot's der kind ov a Dootchman I 

am. 
Und den, bevore I knew it, she took me by soorbrise, 
Und keeked me oudt der house, sir — righdt bevore my vace 

und eyes ! 
I tell you vat it vas, sir, T velt a goot deal put oudt, 
To hafe my own belofed vife tell me to shut my moudt, 
Und, because I dought I vouldn't, to keek me oudt der door. 
Youst on aggouut sooch aickshuns, dot's vy I veel so sore. 

I've yelled und shkolded at her until my droat vas hoarse; 
Bud dot naifer didn't do no goot — she's gettin' vorse und 

vorse ; 
Und I've made oop my mind oudt, dot vas my only course 
To comb here und get your adwice — und also a diworce. 

You talk 'boudt bein' henpecked, und ruled by voman's 

tongue, 
I tell you vat it is, sir, I'm vorse off den Prigham Young. 
So wrode oop dot baper, lawyer, und draw it righdt avay, 
Und I'll take it home to Baitsy, und see vot she vill say. 

Und den to-morrow morning I vill sell aiferyding I own, 
Und bid Baitsy und our shild goot-by, und go oudt een der 

vorld alone. 
Und ven I dink ov Baitsy a dousand milse avay, 
I'll baed she'll vant to hafe me comb righdt back home und 

shtay. 
Bud I naifer vill comb back again, unless she's tooken sick, 
Ov she is, you tailegraf me to comb back pooty gwick. 
Remaimbfr vot J tell you, und don'd keeb me in soosbense; 
Youst bay the tailegrafer, und sharge to my oxbense. 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 57 

Dot puts me een mind ov someding dot I can't dink ov now; 
I can't reinaimber vot I vorget — dot beats all, ainyhow ! 
Oh ! now I've got it — wrode it down, dot ven I'm dead und 

gone, 
Baitsy'll bring back me to her, und bury me een der lawn. 
Und on my tombstone let it read, in ledders large und blain, 
" Here lies Shon Shtuffenheimer, and hees vife she is to 

blame." 
Und I hope dot in a veek or two, righdt after I hafe died, 
Baitsy und I vill both ov us be laying side by side. 

Und ven Gabreel blows hees drumpet oop, und all der dead 

shall rise, 
Baitsy und I vill both shoomp oop, and vipe our veeping 

eyes; 
Und den, if it looks doubtful, ve'll shtand righdt dere und 

vait, 
Und ven no vone vas lookin', ve'll shkweeze dru der Golden 

Gate. 

George M. Warren. 



CUT, CUT BEHIND. 

Vhen shnow und ice vas on der ground, 

Und merry shleigh-bells shingle; 
Vhen Shack Frost he vas peen around, 

Und make mine oldt ears tingle — 
I hear dhose roguish gamins say, 

" Let shoy pe unconfined ! " 
Und dhen dhey go for efrv shleigh, 

Und yell, " Cut, cut petiind ! " 

It makes me shust feel young some more, 

To hear dhose youngsters yell, 
Und eef I don'd vas shtiff und sore, 

Py shings ! I shust vould — Veil, 
Vhen some oldt pung was coomin' py, 

I dink I'd feel inclined 
To shump right in upon der shly, 

Und shout, " Cut, cut pehind 1 " 



58 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

I mind me vot mine fader said 

Vonce vhen I vas a poy, 
Mit meeschief alvays in mine head, 

Und" fool of life und shoy. 
" Now, Hans, keep off der shleighs," says he, 

" Or else shust bear in mind, 
I dake you righdt across my knee, 

Und cut, cut, cut pehind 1 " 

Veil, dot vas years und years ago, 

Und mine young Yawcob too, 
Vas now shkydoodling droo der shnow, 

Shust like I used to do ; 
Und ven der pungs coom py mine house, 

I shust peeks droo der plind, 
Und sings oudt, "Go id, Yawcob Strauss, 

Cut, cut, cut, cut, pehind ! " 

Charles Follen Adams, in Harper's 



TICKLED ALL OAFER. 

The Chief of Police yesterday had a visit from an old 
farmer living out on the Center Line road, who had a story 
to tell. After two or three efforts, he began : — 

" I vhas goin home, last night, ven I overtakes two men 
on der roadt. Dose fellers dey laft, und saidt would I gif 
'em a ride? I laft, too, und say, ' shump in.' " 

*' Yes, I understand." 

"Pooty queek one feller laft, und saidt he likes Dutch- 
mens, 'cause his uncle vas a Dutchmans. Dot vhas all 
right, und so I laft, too. I vhas real tickled, und I shakes 
all oafer." 

" Yes." 

" In a leetle vhile one feller vhants me to shange a seven- 
tollar bill, so as he could gif some money to der orphan 
assylums; und he lafts, ha ! ha! ha! Dot tickled me some 
more, und I lafts too. Den de odder feller, he grabs me py 
der collar und pulls me down behind, und says dey looks in 
my pockets for a shteampoat dot vos stolen from Detroit. 
Dot makes us all laff, like some goot skoke." 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 59 

" It must have been funny." 

" It vhas. Dose fellers took out my wallet and counted 
oop der nionish. I had shust ten tollar ; und dey laft, und 
said dot dey must go on some trips to der seashore mit dot. 
Dot tickled me some more, und I laft, too." 

"Well, what then?" 

" Vhell, den dey shumped oud, und put deir fingers on der 
noses, und says, « Goot-py, old Dutchnians,' und avhay dey 
goes like some horse-races." 

" And you didn't laugh at that? " 

"Vhell, not pooty much. I vhas all ready to, but I 
shtopped. If dem fellers vhas up to shokes, it was all 
right ; but if they vhas robbers, I vhants you to catch 'em, 
und gif 'em some pieces of my mind, like dunder. I doan' 
like somepody to laff at me vhen they doan' feel tickled all 
oafer." 



AN ERROR O' JUDGMENT. 

We are a quiet, law-abiding people doon here in Saltcoats. 
Indeed, I havna seen a polisman for sax weeks, an' trooly 
when I think o' hoo happy we a' are I'm aye reminded o' 
the hundred and thirty-third Saum. 

Being orderly folk, an' in oor beds at a proper oor, the 
street-lamps are a' screwed oot every nicht at twal o'clock — 
an* quite late eneuch tae, for if folk are no hame by that 
time they should be. Oor gas, I may remark, is cheaper and 
better than the Glasgow thing; altho' we don't make a great 
wark aboot it bein' equal ta sae mony " caunle po'er," an' 
ither nonsense o' that kin'. Bein' savin' folk, moreover, on 
nichts when the mune's up the lamps are no lichtit at a'. 
It wad be o' nae use, you see, an' a perfect throwin' awa o' 
gas. But that brings me to what I was goin' tae say. 

The ither nicht, though it wis vera dark, no a lamp was 
lichtet, a matter that rather bothered the inhabitants. By- 
an'-by a few o' the principal folk cam' doon tae my place 
jist as I wis closin', an' after a bit crack we made up oor 
mind tae gie a ca' on the lamplighter. The reg'lar man wifr 



60 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

through at Kirkliston — he's East country himseT, if T don't 
mistak he belangs tae Manuel — buryin' his wife's auntie; 
so it wis jist, as ye micht say, a depute-proxy that wis daein' 
the wark. Weel, we daunnert up tae this depute-proxy's 
hoose ; bit he wis in bed, on' a' oor chappin' at the door 
couldna rouse him. Seem' this, we borrow't a lether, frae a 
slater that steys next door, an' twa o' the ithers steadin' it, 
I crept up the rungs an' twirlt at the window wi' my fingers, 
singin' a' the time — 

O are ye sleeping, "Wulhe! 
O are ye sleeping, Wullie! 
O are ye 

" Whit ye oh-in' at? " cries Wullie, comin' tae the window: 
"a body wid think it wis some lass you were serenadin'." 

" Wullie," says I solemnly, " what's this ye hae been daein' 
at a' at a' ? " 

" I've been daein' naething but sleepin' : it's you that's 
kicking up the row." 

" But ye hivna lichtet the lamps the nicht." 

"This is no my nicht: it's the mime the nicht." 

" Surely ye've made a mistak, Wullie : there's nae mune 
that I see." 

" I've made nae mistak, for I lookit the almanac." 

" But will ye no listen tae reason? Put yer heid oot an' 
see for yersel'." 

Wullie put his held oot. " Woel," he says, " there's nae 
mune, certainly ; but ye surely widna hae me responsible for 
that. I go by the almanac ; an' if it says there's to be a 
mune, it's a' one tae me whether there's nae mune or a mil- 
lion o' munes, not a lamp will I licht." 

" That's quite richt, Wullie : nae doot ye maun hae some 
rule to go by. — Gentlemen," I cries doon, " he has the best 
o' the argument : what am I tae dae noo ? " 

" Haul him oot the window," they cried up. 

" Oh! if ye're goin' tae begin fechtin' I'll come doon," I 
replies, " and let some o' the rest o' ye up." But they cried, 
that I'd better jist settle it when I wis there, so I says, 
" Wullie, whit almanac d'ye go by ? Is't Orr's, or the 
Belfast?" 

" Here it's up on the mantlepiece, ye can see it for yersel' ; " 
and he took it doon, an' held it oot tae me, giein' me a caunle 
at the same time to read it by. One look, hooever, explained 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 61 

the hale affair. " Gracious guidness, Wullie," I cries, " this 
is last year's ! " 

'• Eh ! what ! last year's ? " 

" It is that," says I. 

*' Mr Kaye," says Wullie, " don't say another word. Wait 
a minute, an' I'll put on my troosers, an' in hauf an oor 
every lamp'll be shinin' sae that ye wid think it wis a gen- 
eral illumination." 

He wis as guid as his word ; an' we a' accompanied him on 
his rounds, an' the cheers the laddies gied as each lamp wis 
lichtet wid 'a' dune yer hert guid. We had a meetin' in the 
coalree afterwards; an' I proposed that Wullie, for his strict 
attention tae duty — it was only an error o' judgment he had 
made, very different frae carelessness — should get the first 
vacant place we had, at a guid wage; an' the motion wis 
carried, an' Wullie an' us a' went hame happy. 



SOCKERY KADAHCUT'S KAT. 

Oh ! I had de vorst dime lasd veek dot you effer saw. 
Katrina (dot vos mine frau ) vent avay to make a liddle bic- 
nic, undaslvas been hafin' de shake und agers und didn't 
feel pooty goot, I shtayed to home. 

Veil, as I vas valkin' arount de parn yart, I saw dot same 
olt plue hen coom out from unter der parn sayin' : "Kut, 
kut, ka-dah-kut ; kut, kut, ka-dah-kut," und dot puts me in 
mint of a shoke dot Katrina mait on me von tay : she sait 
dot I autto vas bin a olt rooster, cos de hens called me 
effery dime ven day lait a aigs. Dot vas a pooty goot shoke 
on me. Veil, as I vas saying, I saw dot olt plue hen coom 
out from unter de parn, und I tought to myself, meppy dere 
vas a nest of aigs unter dere; so I pull oud half a tozzen 
more sdones, und mait a hole so pig as I can crawl unter, 
und den as 1 vas crawlin' arount unter a lookin' for some 
nest mit aigs, all at once I spiet de pootiest liddle kat vat I 
effer seen ; he vas all plack mit vite shtripes, und vas shnug- 
gled ub in a little pall fahst asleeb. 

Veil, ve vas bin van tin' a kat because dere vas so many 
mouses in de house, und I tought uf I kin git dot von I'll 
make Katrina a little surbrise baity ; so I krawl along so sdill 
as never vas, till I got ub close to him, den I mait a grab 



62 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

und I ketched him by the neck so dot he dont kin pite me ; 
but ach, mine gootness, vat shmell, vorse as a huntred par- 
rels of limburgher ! / taught I had stepped on someding dot 
vas deat, und proke him mil my knees. I vas most shoke mit 
dot shmell ; but I held dot liddle kat up close to me und 
klimb oud so kwick as I can. Ven I got oud in de parnyart, 
dere vas pig Chake Moser goin' py, und ven he seen me, 
he sait, " Sockery, you olt deutch fool, vot are you doin' mit 
dot skunk ? " — " Shkunk ! " I sait, " I tought dot vas a liddle 
kat ; " und I drop him so quick like he was hot. 

Veil, Chake, he laf like he vould kill himself ; und I ask him 
vot I kin do to git me off dot shmell. He sait dot de only ding 
vas to be perried in de ground till de earth absorp de shmell ; 
und he sait he vould tig de hole und fix me in, if I vish. 
Veil, I dink dot is very goot of Chake, und I tought if I can 
get me dot shmell off before Katrina cooms home, I von't 
say any ding about dot liddle kat to anypody. So Chake 
dig de hole, und I sit down in it und vas perried up to de 
neck ; den Chake sait he vas in a hurry und he must go to 
de willage, und he vent avay. Booty soon kwick a fly lite 
on my face, und I koodn't prush him off, cos my arms vas 
perried doo ; und booty soon more as a hundret flies und 
effery ding vas krawl all ofer my het, und 1 shpit and plow, 
und vink my face dill I tink I vas gone crazy. Bimepy I 
heart a noise doun de roat, und I looked und dere vas apoud 
every man, vooman, und shildren in de willage, mit shpades, 
mit bic-axes, mit shuffles, mit efery dings, und all runnin rite 
ub de hill to my house ; in a minnit more as dwenty vas in 
der yart, und ven dey see me perried to de chin, und vinkin 
und shpitten at dem flies, dere eyes shtuck oud more as a 
half a feet, und Dick Klaus sait, " Vot vas you doin dere, 
Sockery ? " 

Veil, I see dot dere vas no use drying to keep dot shdill, 
so I told dem all aboud dot liddle kat ; und, my chimmiuy 
cracious ! you kood hear dem fellows laff more as a mile. 

You see dot shackass of a Chake Moser run und told dem 
in de willage dot dere vas a man perried alive up to Kadah- 
cut's, so of course eferypody coom to git him oud. 

Veil, dey tig me oud, und I trow away dem clothes, und 
vash, und vash ; but ven Katrina coom ad nide, 1 shmell so 
dot she mait me sleeb in de parn for a whole veek. 

I tink I shall moof avay; eferypody vants to know if I 
vant to py a kat, und I don'd kan shtand dis much longer 
yet. 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 63 

I VASH SO GLAD I VASH HERE I 

A HUMOROUS RECITATION. 

One who does not believe in immersion for baptism was 
holding a protracted meeting, and one night preached on 
the subject of baptism. In the course of his remarks he 
said that some believe it necessary to go down into the 
water, and come up out of it, to be baptized. But this he 
claimed to be fallacy; for the preposition "into" of the 
Scripture should be rendered differently, as it does not mean 
into at all times. " Moses," he said, " we are told, went up 
into the mountain ; and the Saviour was taken up into a 
high mountain, etc. Now, we do not suppose either went 
into a mountain, but went unto it. So with going down 
into the water : it means simply going down close by or near 
to the water, and being baptized in the ordinary way by 
sprinkling or pouring." He carried this idea out fully, and 
in due season closed his discourse, when an invitation was 
given for any one so disposed to rise and express his thoughts. 
Quite a number of his brethren arose and said they were 
glad they had been present on this occasion, that they were 
well pleased with the sound sermon they had just heard, 
and felt their souls greatly blessed. Finally, a corpulent 
gentleman of Teutonic extraction, a stranger to all, arose 
and broke the silence that was almost painful, as follows : — 

" Mister Breacher, I is so glad I vash here to-night, for I 
has had explained to my mint some dings dat I neffer could 
pelief before. Oh, I is so glad dat into does not mean into 
at all, but shust close by or near to; for now I can pelief 
many dings vot I could not pelief pefore. We reat, Mr. 
Breacher, dat Taniel vash cast into de ten of lions, and came 
out alife. Now I neffer could pelief dat, for wilet peasts 
would shust eat him right off; but now it is fery clear to 
my mint He vash shust close py or near to, and tid not 
get into de ten at all. Oh, I ish so glad I vash here to- 
night! Again, we reat dat de Heprew children vash cast 
into de firish furnace, and dat always look like a peeg story 
too, for they would have been purnt up; but it ish all blain 
to my mint now, for dey was shust cast py or close to de 
firish furnace. Oh, I vash so glad I vash here to-night! 
And den, Mr. Breacher, it ish said dat Jonah vash cast into 



64 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

de sea, and taken into de whale's pelly. Now I neffer could 
pelief dat. It alwish seemed to me to be a peeg fish story, 
but it ish all blain to my mint now. He vash not into de 
whale's pelly at all, but shump onto his pack and rode 
ashore. Oh, I vash so glad I vash here to-night ! 

" And now, Mr. Breacher, if you will shust exblain two 
more bassages of Scriptures, I shall be oh, so happy dot I 
vash here to-night. One of dem ish vere it saish de vicked 
shall be cast into a lake dat burns mit fire and primstone 
alwish. Oh, Mr. Breacher, shall I be cast into dat lake if I 
am vicked, or shust close py or neaivfco — shust near enough 
to be comfortable V Oh, I hope you tell me I shall be cast 
only shust py a good vays off, and I will pe so glad I vash 
here to-night. De oder bassage is dat vich saish, blessed are 
they who do these commandments, dat dey may have right 
to de dree of life, and enter in droo de gates of de city, and 
not shust close py or near to, — shust near enough to see vat 
I have lost, — and I shall pe so glad I vash here to-night 1 " 



DOT SHLY LEEDLE RASKEL. 

I kin saw you, you shly leedle raskel, 

A-beekin' ad me drough dot shair ! 
Come here righd away now und kiss me — 

You dough d I don't know you vas dere. 
You all der dime hide from your fader, 

Und subbose he can't see mit his eyes, 
You vas goin' to fool me — eh, Fritzey ? — 

Und gafe me a grade big surprise ? 



Dot boy vas a rekular monkey — 

Dere vas noding so high he don'd glimb ; 
Und his mudder, she says dot his drousers 

Vants new bosoms in dem all der dime. 
He vas schmard, dough, dot same leedle feller, 

Und he sings all der vile like a lark,. 
From vonce he gids up in der morn in' 

Dill ve drofe him to bed afder dark. 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 65 

He's der bussiest von in der family, 

Und I bed yon de louder he sings 
He vas raisin' der dickens mit some von — 

Pie vas up to all manner of dings. 
He vds beekin' away, dot young raskel, 

Drough der shair — Moly Hoses! vot's dot? 
Dot " son-of-gun "mit a sceesors 

Is cut off der dail of der cat! 



A JEW'S TROUBLE. 

HURWOOD. 

Vot a coundry dot is, anyvays ! unfc vot a peebles ! Ve 
poor Shews don'd got some quietness anyveres. Ve vas been 
persecooted ! dot is vot it is- Yust lisden vonce, vat drou- 
bles I haf by mineself. 

In the vorst blace my name vos Isaacs — dot is my lasd name: 
my vrond name vas Solomon, unt I keeps me a nice ieedle 
cloding schtore in de Powery. You oughd to seen it vonce ! 
I got me eferyt'ing in dot schtore. Veil, von day last veek 
a nice cushdomer, vot liefed in Yarsey, come in, unt I sells 
him a peautiful coat very sheep. Von he pud id on, id vas 
a Ieedle, yust a Ieedle, full preasded in de pack ; bud I got 
dot coat ub in my handt, so he did nod know it vas too pig 
enough. I dold him dot vas peautiful fid — yusd like it vas 
made for him ! 

" Of you don'd peleef dot," says I, " I galls my vife. 
Maria, don'd dot coat fid dot shentlemaus?" 

" Yah, Solomon, dot vas a loafly fid, for sure ! " said Maria. 

So dot shentleman buy dot coat, and giefe me yust vot I 
asked, und nefer said vonce, " I giefe you hafe of dot brice," 
or somedings like dot, und I vas mad yust like a hornet dot I 
didn'd ask him dwice as mooch ! 

But vot has all dot got to do mit my droubles ? 

Nix ! 

Veil, go ahade ! 

Von day I gone me oud for a Ieedle valk, und vas scmok- 
ing von of dose real Hafana segars vot you buy dree for den 
cents, ven ub comes a pig, bulled-headed mans, vot hafe his 
hair all viled off, und he busds me in de schnood righd avay 



66 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

quick, pefore I know me some dings : unt, as my nose don'd 
vas fery schinall, it hurd me like : 

" Vot de madder is, ain'd it ".'" said I. " Vet for you hid 
me dot ray 

"Pecause you vas a Shew; dot is rot de madder - 
said that old fighder. 

•• Veil, vot it I vas a Shew? I don'd do somedings by 
you ! I don'd know you anyvays." 

Unt den he giefe id do me again righdt in my left ear. 

-Dot ish pecause you vas a Shr"" \ re : '. Ued de Saviour! 
Dot is ry I hid you ; und I'll busd efery hook nose vot I 
meed ! " 

- Vot haf e I got to do mit dot. anyrays ? Id vas more ash 
a donsand years ago ven dot habbened. und I vas nodborned 
yet ! Yon pig shackass, vot you means, anyvays ? " 

•• Veil.'* says old schwell headt, " dot makes me nod differ- 
ent ! I don'd hear me noding about it till lasd nightd. unt 
I'm going to ; put a headt' on every Shew I see. for doin' 
it!" 

Veil, dot vas pig fool anyvays ; so I left him and gone me 
home to Maria, und she pud mustard boultice on my sehmel- 
ler. I vill sent dot feller up to blay " scheckers mit his 
nose," vust so soon as I cateh him again ! 



DER MULE SHTOOD ON DER STEAM- 
BOAD DECK. 

Der mule shtood on der steamboad deck, 

For der land he wouldn't dread. 
Dhey tied a halder rount his neck, 
Und vacked him over der he 

But obstinate and braced he shtood, 

As born der scene do rule. 
A creature of der holt-back brood, — 

A shtubborn, shteadfast mule. 

Dhey cursed and shwore, bud he vould not go 

Undill he felt inclined : 
Und dough dhey dundered blow on blow, 

He aldered nod his mind. 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

Der boats-boy to der shore complained, 
" Der varmint's bound do shtay ! " 

Shtill ubon dot olt mule's hide 
Der sounding lash made blay. 

His masder from der shore reblied, 
" Der boads aboud do sail ; 

As oder means in vain you've dried, 
Subbose you dwist his dail. 

"I dhink dot dat vil magke him land.' 
Der boats- boy, brave, dough bale, 

Den near drew mit oudstretched hand, 
Do. magke der dwist avail. 

Dhen game a kick of thunder sound! 

Dot boy — oh, vhere vas he ? 
Ask of der vaves dot far around 

Beheld him in der sea. 

For a moment nod a voice was heard ; 

Bud dot mule he vinked his eye, 
As dhough to ask, to him occurred, 

" How vas dot for high ?" 



Anon. 



TEACHING HIM THE BUSINESS. 

"Herman," said a Poydras-street merchant clothier, ad- 
dressing his clerk, " haf ve sold all of dose overgoats vat vas 
left over from last vinter ? " 

" No, sir ; dere vas dree of dem left yet." 

" Veil, ve must sell 'em right avay, as the vinter vill not 
last, you know, Herman. Pring me one uf de goats und I 
vill show you somedings about de pisness. I vill tell you 
how we vill sell dem oud, und you must learn de bisness, 
Hermann ; de vinter vas gone, you know, und ve hav had 
dose goats in de store more es seex years." 

An eight-dollar overcoat was handed him by his clerk, 
and, smoothing it out, he took a buck-skin money-purse from 
the show-case, and stuffing it full of paper, dropped it into 
one of the pockets. 



68 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

"Now, Herman, my poy," he continued, "vatch me sell 
dot goat. 1 haf sold over dirty-fife uv dem shust de same 
vay, und I vant to deech you de pisness. Yen de nexd gus- 
tomer comes in de shop I vill show de way Rube Hoffen- 
stein, mine broder in Detroit, sells his cloding und udder 
dings." 

A few minutes later a negro, in quest of a suitable pair of 
cheap shoes, entered the store. The proprietor advanced 
smiling, and inquired — 

" Vat is it you vish ? " 

" Yer got any cheap shoes hyar ? " asked the negro. 

" Blenty uf dem, my frient, blenty ; at any brice you vant." 

The negro stated that he wanted a pair of brogans ; and 
soon his pedal extremities were encased in them, and a bar- 
gain struck. As he was about to leave, the proprietor called 
him back. 

" I ain't gwine to buy nuffin' else. I'se got all I want," 
said the negro sullenly. 

" Dot may be so, my dear sir," replied the proprietor, " but 
I shust vants you to look at dis goat. It vas de pure Rus- 
sian wool, und dis dime last year you doan got dot same goat 
for twenty-five dollars. Mine gracious! cloding vas gone 
down to noding, and der vas no money in de pisness any 
longer. You vant someding dot vill keep you from de ved- 
der, und make you feel varm as summer-dime. De gon- 
sumption vas going round, unci de doctors dell me it vas de 
vedder. More den nine beobles died round vere I lif last 
week. Dink of dot ! Mine frient, dot goat vas Russian 
vool, dick und hevy. Vy, Miscler Jones, who owns der pank 
on Canal Streed, took dot goat home mit him yesterday, und 
vore it all day ; but it vas a leedle dight agross de shoulders, 
und he brought it pack shust a vile ago. Dry it on, my 
dear sir. Ah ! dot vas all righd. Misder Jones vas a rich 
man und he liked dot goat. How deep de pockets vas ! but 
it vas a leedle dight agross de shoulders. 

The negro buttoned up the coat, thrust his hands in the 
pockets and felt the purse. A peaceful smile played over 
his face when his touch disclosed to his mind the contents of 
the pockets, but he choked down his joy and inquired — 

" Who did you say wore this hyar coat ? " 

" Yy, Misder Jones, vot owns de pank on Canal Streed. 

" What yer gwine to ax for it ? " 

" Dwenty dollars." 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 69 

" Dat's pow'ful high price fur dis coat, but I'll take it." 

" Herman ! here, wrap up this goat for de schentieman and 
drow in a cravat; it vill make him look nice mit de ladies." 

" Nebber mind, I'll keep de coat on," replied the negro ; 
and pulling out a roll of money he paid for it and left the 
store. 

While he Avas around the next corner moaning over the 
stuffed purse, Hoffenstein said to his clerk : — 

" Herman, fix up an udder vun of dose goats de same vay ; 
and doan forget to dell dem dot Misder Jones vot run de 
pankon Canal Streed vore it yesterday." 



DER GOOD-LOOKIN SHNOW. 

Oh ! dot shnow, dot goot-lookin shnow, 
Vhich makes von der shky out on tings below, 
Und }^oost on der haus vhere der shingles vas grow, 
You come mit some coldness, vherefer you go ; 
Valtzin und pblayin und zinging along, — 
Goot-lookin shnow, you dond cood done wrong. 
Ofen of you make on some oldt gal's scheek, 
It makes notting tifferent, ofer das shendlesom freak. 
Goot-lookin shnow, vou der glouds py der shky, 
You vas bully mit cold vedder, und bully von high. 

Oh S dot shnow, dot goot-lookin shnow, 
Yoost dis vay und vot you make vhen you go ; 
Fhlyin aroundt, you got matness mit fun, 
Und f breeze makes der nose of efery von ; 
Lafein, runnin, mit gwickness go py, 
Yoost shtobbin a leedle, den pooty gwick f hly; 
Und efen der togs, dot vas out in der vet, 
Vood shnab at der bieces vhich makes on dhere hedt. 
Der peobles vas grazy, und caddies vood crow 
Und say how you vas, you goot-lookin shnow. 

Und so gwick you vas dhere, und der vedder did shnow, 
Dhey shpeak out in dones so shweeder as low, 
Und der shleigh-riders, too, vas gone py in der lite, 
You dond cood saw dhem, dill quite out of site. 



70 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

Schwimmen, shkimmen, f hlirdin dhey go 
Rect on der tob of dot goot-lookin shnow. 
Dot shnow vas vhite glean vhen it comes der shky down, 
Und yoost so muddy like mud, vhen it comes of der town ; 
To been valked on py move as dwo hoondret fife feet, 
Dill gwick, vas yoost lookin so phlack like der shtreet. 

Veil, I vas yoost lookin vonce so goot like dot shnow, 
But I tumbled me off, und vay I did go ; 
Nicht so glean, like der mut dot growed on der shtreet, 
I vas shcraped von der poots off, of der peobles I meet. 
Dinkin und shworin, I like of I die, 
To been shtiff like a mackerel mit no von to buy ; 
Vhile 1 trink me some lager to got a shquare meal, 
I vas afraid von der ghosts mine pody vood shteal. 
Got in Himmel! how ish dot? Vas I gone down so low, 
Vhen I vonce vas so vhiteness like dot goot-lookin shnow? 

Yah, for dhrue, I vas told you, I vas vonce pure like dot 

shnow, 
Mit blaindy of lofe, von mine heart out vas grow ; 
I dink von dhem efery von, and dhey dink von me too, 
Und I vas humpugged mit f hladeries, dot's yoost vot dhey 

do. 
Mine Fadder, Mudder, Gabruder der same, 
Vas loose me some sympadies, und forget vonce mine 

name; 
Und dot raskals who comes of me in der tarkness py nite, 
Vood gone more as a plocks to got out of mine site, 
Der coat von mine leeks und poots of mine toe, 
Vas not gleaner as doze of dot goot-lookin shnow. 

It was gweer it shood been dot dot goot-lookin shnow 
Vood make on a pad mans mit novhere to go; 
Und how gweer it vood been, vhen yoost pehindt tay, 
Ofer der hail und das vind mit mine pody vood pblay, 
Hobbin, skibben, und me dedt like an eel — 
Mine mat vas got oop, never a vord could I shpeil, 
To been zeen py der peobles who vas valk der town, 
Who vas dickled mit pbleasures, of der shnow vas come 

down, 
I yoost lay der ground, und gone died mit a woe, 
Mid a pedgwilts und billows, von der goot-lookin shnow. 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 71 

HOW JAKE SCHNEIDER WENT BLIND. 

In German town, near Philadelphia, several years ago, a 
native, simple-minded Dutchman, named Jacob Schneider, 
kept a liquor and lager-beer saloon. Jacob was not only 
fond of drinking lager with his customers, but would not 
refuse either corn-juice, red-eye, or Jersey lightning, when 
asked to imbibe thereof in a social way — the customer, of 
course, paying an extra half-dime for Jacob's drink. One 
would not suppose that this friendly habit could, by any 
possibility, bring trouble and vexation upon honest Jacob ; 
but it did, as we shall presently show. 

One eventful night it was observed that Schneider had 
shut up his saloon and gone home full an hour earlier than 
usual. Being asked, next day, what was the matter, he told 
the following droll story : — 

" I shut up mine blace pecause I vas mat as ter tyfel, and 
vas humpugged into der pargain. I'll tell you 'pout it. Yer 
see, dree or four young shcamps gomes into mine saloon, and 
one says to me, ' Yacob, you got some fresh lager?' I says 
'yaas,' and I draws der lager; anoder von says he vants 
gards, and I prings de gards, and da blays gards. Pimeby 
noder says, ' Yacob, old poy, let's have some red-eye ! and 
mind you, Yacob, pring an extra glass for yourself.' Veil 
den, I prings der pottle of ret-eye, and da drinks two dree 
dimes, and I drinks mit 'em two dree dimes ; and I gets so 
tarn trunk dat I lies down on der pench and goes to shleep. 
Ven I vakes up, der room ish dark as der tyfel, put I hears 
der young chaps calling der gards ; von says, ' bass ! ' nodder 
says, ' left power ! — right power ! ' den nodder von, he says, 
'uker'd! ' and sh wears like a drooper. Da vas all blaying 
at der taple, shust as da vas ven I goes to shleep, but mine 
eyes vas nix — I could shust see notting at all — the room 
vas bitch dark. So I dinks I vas plind, and I feel pad, and 
I cry out, 'Oh, mine Gott! I p'lieve I'm shtruck plind!' 
Den der young chaps leaves der taple and gomes vhere I vas, 
and makes p'leeve da very sorry. One says, ' Poor Yacob ! 
you can no see — vat vill der poor man's vamerly do ! ' Nod- 
der call me poor cuss, and says I no pusiness to trink noding 
stronger dan lager. I got mat den — mat as dunder — and 
I says to him, ' Vy, den, you vants me to drink it mit you ? 
I p'leeve you put shtuif in der liquor to make me plind ! ' 



72 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

Den be laughs at me, and says I needn't trink if T didn't pe 
a mind to. Shust den von little poy gomes to der door mit 
a lantern, and I finds der drick da vas Maying me — I 
see shust as goot as ever ! Der rascals had plow out der 
lights, and make p'leeve play uker to vool me ! I told 'em 
'twas all humpug, and they petter glear out, for I vouldn't 
light up no more. Dat's vat mine shaloon vas shut up for." 



THE DUTCHMAN AND THE RAVEN. 

Vonce upon a midnite dreary, as I pondered, veak and 

veary, 
Ofer many a glass of lager, vot I drank in days of yore, 
In my bed I vas f aschd nabbing, ven I dream I heert some 

dapping, 
As if some von gently drowing brickbats at my voodshed 

door; 
" Dis dot Snyder poy," I muttered, " trying to preak my 

voodshed door — 

Only dis, und noding more." 

Yah, disdinctly I remember, it was in dot pleak December, 
Und each seberate dying ember vos gone oud long pef ore ; 
Dot nide I felt quoide heardy, for Louise vent to a bardy, 
Und of cause I drunk more lager as I nefer did pefore ; 
But schdill I know dot somedings sthruck my oudside vood- 
shed door — 

Only dot, und noding more. 

From oud mine bed I makes von jumb, und see vot vos dis 

drubble, 
Mine Got ! vot makes mine legs so veak ? I feel so not 

pefore ; 
I sckarce could valk, I could not talk, mine mind was in 

a muddle ; 
But I dough t vas Johnny Snyder dry in' to open schud 

mine door, 
Und mit cabbage-sdumps to hit me, as he often doned 

pefore — 

Dis I said, und noding more. 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 76 

Pyundpy I vos got praver; den I takes mine gun and sa- 
bre, 

Und schloly valks, midout mine pants, up to mine voodshed 
door ; 

Und dare for von half hour I sdood mitout no power, 

So veak I vos I could not lift mine hands up any more ; 

But at vonce I got more polder, und I opened vide de 
door — 

Plack as darkness, noding more. 



Deep into dot plackness peeping, all around mine voodshed 

creeping, 
Dreaming dreams no Dutchman efer dare to dream pefore. 
Der silence vos unbroken, und der sdillness gave no 

token ; 
But I hear somepody spoken, "You vill vare dem pants 

no more. " 
" Vot is dot ? " I cried, and someding answered back the 

vord, " No more." 

Merely dis, und noding more. 



Back indo my bedroom turning, all mine sole mitin me 
burning, 

Den vonce more I heert a tapping, someding louder as pe- 
fore. 

Now I cries out, " Dunder vedder ! vot the devil ish the 
madder ? " 

Surely dis ain't Johnny Snyder hitting cabbage mit mine 
door ? 

No ! I dink dis cannot be, for I bet, by geminee ! 
'Twas the vind, und noding more. 



Oben here I flung mine vindow, ven dere all at vonce 
came into 

A ding just like a big plack cat I never saw pefore ; 

Von fearful vink he gafe me, not von moment sdoped nor 
sdayed he ; 

His pack he humped, und den he jumped upon mine bed- 
room door. 

Dare he sat, und noding more. 



74 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

The air dew vas so funny, for it schmells no more like 

honey, 
Und den I squease mine nose hard until it vas quide sore; 
Den vonce I cried mid all my mide, " I vant to vare mine 

pants to-night, 
Und of you dink dot I vos dighd, chust chumped down of 

dot floor ; " 
Again I heard it gently say : " You'll vare dem pants no 

more." 

Dis it said, und noding more 

" Proud," said I, " ding of efil ; profid sdill, if dorg or devil, 
For vot you comes into mine house ? I vant you here no 

more ; 
Leafe no ding here as a doken of dot lie vich you hafe 

spoken ; 
You go home, I vas not joking, for I told you vonce pe- 

fore, 
Chust dake dot smell frum out mine house,und jump down 

off mine door ! " 

But it vinked, und said no more. 



THE DUTCHMAN WHO GAVE MRS. 
SCUDDER THE SMALL-POX. 

Some years ago, a droll sort of a Dutchman was the driver 
of a stage in New Jersey, and he passed daily through the 
small hamlet of Jericho. One morning, just as the vehicle 
was starting from Squash Point, a person came up and re- 
quested the driver to take in a small box, and " leave it at 
Mrs. Scudder's, third house on the left after you get into 
Jericho." 

" Yaas, oh yaas, Mr. Ellis, I knows der haus ! " said the 
driver, " I pleeve der voman dakes in vashin", vor I always 
sees her mit her clothes hung out." 

" You're right, that's the place," said Ellis (for that was 
the man's name), " she washes for one of the steamboats." 

The box was thereupon duly deposited in the front boot, 
the driver took his 'leven-penny bit for carrying it, and the 
stage started on its winding way. In an hour or two, the 
four or five houses comprising the village of Jericho hove in 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 75 

sight. In front of one of them, near the door, a tall, muscu- 
lar woman was engaged at a wash-tub ; while lines of white 
linen, fluttering in the wind, ornamented the adjoining lawn. 
The stage stopped at the gate, when the following ludicrous 
dialogue, and attendant circumstances, took place : — 

Driver — Is dis Miss Scutter's haus ? 

Woman [looking up, without stopping her work,] — Yes, 
I'm Mrs. Scudder. 

Driver — I'fe got der small pox in der stage; vill you 
come out and dake it? 

Woman [suddenly throwing down the garment she was 
washing] — Got the small-pox ! Mercy on me ! why do you 
stop here, you wicked man ? You'd better be off, quick as 
you can. [Runs into the house.] 

Driver mutters to himself — I vonder vat's der matter mit 
der fool; I'fe goot mind to drow it over der fence. 

Upon second thought, he takes the box, gets off the stage, 
and carries it into the house. But in an instant he reap- 
pears, followed by a broom with an enraged woman at the 
end of it, who is shouting in a loud voice — 

" You git out of this ! clear yourself quicker! You've no 
business to come here exposing decent people to the small- 
pox ; what do you mean by it ? " 

" I dells you it's der shmall pox ! " exclaimed the Dutch- 
man, emphasising the word box as plainly as he could — 
"Ton't you versteh? — der shmall pox dat Misther Ellis 
sends to you." 

But Mrs. Scudder was too much excited to comprehend 
this explanation, even if she had listened to it. Having it 
fixed in her mind that there was a case of small-pox on the 
stage, and that the driver was asking her to take into the 
house a passenger thus afflicted, her indignation knew no 
bounds. "Clear out!" exclaimed she, excitedly, "I'll call 
the men folks if you don't clear ! " and then shouting at the 
top of her voice, "Ike! you Ike! where are you?" Ike 
soon made his appearance, and inquired — 

" W-what's the matter, mother? " 

The driver answered — "I dells you now onct more, for 
der last time, I'fe got der shmall pox ; and Misther Ellis he 
dells me to gif it to Miss Scutter, and if dat vrow ish Miss 
Scutter, vy she no dake der pox ? " 

By this time several of the passengers had got off the stage 
to see the fun, and one of them explained to Mrs. Scudder 



76 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

that it was a box, and not small-pox, that the driver wished 
to leave with her. 

The woman had become so thoroughly frightened that 
she was still incredulous, until a bright idea struck Ike. 

" Oh, mother ! " exclaimed he, " I know what 'tis — it's 
Madame Ellis's box of laces, sent to be done up." 

With this explanation the affair was soon settled, and 
Mistress Scudder received the Dutchman's "shmall pox" 
amidst the laughter and shouts of the occupants of the old 
stage-coach. The driver joined in, although he had not the 
least idea of what they were laughing at, and as the vehicle 
rolled away, he added not a little to the mirth by saying, in 
a triumphant tone of voice, " I vas pound ter gif der old 
vomans der shmall pox, vether she vould dake it or not ! " 



ELLEN MeJONES ABERDEEN. 

Macphairson Clonglocketty Angus McClan 

Was the son of an elderly laboring man. 

You've guessed him a Scotchman, shrewd reader, at sight, 

And p'r'aps altogether, shrewd reader, you're right. 

From the bonnie blue Forth to the beastly Deeside, 
Round by Dingwell and Wrath to the mouth of the Clyde, 
There wasn't a child or a woman or man 
Who could pipe with Clonglocketty Angus McClan. 

No other could wake such detestable groans 

With reed and with chaunter, with bag and with drones. 

All day and all night he delighted the chiels 

With sniggering pibrochs and jiggety reels. 

He'd clamber a mountain and squat on the ground, 
And the neighboring maidens would gather around 
To list to his pipes and to gaze in his een, 
Especially Ellen McJones Aberdeen. 

All loved their McClan, save a Sassenach brute 
Who came to the Highlands to fish and to shoot. 
He dressed himself up in a Highlander way; 
Though his name it was Pattisou Corby Torbay. 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 11 

Torbay had incurred a good deal of expense 
To make him a Scotchman in every sense •, 
But this is a matter, you'll readily own, 
That isn't a question of tailors alone. 

A Sassenach chief may be bonnily built ; 
He may purchase a sporran, a bonnet, and kilt ; 
Stick a ske'an in his hose — wear an acre of stripes — 
But he cannot assume an affection for pipes. 

Clonglocketty's pipings all night and all day 
Quite frenzied poor Pattison Corby Torbay. 
The girls were amused at his singular spleen, 
Especially Ellen McJones Aberdeen. 

" Macphairson Clonglocketty Angus, my lad, 
With pibrochs and reels you are driving me mad. 
If you really must play on that horrid affair, 
My goodness, play something resembling an air.'' 

Boiled over the blood of Macphairson McClan — 
The Clan of Clonglocketty rose as one man ; 
For all were enraged at the insult, I ween, 
Especially Ellen McJones Aberdeen. 

" Let's show," said McClan, " to this Sassenach loon 
That the bagpipes can play him a regular tune. 
Let's see," said McClan, as he thoughtfully sat, 
" ' In my Cottage ' is eas} T , — I'll practise at that." 

He blew at his " Cottage," and he blew with a will, 
For a year, seven months, and a fortnight, until 
(You'd hardly believe it) McClan, I declare, 
Elicited something resembling an air. 

It was wild — it was fitful — as wild as the breeze: 
It wandered about into several keys. 
It was jerky, spasmodic, and harsh, I'm aware; 
But still it distinctly suggested an air. 

The Sassenach screamed, and the Sassenach danced; 
He shrieked in his agony, bellowed and pranced. 
And the maidens who gathered rejoiced at the scene, 
Especially Ellen McJones Aberdeen. 



<H MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

" Ilech gather, hech gather, hech gather around ; 
And fill a' ye lugs wi' the exquisite sound. 
An air fra' the bagpipes — beat that if you can ! 
Hurrah for Clonglocketty Angus McClan ! " 

The fame of his piping spread over the land : 
Respectable widows proposed for his hand, 
And maidens came flocking to sit on the green, 
Especially Ellen Mc Jones Aberdeen. 

One morning the fidgety Sassenach swore 
He'd stand it no longer — he drew his claymore, 
And (this was, I think, in extremely bad taste) 
Divided Clonglocketty close to the waist. 

Oh, loud were the wailings for Angus McClan I 
Oh, deep was the grief for that excellent man ! 
The maids stood aghast at the horrible scene, 
Especially Ellen Mc Jones Aberdeen. 

It sorrowed poor Pattison Corby Torbay 

To find them " take on "" in this serious way. 

He pitied the poor little fluttering birds, 

And solaced their souls with the following words : — 

" O maidens ! " said Pattison, touching his hat, 
" Don't blubber, my dears, for a fellow like that; 
Observe, I'm a very superior man, 
A much better fellow than Angus McClan." 

They smiled when he winked and addressed them as "dears," 
And they all of them vowed, as they dried up their tears, 
A pleasanter gentleman never was seen — 
Especially Ellen McJones Aberdeen. 

W. S. Gilbert. 



A DUTCH SERMON. 

Mine friends, ven first you come here, you was poor; and 
now, friends, you is prout; and you's gotten on your uni- 
corns, ant dem vits you like a dongs upon a hog's pack. Now, 
mine friends, let me dell you dis : a man is a man if he's no 
pigger as my dumb. Ven Tavid vent out to fight mit Goliah, 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 79 

he dook noting vid him but one sling. Now don't mistake 
me, mine friends : it vas not a rum sling ; no, nor a gin sling ; 
no, nor a mint vater sling; no: it was a sling made mit an 
hickory stick. Now, ven Goliah sees Tavid coming, "You 
little dampt scoundrel, does you comes to vight me? I vill 
give you to de birds of de fielt, and de peasts of de air!" 
Tavid says, "Goliah, Goliah, de race is not always mit de 
shwift, nor ish de battle mit de strong; and a man is a 
man if he's no pigger ash my dumb.'' So Tavid he fixes 
a shtone in his sling, and he drows it at Goliah, and knocks 
him rite in de vorehead; and den Tavid takes Goliah 's 
swort, and cuts off his head ; and den all de pretty cals 
comes out and strewed flowers in his way, and sung, " Saul 
is a creat man, vor he has kilt his tousands ; put Tavid is 
creater as he, vor he has kilt Goliah." Now, mine friends, 
when you coes out to vight mit te rebels, remember vat I 
dell you, — dat a man is a man if he's no pigger as my 
dumb. \ 



SHACOB'S LAMENT. 

Oxcoose me if I shed some tears, 

Und wipe my nose avay ; 
Und if a lump vos in my troat, 

It comes up dere to shtay. 

My sadness I shall now unfoldt ; 

Und if dot tale of woe 
Don'd do some Dutchmans any good, 

Den I don't pelief I know. 

You see I fall myself in love ; 

Und effery night I goes 
Across to Brooklyn by dot pridge, 

All dressed in Sunday clothes . 

A vidder vomans vos der brize, 
Her husband he vos dead ; 

Und all alone in this colt vorldt, 
Dot vidder vos, she said. 



80 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

Her heart for love vos on der pine, 

Und dot I like to see ; 
Und all der time I hoped dot heart 

Vos on der pine for me. 

I keeps a butcher shop, you know, 
Und in a stocking stout, 

I put avay my gold and bills, 
Und no one gets him oudt. 

If in der night some bank cashier 
Goes skipping off mit cash, 

I shleep'so sound as nefer vos, 
Vhile rich folks go to shmash. 

I court dot vidder sixteen months, 
Dot vidder she courts me ; 

Und vhen I says, " Vill you be mine ? ' 
She says, " You bet I'll be ! " 

Ve vos engaged — oh, blessed facfc! 

I squeeze dot dimpled hand ; 
Her head upon my shoulder lays, 

Shust like a bag of sand. 

"Before der vedding day vos set," 

She vispers in mine ear, 
" I like to say I haf to use 

Some cash, my Jacob, dear. 

" I owns dis house and two big farms, 
Und ponds und railroad shtock ; 

Und up in Yonkers I bossess 
A grand big peesness block. 

" Der times vos dull, my butcher boy, 
Der market vos no good ; 

Und if I sell " — I sqeezed her handt 
To show I understood. 

Next day — oxcoose my briny tears — 
Dot shtocking took a shrink ; 

I counted out twelf hundred in 
Der cleanest kind o' chink. 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 81 

Und later, by two days or more, 

Dot vidder shlopes avay ; 
Und leaves a note belli ndt for me, 

In vhich dot vidder say, — 

"Dear Shake: — 

Der rose vas redt, 

Der violet blue — 
You see I've left, 

Und you're left, too ! " 



MR. SCHMIDT'S MISTAKE. 

I geeps me von leedle schtore town Proadway, und does a 
pooty goot peesnis ; bud I ton't got mooch gapital to vork 
mit, so 1 finds id hard vork to get me all der gredits vot I 
vould like. Last veek I hear aboud some goots dot a barty 
vas going to sell pooty sheap, und so I writes dot man if he 
vould gife me der. refusal of dose goots for a gouple a days. 
He gafe me der refusal ; dot is, he sait I gouldn't hat dem. 
But he sait he vould gall on me, und see mine sthore ; and 
den if mine schtanding in peesnis vas goot, berhaps ve might 
do somedings togedder. veil, I vas behint mine gounter 
yesderday, veil a shentleman gomes in, und dakes me py der 
hant, und say, "Mr. Schmidt, I pelieve." I say, "Yaw," 
und den I clinks to mineself, " Dis vas de man vot has dose 
goots to sell, und I musd dry to make some goot imbression 
mit him so ve gould do some peesnis." — "Dis vas goot 
schtore," he says, looking aroundt ; "bud you ton't got a 
pooty pig schstock already." I vas avraid to let him know 
dot I only hat 'bout a tousand tollars voort off goots in der 
blace, so I says, "You ton't vould dink I hat more as dree 
tousand tollars in dis leedle schtore, aincl id?" He says, 
'' You ton't tole me ! Yos dot bossible ? " I says, " Yaw." 
I meant dot id vas bossible, dough id vasn't so ; vor I vas like 
Shorge Yashingtons ven he cut town der " olt elm " on 
Poston Gommons mit his leedle hadget, und gouldn't dell 
some lies aboudt id. " Veil," says der schentleman, " I 
dinks you ought to know petter as anypody else vot you haf 
got in der schtore ; " und den he dakes a leedle book vrorn 
his bocket oudt, und say, " Veil, I poots you town vor dree 



82 MEDLEY DTALECT BECITATIONS. 

tousand tollars." I ask him vat he means py "poots me 
town ; " rind den he says he vas von off der daxmen, or 
assessors of broperty, und he tank me so kindly as nefer 
vos, because he say I vos sooch an honest Deutscher, und 
tidn't dry und sheat der gofermants. I dells you vat it vos, 
I tidn't veel.any more petter as a hundord ber cent, ven dot 
man valks oudt off mine schtore, und der nexd dime I makes 
free niit sdrangers, I vinds first deir peesnis oudt. 

Charles F. Adams. 



JOHN AND TIBBIE DAVISON'S DISPUTE. 

John Davison and Tibbie, his wife, 

Sat toasting their taes ae nicht, 
When something startit in the fluir, 

And blinkit by their sicht. 

" Guidwife," quoth John, " did ye see that moose? 

Whar sorra was the cat ? " 
" A moose ? " — " Aye, a moose." — " Na, na, guidman : 

It was'ua a moose, 'twas a rat ! " 

" Ow, ow, guidwife ! to think ye've been 

Sae lang aboot the boose, 
An' no to ken a moose frae a rat ! 

Yon was'na a rat ! 'twas a moose ! " 

"I've seen mair mice than you, guidman, — 

An' what think ye o' that ? 
Sae baud your tongue, an' say nae mair, 

I tell ye, it was a rat ! " 

" Me haud my tongue for you, guidwife ! 

I'll be mester o' this hoose : 
I saw't as plain as een could seet, 

An' I tell ye, it was a moose ! " 

" If you're the mester o' the hoose, 

It's I'm the. mistress o't; 
An' / ken best what's in the hoose : 

Sae I tell ye, it was a rat ! " 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS, 83 

" Weel, weel, guidwife, gae mak' the brose, 

An' ca' it what ye please." 
So up she rose, and made the brose, 

While John sat toasting his taes. 

They supit, and supit, and supit the brose, 

And aye their lips played smack : . 
They supit, and supit, and supit the brose, 

Till their lugs began to crack. 

" Sic fules we were to fa' oot, guidwife, 

Aboot a moose." — " A what ? 
It's a lee ye tell ; an' I say again 

It was'na a moose ; 'twas a rat I " 

" Wad ye ca' me a leear to my very face ? 

My faith, but ye craw croose ! 
I tell ye, Tib, I never will bear't ! 

'Twas a moose ! " — " 'Twas a rat ! " — " 'Twas a moose 1 " 

Wi' her spoon she strack him ower the pow. 

"Ye dour auld doit, tak' that ; 
Gae to your bed, ye canker'd sumph, — 
. 'Twas a rat ! " — " 'Twas a moose ! " — " 'Twas a rat ! " 

She sent the brose caup at his heels, 

As he hirpled ben the hoose ; 
Yet he shoved oot his head as he steekit the door, 

And cried, " 'Twas a moose ! 'twas a moose ! " 

But when the carle was fast asleep, 

She paid him back for that, 
And roared into his sleepin' lug, 

" 'Twas a rat ! 'twas a rat ! 'twas a rat ! " 

The de'il be wi' me if I think 

It was a beast ava ! — 
Neist mornin', as she sweepit the fluir, 

She faund wee Johnnie's ba' ! 

EOBERT LEIGHTON. 



84 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 



FRITZ UND I. 

Mynheer, blease helb a boor oldfc man, 

Vot gomes vrom Sharmany, 
Mit Fritz, mine tog und only freund, 

To geep me gompany. 

I haf no gelt to puy mine pread, 

No blace to lay me down, 
For ve vas vanderers, Fritz und I, 

Und strangers in der down. 

Some beoples gife us dings to eadt, 

Und some dey kicks us oudt, 
Und say, " You ton't got peesnis here, 

To sdroll der schtreets aboudt ! " 

Vot's dat you say ? You puy mine tog 

To gife me pread to eadt? 
I vas so boor as nefer vas, 

But I vas no "tead peat." 

Vot ! sell mine tog, mine leetle tog, 

Dot vollows me aboudt, 
Und vags his dail, like anydings, 

Yene'er I dakes him oudt ! 

Schust look at him, und see him schump! 

He likes me pooty veil ; 
Und dere vas somedings 'bout dat tog, 

Mynheer, I vouldn't sell. 

" Der collar ? " Nein, 'tvas somedings else 

Vrom vich I gould not bart ; 
Und if dot ding vas dook avay, 

I dinks it prakes mine heart. 

" Vot vas it, den, aboudt dat tog," 

You ashk, " dat's not vor sale V " 
I dells you vat it ish, mine freund : 

Tish der vag oft' dat tog's dail ! 

Charles F. Adams. 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS, 85 



A TUSSLE WITH IMMIGRANTS. 

The Ethnological Society of North America wished me to 
photograph types of immigrants arriving from Europe, at 
New York. 

Castle Garden is where all steerage passengers land ; and 
I was allowed every facility by the authorities. 

I began with an Italian, swarthy, under-sized, dressed in 
velveteen, and scented with garlic. As I placed him in front 
of the camera, he said : — 

"Ah been here before. Ah no greenhorn. Ah know 
the ropes a. You take a pictura don't cost you a centa; you 
don't pay me a dolla ; ah make ah face a so you don't getta 
the pictura. You don't picka me up a sardine. I sale the 
banana lass year in New York." 

A Frenchman was the next subject. Tall, meagre, polite, 
and talkative. 

" Sare," he remarked, " ze photographie ees not to me for 
ze first taime. Ze art of all kind faind himself at home in 
ma countrie — la belle France. I also am artist. I make ze 
wall papaire to beautify ze house. I am artist in ze paste- 
pot, and ze scissaires. To faind already a brothaire artist 
makes me to weep. Excuse me zat I weep. I remove to 
you ze hat; I salute ze veritable artist." Then this artist 
tried to kiss me, and because I repulsed him stood in gloomy 
majesty while I photographed him. 

Following my French friend, a Scotchman was brought. 
He wished me to take pictures of his entire family — eleven 
in all — and when informed that only types, not families, 
were required, he broke forth : — 

" I'm no able exactly to see why types should be needed, 
and no families. A type is guid eneugh thing gin ye'll 
want to prent a paper, but a lairge family o' braw lads an' 
bonnie lasses gangs a lang distance in a new land, an' I'm 
free to say my ain family is the lairgest ye'll see frae the 
ship." 

Even the stolid immigrants had to smile when the next 
subject was brought. He was a young German, tight-sleeved, 
long-skirted, smiling, and chatty. 

"Veil! Py jimmeny! you took my picture mid a box! 
How you done it I gifs oop! Und you told me ov I move I 
spoil him alretty. Den I don'd move. Ov a flea pites me, 
I dou'd move, — ov you don ; d stand me too long. Ov a man 



S6 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

gifs me a glass of peer, I don'd move. Ov I got hungry, T 
don'd go to dinner all der vile. I shoost stand here iike 
I vas a dellygraff bole ! Don'd it? " 

^finished the morning's work with a splendid specimen 
of a young Irishman, who had, I suspect, been injudiciously 
" treated" by his friends. 

As I placed him before the camera, he said : — 

" Av' it's taking aim ye are, don't say I thrimbled. God 
knows I'm willin' an' proud to die for ould Oireland ! 
Foire ! ye base murdherer, to desthroy me the day I kern 
ashore ! " 

Matters were explained, and he apologized. 

"Why didn't ye say ye wouldn't shoot? How would I 
know ye didn't have dynamite in yer box? Av its only 
the picthure av me mug you want, take it an' welkim. 
I'm no pig to be wantin' to kape a threasure hid from the 
wurruld." 

In departing I explained to the group that I would present 
each one with a copy of his picture if their addresses were 
furnished, and a Babel of words followed me. 

" Ah don't want a picture a. Ah want a dolla ! " 

" Sare, I am comble de Ukonneur. I zank you, sare ! " 

" I'm vara muckle ableeged till ye. I'll tak' a dozen on 
the same tairms." 

" Ov I don'd send you dot address, never mind ; you send 
me dot bicture, ennyhow ! " 

" Faith! Amerika's a darlin' counthry ! The best word I 
got at home was, Leve the way, ye vagabone ! Here it is, 
Misther O'Ryan, will it plaze ye have yer picther taken, an' 
where'll we send it for ye?" 

Philip Douglass. 

♦ 

A D(*KETOR'S DRUBBLES, 

I youst to bin a doketor vonce, 

Vat koored all kints ov gases; 
Und in my bragtis I have met 

A goot mainy deaferent fases. 

Yor dwendy milse round vere I leved, 

De beeple vas gwite seekly ; 
Boud vonce a veek I galled arount, 

Und zo I vound um veekly. 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 87 

Soam vas seek rait vone decease, 

U rid soam dey had anoder, 
Und soam you vooden't doght vood leve 

Vrom one ent do de oder. 

Bud pooty soon I vound dot oud 

My bocket book was dhry, 
Und also my oxpensays 

Vas runing oval high. 

So I vent oud gollecting ; 

Bud aifery vere I vent, 
My batients vas oxhorseted, — 

Dey vas not vorfc a cendt. 

Und I vent und seed vone men, 

He vas briefing hees preaih lasht; 
I doght de gwicker I got dot, 

De sooner it vas kasked. 

So I showed de men hees node, 

Und T dold heem do pay; 
Hees dime vas shoost up, 

Dot vos hees lasht tay. 

Hees hands vas in each bocked, 

Und dots vy I doght so sdrauge ; 
He died — und hees lasht vords vas, 

" I don'd veel ainy shange." 

Und vone sed do me, " Doketor, 

Howefer can I pay ? 
You know dot I'm not aple — 

I'm vailing al'ery tay." 

Und anoder vailer dold me, 

" Shoost valk you ride avay ; 
You got dot oil vat's due you 

Ven comes de shoodgment-tay." 

I eshked vone men vor hees sheck, 

Id vas yoost pefore hees deadth ; 
But I vound he hadn't no dime, 

He vas drawing hees lasht breadth. 



88 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

Und T found dish vasli de drubble — 

Een my kase ainy vay — 
De beeple vot I doketored 

Heddent cents enoff to bay. 

You'f hurt dot goot old sayink, 
Verein dot goot pook says — 

I dink id combs out desewise — 
" Soam rools ken vork bote vays." 

Und so it ess mit de doketor ; 

Of he eshkt a man to bay, 
Und he tails him, " I ken't do id/* 

Hees shoor to die dot day. 

I vent beck to my offus, 

Veeling dired dru und dru ; 

Und togedder mit dese drubble 
I vash med and shleeby doo. 

I lade down on de sofy, 

Und dried to haive a shnooze ; 

Bud een a doketors' offus, 
Dot didn't vas no youse. 

I hurt soam kolling, " Doketor ! " 
Und I run ub do my shbout, 

Und dese vords vent his ears down: 
" Vat's de metier mit your mout ? " 

Und den dot failer holleret, — 

Hees woice vas shdrong und giear, 

Und dese vords vent de shpout oop, — 
" Dooce Dr. Sholtz leve hier ? " 

Und gwickly beck my an-swear 

Dot shbout vas goin dro : 
" Dr. Sholtz, dot vas my name, sir, 

Vat vood you hev me doo ? " 

" Now let me eshk you doketor ; 

You shoore I'fe got dot righd ? 
Ish your name Dr. Vriederick Sholtz f** 

Hee yelt mit oil hees mighd. 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 89 

I doght dot men was crazy — 

Oar meppy he vas diglit. 
I sed, " Yaas — 'tvas Doketor Vriederick Sholtz, 

Vat you vant dese dime off nighd ? " 

Und I vas zo oxtonished, 

Bud de naixt dings vat I hear, 
Ven dot failer dold me, " Doketor, 

How long hev you leefed hier ? " 

Un den I vas oxcited, 

I felt yooust like a row ; 
I sed, " 1'fe leefed hier dwendy years : 

Vat you vant, ainyhow ? " 

Dot men he vas a villane, 

Und dot's yoost vat I kin brove ; 
He singed oud to me lowdly, 

" Vat's de reason you dond moofe ? * 

I run down dru de shdairvay, 

Und oud into de shdreed ; 
Bud I only hurt de bavemends 

Klattering fashd agenshd hees feed. 

I reely dink sooch ekshuns 

Shoot not be oferlooked ; 
Of I kood kaitch dot f ailer — 

Py cosh, hees coose vas kooked ! 

Now I vood say doo de doketors, 

Yoost pefore id vas doo late, 
Dond naifer loose your batients, 

Und you'll suckseed fushtrate. 

No metter vots de reason, 

You naifer shood get vexed ; 
You may loose your bay in dese vorldt, 

Bud you'll get id in de next. 

George M. Warren. 



90 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

CHARLIE MACHREE. 

Come over, come over the river to me, 

If ye are my laddie, bold Charlie Machree ! 

Here's Mary McPherson and Susy O'Linn, 

Who say ye're faint-hearted, and dare not plunge in. 

But the dark, rolling river, though deep as the sea, 

I know cannot scare you, nor keep you from me; 

For stout is your back, and strong is your arm, 

And the heart in your bosom is faithful and warm. 

Come over, come over the river to me, 

If ye are my laddie, bold Charlie Machree ! 

I see him ! I see him ! He's plunged in the tide ! 

His strong arms are dashing the big waves aside. 

Oh ! the dark, rolling water shoots swift as the sea, 

But blithe is the glance of his bonnie blue e'e ; 

His cheeks are like roses, twa buds on a bough, — 

Who says ye're faint-hearted, my brave laddie, now? 

Ho, ho ! foaming river, ye may roar as ye go ; 

But ye canna bear Charlie to the dark loch below. 

Come over, come over the river to me, 

My true-hearted laddie, my Charlie Machree ! 

He's sinking ! he's sinking ! Oh, what shall I do ! 

Strike out, Charlie, boldly, ten strokes, and ye're through. 

He's sinking, oh, Heaven ! Ne'er fear, man, ne'er fear: 

I've a kiss for ye, Charlie, as soon as ye're here ! 

He rises: I see him — five strokes, Charlie, niair — 

He's shaking the wet from his bonnie brown hair; 

He conquers the current, he gains on the sea. 

Ho, where is the swimmer like Charlie Machree! 

Come over the river, but once come to me, 

And I'll love ye forever, dear Charlie Machree ! 

He's sinking ! he's gone ! O God ! it is I, 

It is I who have killed him ! Help ! help ! — he must die. 

Help ! help ! Ah ! he rises ! Strike out, and ye're free ! 

Ho, bravely done, Charlie, once more, now, for me ! 

Now cling to the rock, now give me your hand, — 

Ye're safe, dearest Charlie, ye're safe on the land ! 

Come rest on my bosom, if there ye can sleep : 

I canna speak to ye ; I only can weep. 

Ye've crossed the wild river, ye've risked all for me, 

And I'll part frae ye never, dear Charlie Machree ! 

William J. Hoppin. 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 91 



A DUTCHMAN'S DOLLY VARDEN. 

Yell, mine freund, you know dat I hav on my het dat 
leedle bump der frenollogiggers say dat I hav great like for 
de ladies, aind it ? Veil, I vas goin' down de shtreet der tay 
after yesterday, und ven I comes to der blace vat dey calls 
der corner, so der shtreet mit anoder shtreet makes a nice 
leetle cross oder der leetle saw-buck, you know vat dat is ? 
So soon I comes to der blace, vot you tink ? A nice leetle poy 
mit great many papers in der hand goes by, and shust so soon 
as he goes by he gifs me von leetle paper mitout notings. 
But it vas padder as vorse vot I took dot leetle paper, and 
den I goes and makes me von mineself von great pig fool. 
Vat you tink I on dot paper find, — you no guess dot in 
twelve tousand year. I dell you vot I see on dot. It vas like 
diss : " Come und see your Dolly Varden. She is lovely ; she 
is putiful ; she is rich ! You can she hav for most notings." 
Den der leetle paper gives der number von der shtreet vare 
I could she find. It vas said Mr. Shteward, py Proatvay 
oud. So soon I reads dot petter as goot, mine heart makes 
me von pitty-pat, knock-knock. You know vat dat is. I no 
more knows vare I lif, oder var I vas goin'. Dolly Varden ! 
She vas rich ; she vas lovely ; she vas putiful ; und Dolly, 
dot vas shust so nice names, aind it? Und der leetle poy 
dat me dot paper gives, made he on dot paper say dot I can she 
hav for most notings. Der firsht ding vot mine eye come 
against vas von dose leetle shticks mit der great American 
flag round him, vot says dot dere viskers be taken off dere, 
und der hair be so bright and shining made, also der plack- 
ing boots. Denn I goes right dere, und I pays dot man 
fifteen cent — fifteen cent! mind you dot! vile dot he make 
mine hair der vay vot I shpeak von. Den, mit mine het up, 
feeling dot I shust so pig as Carl Schurz, I goes after der 
shtreet for to git me mine Dolly Varden. I vonders so soon 
I comes to der blace und sees der pig shtore shop of Mister 
Shteward, vedder or not she owns all dot nice buildings. 
Anoder leetle poy opens dot door so nicely, unt he looks me 
in der face so shmilings dot I tinks praps it vos Dolly's 
brudder; and mine heart he goes so hot like fire; most like 
der pig, plazing Shecawgo fire. Und I says to der poy, so 
sliweet I could, you know, "You hav der sister here, aint 
it?" Denn der poy he look me mit vonder, und he make 



92 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

dot het go so, like dot. T shpeaks no more mit der poy, but 
I goes to der shtand, vare I sees von fine gentleman, mid I 
says, " I vould dot young lady see, vot der leetle poy givs me 
paper von." — " Vot is dot?" says der shentlemans. Denn I 
says, "I vants mine Dolly Varden! " Und der man says, 
"Dolly Varden! come dis vay venn you blease." Und I 
follows dot man mit mine heart full von great tremblings 
unt joy put togedder, shust like der apple und meat in der 
mince-pie. Put vat is dot he do now? He go und show me 
a leetle piece von cloth, mit great many putiful color. Denn 
I say, " You nixverstay me. I no vant to see her dress. I 
vould see Dolly Varden she self." Dere goes more vunder 
donn der poy hat over der face von der shentlemans, und he 
say, "Dis is Dolly Varden." Denn I say, "Dolly Varden! 
Dolly Varden ! Oh ! I no vant such voomans as dot." Und 
mine mind runs vay mit mine het, unt mine het runs vay 
mit mine bodies, und mine bodies runs vay mit mine feet, 
und der shtore is vay on der odder side von me. Und ven I 
see again on der shtreet dot leetle poy I vould him pants 
make varm for dot he gif me so much heart-ache. 

Und denn ven I tinks on vot I pees und vat I used to vas, 
I feels I trow fifteen cent avay mitout sufficient cause. Den 
I feels mit mineselfs so mad to trow avays fifteen cents — 
tree glass lager — for notinks, dat I go very queeck and 
trown mineself in de try-tock, till I vas vashit ashore mit a 
bar of soft-soap. 

Anonymous. 



THE FRENCHMAN AND THE FLEA- 
POWDER. 

A FAVORITE COMIC RECITATION. 

A Frenchman once — so runs a certain ditty — 

Had crossed the Straits to famous London city 

To get a living by the arts of France, 

And teach his neighbor, rough John Bull, to dance. 

But, lacking pupils, vain was all his skill : 

His fortunes sank from low to lower still. 

Until at last, — pathetic to relate, — 

Poor monsieur lauded at starvation's gate. 



31 ED LEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 93 

Standing one day beside a cook-shop door, 

And gazing in, with aggravation sore, 

He mused within himself what he should do 

To fill his empty maw, and pocket too. 

By nature shrewd, he soon contrived a plan, 

And thus to execute it straight began. 

A piece of common brick he quickly found, 

And with a harder stone to powder ground ; 

Then wrapped the dust in many a dainty piece 

Of paper, labelled " Poison for de Fleas," 

And sallied forth, his roguish trick to try, 

To show his treasures, and to see who'd buy. 

From street to street he cried with lusty yell, 

" Here's grand and sovereign flea-poudare to sell 1 " 

And fickle Fortune seemed to smile at last, 

For soon a woman hailed him as he passed; 

Struck a quick bargain with him for the lot, 

And made him five crowns richer on the spot. 

Our wight, encouraged by this ready sale, 

Went into business on a larger scale ; 

And soon, throughout all London, scattered he 

The "only genuine pouclare for de flea." 

Engaged one morning in his new vocation 

Of mingled boasting and dissimulation, 

He thought he heard himself in anger called ; 

And, sure enough, the self-same woman bawled — 

In not a mild or very tender mood — 

From the same window where before she stood. 

" Hey, there," said she, "you Monsher Powder-man 1 

Escape my clutches now, sir, if you can. 

I'll let you dirty, thieving Frenchmen know 

That decent people won't be cheated so." 

Then spoke monsieur, and heaved a saintly sigh, 

With humble attitude and tearful eye : 

" Ah, madame ! s'il vous plait, attendez vous, 

I vill dis leetle ting explain to you. 

My poudare gran' ! magnifique ! why abuse him ? 

Aha ! I show you how to use him , 

First, you must wait until you catch defiea; 

Den tickle he on de petite rib, you see ; 

And when he laugh — aha ! he ope his throat; 

Den poke de poudare down t — Begar ! he choke." 



94 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

THE FRENCHMAN AND THE SHEEP'S 
TROTTERS. 

A CELEBRATED COMIC RECITATION. 

A monsieur from the Gallic shore, 

Who, though not over-rich, wished to appear so, 
Came over in a ship with friends a score — 
Poor emigrants, whose wealth, good lack ! 
Dwelt only on their ragged backs — 
Who thought him rich : they'd heard him oft declare so, 
For he was proud as Satan's self, 
And often bragged about his pelf; 

And as a proof — the least 
That he could give — he promised when on land, 
At the first inn, in style so grand, 
To give a feast ! 
The Frenchmen jumped at such an offer. 
Monsieur did not forget his proffer ; 
But at the first hotel on shore, 
They stopped to lodge and board. 
The Frenchman ordered in his way 
A dinner to be done that day ; 

But here occurred a grievous bore : — 
Monsieur of English knew but little. 
Tapps of French knew not a tittle. 
In ordering dinner, therefore, 'tis no wonder 
That they should make a blunder. 
Whether the landlord knew, or no, 
The sequel of my tale will show. 
He blundered, and it cannot be denied, 
To some small disadvantage on his side. 
The order seemed immense to Boniface : 

But more the expense, to him the greater fun; 
For all that from the order he could trace, 
Was, — " Messieur Bull, you lettee me have, I say, 
Vich for vid cash, I sal you pay, 

Fifteen of those vid vich the sheep do run ! " 
From which old Tapps could only understand 

(But whether right or \yrong, cared not a button), 
That what monsieur desired, with air so grand, 
Was fifteen legs of mutton ! 
" A dinner most enormous ! " cried the elf. 
" Zounds ! each must eat a leg, near, to himself ! " 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 95 

However, they seemed a .set of hungry curs ; 
And so, without more bother or demurs, 
Tapps to his cook his orders soon expressed, 
And fifteen legs of mutton quick were dressed. 
And now around the table all elate, 
The Frenchman's friends the dinner doth await. 
Joy sparkled in each hungry urchin's eyes, 
When they beheld, with glad surprise, 
Tapps quick appear with leg of mutton hot, 
Smoking, and just ejected from the pot ! 
Laughed, stared, and chuckled more and more, 
When two they saw, then three, then four ! 
And then & fifth their eager glances blessed, 
And then a sixth, larger than all the rest ! 

But soon the Frenchman's countenance did change, 

To see the legs of mutton on the table. 
Surprise and rage by turns 
In his face burns, 
While Tapps the table did arrange 

As nice as he was able. 

And while the Frenchmen for the feast prepared, 

Thus, in a voice that quite the landlord scared, 
Our hero said, — 
" Mon Dieu, monsieur ! vy for you make 
Dis vera great blundare and mistake? 
Vy for you bring to me dese mouton legs?" 
Tapps with a bow his pardon begs : — 
" I've done as you have ordered, sir," said he. 
" Did you not order fifteen legs of me ? 
Six of which before your eyes appear, 
And nine besides are nearly done down-stair ! 
Here, John ! " — " Go, hang you, Jean ! you fool ! you ass ! 
You one great clown to bring me to dis pass : 
Take vay dis meat, for vich I sail no pay. 
I did no order dat." — "What's that you say? " 
Tapps answered with a frown and with a stare, 
u You ordered fifteen legs of me, I'll sw r ear, 
Or fifteen things with which the sheep do run, 
Which means the same : — I'm not so easy done." 
"Parbleu, monsieur! vy you no comprehend? 

You may take back de legs unto de pot: 
I telle you, sare, 'tis not de legs I vant, 

But dese here leetel tings vid vich de sheep do trot.' " 



96 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

" Why, hang it ! " cried the landlord in a rage, 
Which monsieur vainly tried to assuage, 
" Hang it ! " said he, as to the door he totters : 
"Now, after all the trouble that I took, 
These legs of mutton both to buy and cook, 
It seems instead of fifteen legs, 
You merely wanted fifteen poor sheep's trotters!" 



I VANT TO FLY. 

A HUMOROUS RECITATION. — FRENCH DIALECT. 

Shortly before the conclusion of the war with Napoleon, 
there were a number of French officers in an inland town 
on their parole of honor. Now, one gentleman being tired 
with the usual routine of eating, drinking, gambling, smok- 
ing, etc., therefore, in order to amuse himself otherwise, re- 
solved to go a-fishing. His host supplied him with rod and 
line, but, being in want of artificial flies, he went in search 
of a fishing-tackle maker's shop. Having found one, kept 
by a plain, painstaking John Bull, our Frenchman entered, 
and with a bow, a cringe, and a shrug of the shoulders, 
thus began : — 

" Ah, Monsieur Anglais ! comment vous portez-vous ? " 

" Eh ! that's French," exclaimed the shopkeeper ; " not 
that I understand it, but I'm very well, if that's what you 
mean." 

"Bon, bon, ver good; den, sare, I sail tell you, I vant 
deux fly." 

" I dare say you do, mounseer," replied the Englishman, 
" and so do a great many more of your outlandish gentry ; 
but I'm a true-born Briton, and can never consent to assist 
the enemies of my country to leave it, particularly when 
they cost us so much to bring them here." 

" Ah, monsieur, you no comprehend ! I shall repeate, I 
vant deux fly, on the top of de vater." 

"Oh! what, you want to fly by water, do you? then I'm 
sure I can't assist you ; for we are at least a hundred miles 
from the seacoast, and our canal is not navigable above 
ten or twelve miles from here." 

" Diable ! sare, you are un stup of the block. I sail tell 
you once seven times over again — I vant deux fly on the 



MEDLEY DTALECT RECITATIONS. 97 

top of de vater, to dingle dangle at the end of de long 
pole." t 

" Ay, ay ! you only fly, mounseer, by land or water, and 
if they catch you, I'll be hanged if they won't dingle dangle 
you, as you call it, at the end of a long pole." 

" Sacre un de Dieu ! la bias ! vat you mean by dat, enfer 
diable? you are un bandit jack of de ass, Johnny de Bull. 
Ba, ba, you are effrontee, and I disgrace me to parley vid 
you ! I tell you, sare, dat I vant deux fly on the top of de 
vater, to dingle dangle at the end of the long pole, to la 
trap poisson." 

"What's that you say, you French mounseer — you'll lay 
a trap to poison me and all my family, because I won't as- 
sist you to escape ? why, the like was never heard. Here, 
Betty, go for the constable." 

The constable soon arrived, who happened to be as igno- 
rant as the shopkeeper ; and of course, it was not expected 
that a constable should be a scholar. Thus the man of 
office began : — 

"What's all this? Betty has been telling me that this 
here outlandish Frenchman is going to poison you and all 
your family ! Ay, ay, I should like to catch him at it, 
that's all! Come, come to prison, you delinquent." 

" No, sare, I sail not go to de prison ; take me before de 
what you call it — de ting that nibble de grass ? " 

" Nibble grass ? You mean sheep? " 

" No, I mean de — de " — 

" Oh, you mean the cow ! " 

"No, sare, not de cow; you stup Johnny bceuf — I mean 
de cheval, vat you ride. [Imitating.] Come, sare, gee up. 
Ah, ha!" 

" Oh, now I know ! you mean a horse." 

"No, sare, I mean de horse's vife." 

" What, the mare ? " 

" Oui, bon, yes, sare ; take me to de mayor." 

This request was complied with ; and the French officer 
soon stood before the English magistrate, who, by chance, 
happened to be better informed than his neighbors, and 
thus explained the dilemma of the unfortunate Frenchman, 
to the satisfaction of all parties : — 

"You have mistaken the»intention of this, honest gentle- 
man : he did not want to fly the country, but to go a-fish- 
ing, and for that purpose went to your shop to purchase 



98 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

two flies, by way of bait, or, as he expressed it, to la trap 
la poisson. Poisson, in French, is fish." 

" Why, ay," replied the shopkeeper, " that may be true , 
you are a scholard, and so you know better than I. Poison: 
in French, may be very good fish, but give me good old 
English roast beef." 



THE FRENCHMAN'S MISTAKE. 

FRENCH DIALECT RECITATION. 

Not long since, a sober, middle-aged gentleman was 
quietly dozing in one of our railroad-trains, when his pleas- 
ant, drowsy meditations were suddenly interrupted by the 
sharp voice of the individual by his side. This was no 
less a personage than a dandified, hot-blooded, inquisitive 
Frenchman, who raised his hairy visage close to that of the 
gentleman he addressed. 

" Pardonnez, sare ; but vat you do viz ze pictair — liein ? " 

As he spoke, monsieur pointed to some beautiful steel- 
plate engravings in frames, which the quiet gentleman held 
in his lap, and which suited the fancy of the little French 
connoisseur precisely. 

The quiet gentleman looked at the inquisitive foreigner 
with a scowl which he meant to be very forbidding, and 
made no reply. The Frenchman, nothing daunted, once 
more approached his hairy visage into that of his compan- 
ion, and repeated the question : — 

" Vat you do viz ze pictair — hein ? " 

" I am taking them to Salem," replied the quiet gentle- 
man gruffly. 

"Hal you take 'em to sell 'em!" chimed in the shrill 
voice of the Frenchman. "I be glad of zat, by gar! I like 
ze pictair. I buy 'em of you, sare. How much you ask V " 

" They are not for sale," replied the sleepy gentleman, 
more thoroughly awake, by the by, and not a little irritated. 

" HeinV grunted monsieur in astonishment. "Vat you 
say, sare V " 

" I say I don't want to sell the pictures ! " cried the other, 
at the top of his voice. 

"By gar! c'est drole!"' exclaimed the Frenchman, his eye 
beginning to flash with passion. " It is one strange cir- 
cumstance, pnrbleu .' 1 ask you vat you do viz ze pictair, 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 99 

and you say you take 'em to sell 'em, and zen you vill not 
sell 'em ! Vat you mean, sare — liein t " 

" I mean what I say," replied the other sharply. " I 
don't want to sell the engravings, and I didn't say I did." 

" Morbleu ! " sputtered monsieur, in a tone loud enough 
to attract the attention of those of his fellow-travellers who 
were not already listening ; " morbleu ! you mean to say I 
'ave not any ear? Non, monsieur, by gar I hear ver' well 
vat you tell me. You say you sell ze pictair. Is it because 
I one Frenchman, zat you will not sell me ze pictair?" 

The irritated gentleman, hoping to rid himself of the 
annoyance, turned his back upon his assailant, and made 
no reply. 

But monsieur was not to be put off thus. He laid his 
hand on the shoulder of the other, and, showing his small 
white teeth, exclaimed, — 

" Sacristie ! monsieur, zis is too muche. You've give 
me one insult, and I shall 'ave satisfaction." Still no reply. 
"By gar, monsieur," continued the Frenchman, "you are 
not one gentleman. 1 shall call you one poltroon — vat you 
call 'em ? — coward ! " 

" What do you mean ? " retorted the other, afraid the 
affair was beginning to get serious. " I haven't insulted 
you, sir." 

"Pardonnez, monsieur; but it is one grand insult! In 
America, perhaps not ; but in France, one blow your brains 
out.'' 

" For what, pray ? " 

"For vat? Parbleu! you call me one menteur — how 
you speak 'em — liar ? you call me one liar ? you call me 
one liar ? " 

" Oh, no, sir ! You misunderstood " — 

"No, by gar! I've got ears. You say you vill sell ze 
pictair ; and ven I tell you vat you say, you say ze contrarie 
— zat is not so! " 

" But I didn't tell you I would sell the pictures," remon- 
strated the man with the engravings, beginning to feel 
alarmed at the passion manifested by the other. " You 
misunderstood " — 

" I tell you no ! It is not posseebl' ! Yen I ask you vat 
you do viz ze pictair, vat you say ? " 

"I said I was taking them to Salem." 

" Yes, parbleu ! " exclaimed monsieur, more angry than 
ever : " you say you take 'em to sell 'em " — 



100 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

"No, no!" interrupted the other, "not to sell them, but 
Salem — the city of Salem." 

" Ze city of Sell 'em ! " exclaimed the Frenchman, amid 
the roars of laughter that greeted his ears. " Sacristie ! 
Zat is one grand mistake. Pardon, monsieur ! Que je suis 
bete! Ze city of Sell 'em? Ha, ha! I vill remember 
zat, by gar ! " And he stroked his mustache with his 
fingers, while the man with the engravings once more gave 
way to his drowsy inclinations. 



"TWO TOLLAR?" 

[From the Detroit Free Press.] 

- There was a slight blaze on the roof of a house on Rus- 
sell Street a few days ago; and when the insurance adjusters 
went up to make their survey, they found that about two 
dollars would cover all the loss. 

" Two tollar ! " exclaimed the owner when he heard the 
decision — "I can't take no two tollar." 

" But you see for yourself that a dozen shingles and an 
hour's work will make good all damages." 

" Gentlemens, you doan' put me oil like dot. Vhen my 
vhife finds dot ve vhas on fire, she screams boleece und 
murder, und falls down-shtairs. Vould you let your vhife 
fall down-shtairs for dot sum? ' If so, I goes home mit you 
und sees der fun." 

" We do not insure husbands and wives, but buildings," 
was the reply. 

" I know ; but mein oldest poy, he runs for der fire-box, 
und falls a picket-fence-oafer, und breaks his good clothes all 
to pieces. Two tollar ! Dot doan' bay me for goming oop 
here." 

" Yes, but we can only pay for actual damages." 

" Dot's all I vhant. Who stole my dog ven my house 
vhas on fire? Dot dog ish gone, und he vhas ten tollar 
wort." 

" We didn't insure the dog." 

" Und maybe you don't insure dem poys who set on der 
fence und called out, ' Dot ole Dutchman's red nose has set 
his house on fire! ' Do you oxpect I take such sass like dot 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 101 

for two tollar? Und vhen the firemens come here dey break 
mem clothes-line down mit der ladders, und dey spill wasser 
all oafer my carpets. Two tollar ! Vhell, vhell ! you go 
right avhay from here, und I takes dot old insurance bolicy 
und steps him into der mud ! " 



A FRENCHMAN ON MACBETH. 

An enthusiastic French student of Shakspeare thus com- 
ments on the tragedy of Macbeth : — 

" Ah ! your Mossieu' Shak-es-pier ! He is gr-r-aand — mys- 
terieuse — sooblime ! You 'ave reads ze Macabess — ze 
scene of Mossieu' Macabess vis ze Vitch — eh? Superb 
sublimitee ! Wen he say to ze Vitch, ' Ar-r-roynt ye, 
Vitch ! ' she go away ; but what she say when she go away? 
She say she will do s'omesing dat aves got no naame ! Ah, 
ha ! she say, ' I go, like ze r-r-aa-t vizout ze tail, but I'll do ! 
I'll do!' W'at she do? Ah, haviola le graand, mysterieuse 
Mossieu' Shak-es-pier ! She not say what she do ! " 

This was " grand," to be sure ; but the prowess of Mac- 
beth, in his " bout " with Macduff, awakens all the mercurial 
Frenchman's martial ardor : — 

"Mossieu' Macabess, he see him come, clos' by: he say 
(proud empressement), 'Come-o-o-n, Mossieu' Macduffs, 

and d d be he who first say enuffs ! ' Zen zey fi-i-ght- 

moche. Ah, ha ! voila ! Mossieu' Macabess, vis his br-r-ight 
r-r-apier, ' pink ' him, vat you call, in his body. He 'ave 
gots mal d'estomac : he say, vis grand simplicite, ' Enoffs ! ' 
What for he say ' Enoffs '? 'Cause he got enoffs — plaanty : 
and he expire r-right away, mediately, pretty quick ! Ah, 
mes amis, Mossieu' Shak-es-pier is rising man in La Belle 

Francel " o Anonymous. 

LIKE MOTHER USED TO MAKE. 

" I was born in Indiany," said a stranger lank and slim, 
As us fellers in the restaurant was kind o' guyin' him, 
And Uncle Jake was slidin' him another pun 'kin pie 
And a extra cup o' coffee, with a twinkle in his eye, — 
" I was born in Indiany, more'n forty year ago ; 
And I hain't been back in twenty, and I'm vvorkin' back'ards 
slow; 



102 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

" But I've et in every restarunt 'twixt here and Santa Fee, 
And I want to state, this coffee tastes like gittin' home to 

me ! 
" Pour us out another, daddy," says the feller, warmin' up, 
A-speakin' 'crost a saucerful, as uncle tuck his cup. 
" When I seed yer sign out vender," he went on to uncle 

Jake, — 
" ' Come in and git some coffee like your mother used to 

make,' — 
I thought of my old mother and the Posey-county farm, 
And me a little kid agin', a-hangin' on her arm ; 
And she set the pot a-bilin', broke the eggs, and poured 'em 

in " — 
And the feller kind o' halted with a trimble in his chin. 
And uncle Jake he fetched the feller's coffee back, and stood 
As solemn, for a minute, as a undertaker would. 

Then he sort o' turned, and tiptoed to'rds the kitchen-door ; 

and next, 
Here comes his old wife out with him, a-rubbin' of her specs ; 
And she rushes for the stranger, and she hollers out, " It's 

him! 
Thank God, we've met him comin' ! Don't you know your 

mother, Jim ? " 
And the feller, as he grabbed her, says, " You bet I hain't 

forgot." 
But, wipin' of his eyes, says he, " Your coffee's mighty hot." 
James Whitcomb Riley, in New-York Mercury. 



JOHN CHINAMAN'S PROTEST. 

Melican man no wantee John Chinaman ally mo': 

He no slay, "John, you velly good washee." 
Not muchee: he slay, "John, I wipee flo' 
Withee you if mo' comee this countlee." 
What fo' 
Melican man 
No wantee 
John Chinaman 
Ally mo' ? 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS, 20 

John Chinaman he no gettee dlunk heap: 

He mind his own washee, washee, 
Alle dayee long, and takee sleep, 

Boil watel fo' — wat you call him ? — oh, hashee ! 
What fo' 
Melican man 
No wantee 
John Chinaman 
Ally mo'? 

John Chinaman he no punchee head muchj 
He no, like Melican man, say " Helleel '* 
He usee sloap, watel, sclubbin'-blush, 
Ebly dayee to help fillee bellee. 
What fo' 
Melican man 
No wantee 
John Chinaman 
Ally mo' V 

John Chinaman he vellee pool man; 

He no have timee to fool away ; 
He workee allee dayee fast he can: 
He no workee, he no gettee pay. 
What fo' 
Melican man 
No wantee 
John Chinaman 
Ally mo' ? 

John Chinaman no loafee lound the sleets; 

He workee hald fo' makee livin' : 
He washee collals, shirtee, cuffee, sheets; 
He do no beggin' or no fiefin. 
What fo' 
Melican man 
No wantee 
John Chinaman 
Ally mo' ? 

John Chinaman he havee no votee ; 

Is that leason why he no wantee here? 
He no go lound 'lection day, and shoutee, 

Fightee everybody sniokee cigal, or dlink beef. 



104 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

What fo' 
Melican man 
No wantee 
John Chinaman 
Ally mo' ? 

M. F. D, 



THE WHISTLER. 



"You have heard," — said a youth to his sweetheart, who 
stood 

While he sat on a corn-sheaf, at daylight's decline, — 
" You have heard of the Danish boy's whistle of wood : 

I wish that the Danish boy's whistle were mine." 

" And what would you do with it? Tell me," she said, 
While an arch smile played over her beautiful face. 

" I would blow it," he answered ; " and then my fair maid 
Would fly to my side, and would there take her place." 

" Is that all you wish for? Why, that may be yours 
Without any magic ! " the fair maiden cried : 

" A favor so slight one's good-nature secures ; " 
And she playfully seated herself by his side. 

" I would blow it again/' said the youth ; " and the charm 
Would work so, that not even modesty's check 

Would be able to keep from my neck your white arm." 
She smiled; and she laid her white arm round his neck. 

" Yet once more I would blow ; and the music divine 
• Would bring me a third time an exquisite bliss, — 
You would lay your fair cheek to this brown one of mine ; 
And your lips, stealing past it, would give me a kiss." 

The maiden laughed out in her innocent glee, — 

" What a fool of yourself with the whistle you'd make ! 

For only consider how silly 'twould be 

To sit there and whistle for what you might take=" 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 105 

MOTHER'S DOUGHNUTS. 
El Dorado, 1851. 

I've jest bin down ter Thompson's, boys, 

'N' feelin' kind o' blue, 
I thought I'd look in at " The Ranch," 

Ter find out what wuz new ; 
When 1 seen this sign a-hangin' 

On a shanty by the lake : 
" Here's whar yer gets yer doughnuts 

Like yer mother used ter make." 



I've seen a grizzly show his teeth ; 

I've seen Kentucky Pete 
Draw out his shooter, 'n' advise 

A " tenderfoot " ter treat ; 
But nothin' ever tuk me down 

'N' made my benders shake, 
Like that sign about the doughnuts 

That my mother used ter make. 



A sort o' mist shut out the ranch; 

' N ' standin' thar instead, 
I seen an old white farmhouse, 

With its doors all painted red. 
A whirl' came through the open door 

Wuz 1 sleepin', or awake? 
The smell wuz that of doughnuts 

Like my mother used ter make. 



The bees wuz hummin' round the porch, 

Whar honeysuckles grew ; 
A yellow dish, of apple-sass 

Wuz sittin' thar in view; 
'N' on the table, by the stove. 

An old-time "johnny-cake," 
*W a platter full of doughnuts 

Like my mother used ter make. 



106 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

A patient form T seemed ter seo, 

In tidy dress of black : 
I almost thought I heard the words, 

" When will my boy come back ? " 
'N' then — the old sign creaked; but now 

It was the boss who sjDake : 
" Here's whar yer gets yer doughnuts 

Like yer mother used ter make." 

Well, boys, that kind o' broke me up ; 

'IS"' ez I've struck pay gravel, 
I ruther think I'll pack my kit, 

Vamose the ranch, 'n' travel. 
I'll make the old folks jubilant; 

'N' if I don't mistake, 
I'll try some o' them doughnuts 

Like my mother used ter make. 

Charles Fallen Adams. 



OVER THE LEFT. 

Their deposits were left over night in the bank, — 

In a bank without whisper of fault : 
The amounts to their credit were placed on the books, 

And were left over night in the vault. 

To their credit, I say it, the bank was locked tight, 

Guarding thus against fire and theft ; 
A patrol on the walk, and a new 'lectric light, 

Throwing beams to the right and the left. 



Just here the cashier he left over night, 

Taking all but the house and the soil ; 
And the long and the short of the story is this, — 

He was too long of stocks — short of oil. 

A receiver was called, and he looked o'er the wreck, 
And received those who called — thus bereft. 

-Have you nothing left over?" they timidly ask: 
He answers, " 1 r es, over the left" 

W. C. Dornin. 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 107 



A JOLLY FAT FRIAR. 

A jolly fat friar loved liquor good store, 

And he had drunk stoutly at supper ; 
He mounted his horse in the night at the door, 

And he sat with his face at the crupper. 
"Some rogue," quoth the friar, "quite dead to remorse, 

Some thief, whom a halter will throttle, 
Some scoundrel has cut off the head of my horse 

While I was engaged at the bottle, 
Which went gluggity, gluggity — glug — glug — glug." 

The tail of the steed pointed south on the dale, 

'Twas the friar's road home straight and level ; 
But when spurred a horse follows his nose, not his tail, 

So he scampered due north like the devil. 
" This new mode of docking," the friar then said, 

" I perceive doesn't make a horse trot ill ; 
And 'tis cheap — for he never can eat off his head 

While I am engaged at the bottle, 
Which goes gluggity, gluggity — glug — glug— glug." 

The steed made a stop — in a pond he had got: 

He was rather for drinking than grazing ; 
Quoth the friar, " 'Tis strange, headless horses should trot; 

But to drink with their tails is amazing ! " 
Turning round to see whence this phenomenon rose, 

In the pond fell this son of a pottle. 
Quoth he, " The head's found, for I'm under his nose ; 

I wish I were over a bottle, 
Wliich goes gluggity, gluggity — glug — glug — glug." 

Anonymous. 



THE ENOCH OF CALAVERAS. 

** Well, dog my cats ! Say, stranger, 

You must have travelled far! 
Just flood your lower level 

And light a fresh cigar. 



108 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

Don't tell me in this weather! 

You hoofed it all the way? 
Well, slice my liver lengthwise! 

Why, stranger, what's to pay? 

" Huntin' yer wife, you tell me : 

Well, now dog-gone my skin ! 
She thought you dead and buried 

And then bestowed her tin 
Upon another fellow! 

Just put it here, old pard ! 
Some fellows strike the soft things, 

But you have hit it hard. 

" I'm right onto your feelin's, 

I know how it would be, 
If my own shrub slopped over 

And got away from me. 
Say, stranger; that old sage hen, 

That's cookin' thar inside, 
Is warranted the finest wool, 

And just a square yard wide. 

*'I wouldn't hurt yer, pardner, 

But I tell you, no man 
Was ever blessed as I am 

With that old pelican. 
It's goin' on some two year 

Since she was j'ined to me, 
She was a widder prior, 

Her name was Sophy Lee — 

4< Good God ! Old man, what's happened? 

Her? She? Is that the one? 
That's her? Your wife, you tell me? 

Now reach down fer yer gun, 
I never injured no man, 

And no man me, but squealed, 
And any one who takes her 

Must do it d — d well heeled! 

"Listen? Surely. Certainly 

I'll let you look at her. 
Peek through the door, she's in thar, 

Is that your furnitur' ? 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 109 

Speak, man, quick! You're mistaken! 

No ! Yours ! You recognize 
My wife, your wife the same one? 

The man who says so, lies ! 

" Don't mind what I say, pardner, 

I'm not much on the gush, 
But this thing comes down on me 

Like fours upon a flush. 
If that's your wife — hold — steady \ 

That bottle. Now, my coat, 
She'll think me dead as you were. 

My pipe. Thar. I'm afloat. 

" But let me leave a message. 

No; tell her that I died, 
No, no; not that way, either, 

Just tell her that I cried. 
It don't rain much. Now, pardner, 

Be to her what I've been. 
Or by the God that hates you, 

You'll see me back again!" 

F. Bret IIarte. 



CURLY-HEAD. 



What are yer askin', stranger, about that lock o' har 
That's kep' so nice and keerful in the family Bible thar? 
Wal, then, I don't mind tellin', seein' as yer wants ter know. 
It's from the head of our baby. Yes, that's him. — Stand 
up, Joe. 

Joe is our only baby, nigh on ter six foot tall ; 

And he'll be one-and-twenty comin' this next fall. 

But he can't yet beat his daddy in the hay-field or the swales, 

A-pitchin' on the wagon, or splittin' up the rails. 

For I was a famous chopper, jest eighteen year ago, 
"When this strange thing happened, that came to me and Joe. 
Curly-Jie'ad we called him then, sir- his hair is curly yet, 
But them long silky ringlets I never shall forget. 



110 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

Them was tough times, stranger, when all around was new, 
And all the kentry forests, with only "blazes" through. 
We lived in the old log-house then, Sally and me and Joe, 
In the old Black-river country, whar we made our clearin' 
show. 



Wal, one day I was choppin' nigh to our cabin door, — 
A day that I'll remember till kingdom come and more, 
And Curly-head was playin' around among the chips ; 
A beauty, if I do say it, with rosy cheeks and lips. 



I don't know how it happened; but quicker'n I can tell, 
Our Curly-head had stumbled, and lay thar whar he fell 
On the log that I was choppin', with his yellow curls out- 
spread ; 
And the heavy axe was f allin' right on his precious head ; 



The next thing, T knew nothin', and all was dark around. 
When I come to, I was lyin* stretched out thar on the 

ground ; 
And Curly-head was callin', " O daddy, don't do so 1 " 
I caught him to my bosom, my own dear little Joe. 



All safe, sir. Not a sliver had touched his little head ; 
But one of his curls was lyin' thar on the log outspread. 
It lay whar the axe was stickin', cut close by its sharpened 

edge ; 
And what then was my feelin's, per'aps, sir, you can jedge. 



I took the little ringlet, and pressed it to my lips; 

Then I kneeled down and prayed, sir, right thar on the 

chips. 
We put it in the Bible, whar I often read to Joe, — 
" The hairs of your head are numbered ; " and, sir, I believe 

it's so. 

B. S. Brooks, 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. Ill 

WARNING TO WOMAN. 

"John," said Mrs. Sanscript to her husband one evening 
last week, " I've been reading the paper." — " That's nothin'," 
grunted John : " I've seen people before who read news- 
papers." — " Yes; but there are several things in the paper 
I can't understand." — " Then don't read 'em. " — " Wha% do 
they mean by the strike, John ? What is a strike, anyhow V " 

— " A strike is where they have struck ; " and Sanscript 
knocked the ashes from his cigar. " I don 't grasp your mean- 
ing exactly," said Mrs. Sanscript, with a puzzled look. 
" Now, these strikers have stopped all the railroad-trains in 
the country. Why did they do it ? " — " To prevent 'em from 
running." — " Yes, but why didn't they want trains to run ? " 

— " Because they wanted more money for running them" 

— " Do they pay more for stopping trains than for running 
them ? " — " No, you stupid woman ! " — " Then why in the 
world did they stop 'em? why didn't they run more of 'em, or 
run 'em faster? Seems to me that would pay better." — 
" Mary Ann, you will never surround the problem." — " May- 
"be not, John. Some things are gotten up purposely to 
bother women. Now here is a column headed 'Base-Ball.' 
What is base-ball, John ? " — " Don't you know what base- 
ball is? Happy woman! you have not lived in vain " — 
"Here it says that 'The Hartfords could not collar Cura- 
ming's curves.' What under the sun are Cumming's 
curves?" — "It's the way he delivers the ball." — "Is the 
ball chained ? " — " No, you booby ! " — " Then how does he 
deliver it ? " — "I mean, pitches it." — - " Oh ! Now here it 
says Jones muffed a ball after a hard run, What was a ball 
doing after a hard run ? " — " Hadn't you better confine your 
research to the obituary and marriage columns, Mary, with 
an occasional advertisement thrown in to vary the monoto- 
ny?" — "Yes, but, John, I want to know! There's Mrs. 
Racket, over the way, who goes to all the base-ball games, 
and comes home to talk me blind about 'fly fouls,' 'base 
hits,' 'sky-scrapers,' and all those things. For heaven's 
sake, John, what is a sky-scraper?" — "Compose yourself, 
old woman. You are treading on dangerous ground ; your 
feet are on slippery rocks, while raging billows roll beneath." 

— " Mercy on me ! What do you mean ? " — "I mean, my 
dear madam, that whenever a woman begins to pry about 
among three strikes, fair balls, base hits, daisy cutters, home 



112 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

u U w'n n T kindred subjects, she's in danger of being lost." — 
Well, I confess I'm completely lost to know what this 
newspaper means when it says Addy stole a base, while 
the spectators applauded. Have we come to such a pass 
that society will applaud a theft? Why wasn't Addy ar- 
rested? Now here's Manning put out by Start, assisted by 
Carey, and I can't see that he did any thing wrong, either 
Jemima Christopher ! Here it says that Pike flew out. i 
don't believe a word of it. I never saw a man fly yet, and 
1 won't believe it can be done till I see it with my own eyes. 
John, what makes these newspaper men lie so horribly? " 

John was asleep ; and Mrs. Sanscript turned gloomily not 
to say sceptically, to the letter-list for information. News- 
papers were not made for women. 



AN EXCITING CONTEST. 

We have doubts about the following story, which comes 
to us from the interior; but the author is responsible for 
what he says, and his name can be obtained upon applica- 
tion at this office. 

Last winter two of my neighbors, Mr. Miller and Mr. 
Grant, lost their wives upon the same day ; and both of the 
funerals took place three days afterwards, the interments 
being made at the cemetery about the same hour. As the 
two funeral parties were coming out of the burying-ground, 
Miller met Grant; and, clasping each other's hand, they in- 
dulged in a sympathetic squeeze, and the following conver- 
sation ensued : — 

Miller. "I'm sorry for you. It's an unspeakable loss, 
isn't it ? " 

Grant. " Awful ! She was the best woman that ever 
lived." 

Miller. " She was, indeed. I never met her equal. She 
was a good wife to me." 

Grant. " I was referring to my wife. There couldn't be 
two best, you know." 

Miller. " Yes, I know. I know well enough that your wife 
couldn't hold a candle to mine." 

Grant. "She couldn't, hey? Couldn't hold a candle! 
Why, she could dance all round Mrs. Miller every day in the 
week, including Sundays, and not half try! She was an 
unmitigated angel, take her any way you would," 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 113 

Miller. " Oh ! she was, was she ? Well, I don't want to 
be personal ; but if I owned a cross-eyed angel with red hair 
and no teeth, and as bony as an omnibus-horse, I'd kill her 
if she didn't die of her own accord. Dance! — how could a 
woman dance that had feet like candle-boxes, and lame at 
that?" 

Grant. " Better be cross-eyed than wear the kind of a 
red nose that your wife flourished around this community. 
I bet it'll burn a hole through the coffin-lid. And you pre- 
tend you're sorry she's gone. But you can't impose on me : 
I know you're so glad you can hardly hold in. She was the 
chuckle-headedest woman that ever disgraced a graveyard : 
that's what she was." 

Miller. " If you abuse my wife, I'll knock you down." 

Grant. " I'd like to see you try it." 

Then the two disconsolate widowers engaged in a hand- 
to-hand combat ; and, after tussling a while in the snow, the 
mourners pulled them apart, just as Mr. Miller was about 
to insist upon his wife's virtues by biting off Mr. Grant's 
nose. 

When they got home, Mr. Grant tied crape upon all his 
window-shutters to show how deeply he mourned ; and, as 
Miller knew that his grief for Mrs. Miller was deeper, he 
not only decorated his shutters, but he fixed five yards of 
black bombazine on the beil-pull, and dressed his whole 
family in mourning. Then Grant determined that his duty 
to the departed was not to let himself be beaten by a man 
who couldn't feel any genuine sorrow: so he sewed a black 
flag on his lightning-rod, and festooned the front of his 
house with black alpaca. 

Then Miller became excited ; and he expressed his sense 
of bereavement by painting his dwelling black, and by put- 
ting up a monument to Mrs. Miller in his front-yard. Grant 
thereupon stained his yellow horse with lampblack, tied 
crape to his cow's horn, daubed his dog with ink, and began 
to wipe his nose on a black handkerchief. As soon as Miller 
saw these proceedings, he spread a layer of charcoal all over 
his front-yard, he assumed a black shirt, he corked the faces 
of his family when they went to church, and he hired a 
colored man to stand on his steps and cry for twelve hours 
every day. Just as Grant was about to see this, and go it 
one better, he encountered Miss Lang, a young lady from the 
city; and in a couple of weeks they were engaged. Then 
he began to take in the evidences of his grief; and this 



114 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

made Miller so mad, that he went around and proposed to 
Miss Jones, an old maid who never had an offer before. 
She accepted him on the spot ; and they were married the 
day before Grant's wedding, which so disgusted him that he 
would have given up Lang if she hadn't threatened him 
with a suit for breach of promise. There is peace between 
the two families now ; but, when Mrs. Miller gets on the 
rampage sometimes, Mr. Miller mourns for his first wife 
more than ever. 



A LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER. 

Admiring my flowers, sir ? P'raps you'd step inside the 
gate, and walk round my little place ? It ain't big, but 
there's plenty of variety, — violets and cabbages, roses and 
artichokes. Any one that didn't care for flowers 'ud be sure 
to find beauty in them young spring onions. People's ideas 
differ very much, there ain't a doubt of it. One man's very 
happy over a glass of whiskey and water, and another thinks 
every thing 'ud go straight in this 'ere world if we all drank 
tea and lemonade. And it's right enough: it keeps things 
even. We should have the world a very one-sided affair if 
everybody pulled the same way. Philosopher, am I ? Well, 
I dunno. I've got a theory to be sure— every one has now- 
adays ; and mine is, that there is a joke to be found in every 
mortal thing if only we look in the right place for it. But 
some people don't know how to look for it. Why, sir, if 
you'll believe it, I was talking to a man yesterday that 
couldn't see any thing to laugh at in the naval demonstra- 
tion. 

Am I independent ? Well, I makes money by my fruit 
and vegetables, if that's what you mean. But there's so 
many ways of being independent. One man marries a 
woman with £20,000 a year, and calls that independence. 
Another votes on the strongest side, and calls that being in- 
dependent. One takes up every new-fangled idea that 
comes out, and says he's independent. Some calls impu- 
dence independence. There's not a name as fits so many 
different articles. No! I've never bin married. Somehow, I 
don't think married men see the fun in every thing same as 
single ones. I don't mean to be disrespectful to the ladies, 
but I do think they enjoy a good cry more than a good 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 115 

laugh. Was T ever in love? and did I laugh then? Why, 
yes, never laughed heartier in my life. It's a good many 
years ago now. I was living in lodgings down Clerkenwell 
way, and the landlady's daughter was as pretty a creature as 
ever you see, bright and cheery, like a robin, when first I 
knew her. But, by and by, she grew pale and peaky, — used 
to go about the house without singing, and had such big, 
sad-looking eyes. Her home wasn't a particularly happy 
one, for her mother was a nagger. Perhaps you've never 
come across a woman of that pertikler character. Well, 
then, you should say double the prayers of ordinary people; 
for you've much to be thankful for. I never looked at her 
without feeling that her husband must have been very 
happy indeed when he got to heaven. I sometimes think, 
sir, that women of this sort might be made use of, and 
prisons, and all other kind of punishment, done away with: 
perhaps, though, the lunatic asylums 'ud get too full. 

Well, I grew to be quite intimate with Bessie ; and one 
evening, I don't know how it was, she told me all her trou- 
bles. She was engaged to a young man ; and her mother 
wouldn't consent to them marrying, and was always worry- 
ing her to break it off. I asked her if there were any thing 
against him. Nothing, except that her mother had taken a 
dislike to him : he wasn't very strong, but he was the best, 
cleverest, dearest fellow that ever lived. All the time she 
was talking I felt a gnawing sort of pain somewhere in my 
inside. First, I thought I must be hungry ; but, when I came 
to eat, all my food seemed to get in my throat, and stick 
there. This won't do, old fellow, thinks I : there must be 
a joke to be got out of it somewhere. So I set to consider; 
and there, clear enough, it was. Why, the joke 'ud be to let 
Bessie marry her young man, and see the pretty cheeks grow 
round and pink again. But how to do it, there was the rub. 
I began to cultivate the old lady's society with a view to 
finding out her weak point : for, being a woman, of course 
she had a weak point ; and, being a very ugly woman, what 
do you think it was? Why, vanity, to be sure. I soon no- 
ticed a change in her. She took her hair out of paper every 
day, instead of only on Sundays, as she had been used to do ; 
and she put on a clean cap sometimes, and smirked whenever 
I passed her. Why, here's a bigger joke than I bargained 
for, thinks I ! While I've been studying the woman to find 
out her weak point, she thinks I've been admiring her. But 



116 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

I soon saw what use I could make of this. I went down 
into the kitchen when she wasn't busy, — I knew it would be 
rather too hot other times, — and I got talking about Bessie. 
"It's strange," I says, "that a fine-looking girl like that 
shouldn't have a sweetheart. Things was different when 
you was younger, I'll be bound." 

" As for that," says she, " Bessie has a sweetheart ; but 
I don't approve of him. He's not exactly the sort of man I 
expected for her." 

" But, lor'," I says, " you wouldn't go and keep that girl 
single ! Think what harm you may do yourself. You can't 
be so cruel as to give up all idea of marrying agin ! Why, 
you don't look forty." That wasn't an untruth, for she 
looked fifty. She tossed her head, and told me to go along. 
I didn't go along. I says, " There's no doubt lots of young 
fellows 'ud be glad enough of a good-looking wife like you, 
but mightn't care for a daughter as old as Miss Bessie." 
This seemed to strike her very much. I followed it up, got 
talking to her day after day, and always led the conversation 
to the same point. At last one day when I came home 
from work, she says, " It's all settled. Bessie's going to be 
married, and her Tom's coming here this evening." Then I 
went up to my own room, and laughed till I cried. Pres- 
ently I heard the little girl run up-stairs as she hadn't run 
for many a long day, and I knew she'd gone to put on a 
smart ribbon for Tom's sake. She tapped at my door as 
she passed. Would I come down? somebody was there, 
and wanted to know me. I called out that I was busy, and 
couldn't come ; and she went away. But after about an hour 
she came again. I was sitting in the dark, thinking of a 
good many things ; and before I had time to speak she was 
down on her knees beside me, and hiding her face. 

" You told me you were busy," she said ; " and here you 
are all in the dark and cold, and I can't bear any one to be 
dull or lonely to-night, because I'm so very, very happy. 
And I know it's all through you. Mother would never have 
given in of her own accord. You've always been my friend 
when I wanted one very badly ; and now you must be angry 
with me, or you wouldn't stay away to-night. And you 
won't even speak to me. Oh, whatever I've done to vex 
you, don't think of it any more ! " 

She nestled up to me so close that her hair touched my 
coat-sleeve, and her pretty eyes looked up all swimming 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 117 

with tears. I ground my teeth, and clinched my hands, or — 
or I don't know what I mightn't ha' done. Yon see the joke 
of this, sir, don't you? Here was the girl crying, and asking 
me to forgive her, and like her a little ; and there was I — not 
disliking her a bit all the time. Ha, ha, ha! I had a hearty 
laugh at her, and hurried with her down-stairs, and was in- 
troduced to Tom, and I talked to the old lady, and drank the 
young people's health, and was as happy as possible. And 
on the wedding-day I gave her away as if I had been her 
father; and I sang a song and danced : and, when the time 
came for Bessie to go away with her husband, I dried her 
eyes ; for at the last moment the tender-hearted little thing 
broke down, and cried, and kissed us all, and asked her 
mother not to feel angry with her for leaving her all alone ; 
and then the mother cried, and what with having so many 
eyes to wipe, I found myself wiping my own just as if it all 
weren't a tremendous joke. 

How have they got on since ? 'Bout as well as most peo- 
ple, I suppose : she loves him, and takes care of him. And 
the mother's softened down a bit since she's bin a grand- 
mother. And as to my godson, there never was such a boy. 
I have him with me as much as possible, and he's beginning 
to see the joke of every thing almost as much as I do myself. 
And when I die, all this little place'll belong to him, and 
he'll be a rich man : so my death'll be the biggest joke of all, 
you see, sir. 



IN DER SHWEED LONG AGO. 

» 

In der shweed long ago I dinked I vas shmard, 

Und I dinked I did vant me a vife 
To share all my money und sorrows und joys, 

Und to helb me along drough my life. 
I vanted a lady kind-hearted und goot, 

Dot vas handsome und sensiple doo, 
Dot cood blay der biano or cook a beefshdeak, 

Darn my shdockings or made me a shdew. 

She must nod be doo shmall-seized or neider doo dall, 

Und she musn'd be old or doo young, 
Und ven I vas shboking had visdom enuff 

To alwoys kebd quied her tongue. 



118 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

She musd nod be doo dark or agin be doo lighd — 

A kinder bedwixed und bedween ; 
She musd nod knew doo leedle, or vorse, knew it all, 

Or be vat some beebles call " creen." 

She musd be good-nadured, vear always a shmile, 

No madder of dings did vent wrong ; 
Ven my friends came around for to make me a call, 

Be ready to sung dem a song. 
Of der lodge bisness habben'd to kebd me oud lade, 

Und I come valdzing home " dighdly-shlighd," 
She musd pet und caress me, und dank her good shdars 

Dot 1 didn'd shdaid apsend all nighd. 

In a vord, be berfecd — mind, feature, und form — 

From her feet to der crown of her head. 
Now, dot vas der damsel dot I had in view, 

Und der von I vas villing to ved. 
Dot's a long dime ago, and my head dot vas paid, 

And I vas a pachelor shdill. 
My gal, I hafe nefer saw shkibbing round loose — 

Vat's more, I don'd dink dot I vill. 

OOFTY GOOFT. 



DOT STUPPORN PONY. 

I growt so ferry heffy 

Dot too much de walkin* pe, 
So I pyed me of von pony ; 

But dot pettier he sheat me. 
Bote eyes of him was limpy, 

Bote leeks of him vas plint ; 
But dot vot prake of me mine heart 

Dot pony vas oonkint. 

He keeck shust like a chackess, 
Oop, town, pefore, pehint; 

Und how to cure dot pony 
I rollt oop in my mint. 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 119 

Dot sympathee vas nonsense, 

Shust efery dinks he preak ; 
Vhen s iitton coomt von grant itee, 

I tole you how I make : 

I keetch him mit de shatters, 

But — outsite in instet — 
His het oop py dot vagon, 

His dail vere vos his het. 
Den — one, doo, tree — I schlag him. 

Ach, himmel ! how he keeck ! 
But vhen he fints he noddings stroock, 

He stop dot pooty queeck. 

Den looks he oop aschtountet, 

Oxcited pooty pat ; 
Den sutten makes he backvarts, 

Like as of he vas mat. 
I laugh as I vas tying 

Vhen I see him go dat vay ; 
Den on his haunch he stoomples town, 

As he vas going to bray. 

How schamt he look, vateffer ! 

I tole him vat I dinks ; 
Doo dears drop oud his eyepalls, 

Mit grief his dail he vinks. 
Arount all right I toorn him, 

His het pefore him now, 

Und streecks ! — he trives as goot und kind 

As he vas peen my f rau ! 

Harry Woodson. 



SPOOPENDYKE OPENING OYSTERS. 

"My dear," queried Mr. Spoopendyke, "did you put those 
oysters on the cellar floor with the round shells down, as I 
told you to ? " 

" I did most of 'em," replied Mrs. Spoopendy^ke. " Some 
of 'em wouldn't stay that way. They turned right over." 



120 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

"Must have been extraordinary intelligent oysters," 
murmured Mr. Spoopendyke, eying her with suspicion. 
"Didn't any of 'em stand up on end, and ask for the 
morning paper, did they ? " 

"You know what I mean," fluttered Mrs. Spoopendyke. 
" They tipped over sideways, and so I laid them on the flat 
shell." 

"That's right," grunted Mr. Spoopendyke. "You want 
to give an oyster his own way, or you'll hurt his feelings. 
Suppose you bring up some of those gifted oysters, and an 
oyster-knife, and we'll eat 'em." 

Mrs. Spoopendyke hurried away, and pattered back with 
the feast duly set out on a tea-waiter, which she placed 
before Mr. Spoopendyke with a flourish. 

" Now," said she, drawing up her sewing-chair, and rest- 
ing her elbows on her knees, and her chin on her hands, 
"when you get all you want, you may open me some." 

Mr. Spoopendyke whirled the knife around his head, and 
brought it down with a sharp crack. Then he clipped away 
at the end a moment, and jabbed at what he supposed was 
the opening. The kuife slipped, and ploughed the bark off 
his thumb. 

" Won't come open, won't ye ? " he shouted, fetching it 
another lick, and jabbing away again. "Haven't com- 
pleted your census of who's out here working at ye, have 
ye? " and he brought it another whack. " P'rhaps ye think 
I haven't fully made up my mind to inquire within, don't 
ye? " and he rammed the point of the knife at it, knocking 
the skin off his knuckles. 

" That isn't the way to open an oyster," suggested Mrs. 
Spoopendyke. 

" Look here," roared Mr. Spoopendyke, turning fiercely on 
his wife. " Have you got any private understanding with 
this oyster ? Has the oyster confided in you the particular 
way in which he wants to be opened? " 

"No-o!" stammered Mrs. Spoopendyke. "Only I 
thought" — 

" This is no time for thought ! " shouted Mr. Spoopen- 
dyke, banging away at the edge of the shell. " This is the 
moment for battle ; and if I've happened to catch this oyster 
during office hours, he's going to enter into relations with 
the undersigned. Come out, will ye?" he yelled, as the 
knife flew up his sleeve. "Maybe ye don't recognize the 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 121 

voice of Spoopendyke. Come out, ye measly coward, before 
ye make an enemy of me for life ! " and he belted away at 
the shell with the handle of the knife, and spattered mud 
like a dredging-machine. 

" Let me get you a hammer to crack him with," recom- 
mended Mrs. Spoopendyke, hovering over her husband in 
great perturbation. 

"Don't want any hammer," howled Mr. Spoopendyke, 
slamming around with his knife. " S'pose I'm going to use 
brute force on a measly fish that I could swallow alive if I 
could only get him out of his house? Open your measly 
premises ! " raved Mr. Spoopendyke, stabbing at the oyster 
vindictively, and slicing his shirt-sleeve clear to the elbow. 
" Come forth, and enjoy the society of Spoopendyke ! " And 
the worthy gentleman foamed at the mouth, and he sunk 
back in his chair, and contemplated his stubborn foe with 
glaring eyes. 

"I'll tell you what to do," exclaimed Mrs. Spoopendyke, 
radiant with a profound idea. " Crack him in the door." 

"That's the scheme," grinned Mr. Spoopendyke, with 
horrible contortions of visage. "Fetch me the door. Set 
that door right before me on a plate. This oyster is going 
to stay here. If you think this oyster is going to enjoy any 
change of climate until he strikes the tropics of Spoopen- 
dyke, you don't know the domestic habits of shell-fish. 
Loose your hold ! " squealed Mr. Spoopendyke, returning to 
the charge, and fetching the bivalve a prodigious whack. 
" Come into the outer world, where all is gay and beautiful. 
Come out, and let me introduce you to my wife." And Mr. 
Spoopendyke laid the oyster on the arm of his chair, and 
slugged him remorselessly. 

" 'Wait," squealed Mrs. Spoopendyke : " here's one with his 
mouth open," and she pointed cautiously at a gaping oyster, 
who had evidently taken down the shutters to see what the 
row was about. 

" Don't care a measly nickel with a hole in it," protested 
Mr. Spoopendyke, thoroughly impatient. " Here's one 
that's going to open his mouth, or the resurrection will find 
him still wrestling with the ostensible head of this family. 
Ow ! " and Mr. Spoopendyke, having rammed the knife into 
the palm of his hand, slammed the oyster against the 
chimney-piece, where it was shattered, and danced around 
the room wriggling with wrath and agony. 



122 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

" Never mind the oysters, dear," cried Mrs. Spoopendyke, 
following him around, and trying to disengage his wounded 
^and from his armpit. 

" Who's minding 'em? " roared Mr. Spoopendyke, stand- 
ing on one leg, and bending up double. " I tell ye that 
-vhen I start to iuflict discipline on a narrow-minded oyster 
*hat won't either accept an invitation or send regrets, he's 
going to mind me ! Where's the oyster ? Show me the 
oyster ! Arraign the oyster ! " 

" Upon my word, you've opened him," giggled Mrs. Spoop- 
endyke, picking up the smashed bivalve between the tips 
of her thumb and forefinger. 

"Won't have him," sniffed Mr. Spoopendyke, eying the 
broken shell, and firing his defeated enemy into the grate. 
" If I can't go in the front-door of an oyster, I'm not going 
down the scuttle. That all comes of laying 'em on the flat 
shell," he continued, suddenly recollecting that his wife was 
to blame for the whole business. " Now you take the rest 
of 'em down, and lay 'em as I told you to." 

"Yes, dear." 

" And another time you want any oysters, you sit around 
in the cellar, and when they open their mouths you put 
sticks in. You hear? " 

"Yes, dear." 

And Mrs. Spoopendyke took the bivalves back, resolving 
that the next time they were in demand they would crawl 
out of their shells, and walk up-stairs arm in arm, before 
she would have any hand in the mutilation of her poor, dear, 
suffering husband by bringing them up herself. 

Stanley Huntley. 



TO A FRIEND STUDYING GERMAN. 

Vill'st dou learn de deutsche Sprache ? 

Demi set it on your card, 
Dat all de nouns have shenders, 

Und de shenders all are hard ; 
Dere i.sh also dings called pronoms, 

Vitch it's shoost ash veil to know ; 
Boot acli ! de verbs, or tiraevords — 

Dey'll vork you bitter voe. 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 123 

VilPst dou learn de deutsche Spraclie ? 

Den you allatag moost go 
To sinfonies, sonatas, 

Or an oritorio. 
Vhen you dinks you knows 'pout musik 

More ash any oder man, 
Be sure de soul of Deutschland 

Into your soul ish ran. 



Vill'st dou learn de deutsche Sprache ? 

Dou moost eat apout a peck 
A veek of stinging sauerkraut, 

Und sefen pounds of speck, 
Mit Gott knows vot in vinegar, 

Und deuce knows vot in rum ; 
Dish ish de only cerdain way 

To make de accents coom. 



Vill'st dou learn de deutsche Sprache ? 

Brepare clein soul to shtand 
Soosh sendences ash ne'er vas heardt 

In any oder land. 
Till dou canst make parenteses 

Intwisted — ohne zahl — 
Dann wirst du erst Deutschfertig seyn ; 

For a languashe ideal. 



Vill'st don learn de deutsche Sprache? 

Dou must mitout all fear 
Trink efery tay an gallon dry 

Of foamin' Sherman beer. 
Und de more you trinks, pe certain 

More Deutsche you'll surely pe ; 
For Gambrinus is de Emperor 

Of de whole of Shermany. 

Vill'st dou learn de Deutsche Sprache ? 

Be sholly, brav, an' treu, 
For dat veller is kein Deutscher 

Who ish not a sholly poy, 



124 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

Find out vot means Gemuthliclikeit, 

Und do it mitout fail, 
In Sang und Klang dein Lebenlang, 

A brick — gans Kreuzfidel. 

Vill'st dou learn de deutsche Sprache? 

If a shendleman dou art, 
Denn shtrike right indo Deutschland 

Und get a schveetes heart, 
From Schwabenland or Sachsen, 

Vhere now dis writer pees ; 
Und de bretty girls all wachsen 

Shoost like apples on de drees. 

Boot if dou bee'st a laty, 

Denn, on de odder hand, 
Take a blonde moustachiod lofer 

In de vine green Sherman land, 
Und if you shoost kit married 

(Vood mit vood soon makes a vire), 
You'll learn to sprechen Deutsch, mein Kind, 

Ash fast as you tesire. 

Charles Godfrey Leland. 



TAMMY'S PRIZE. 

" Awa' wi' ye, Tammy man, awa' wi' ye to the schule, 
aye standin' haverin'," and the old shoemaker looked up 
through his tear-dimmed spectacles at his son, who was 
standing with his cap on and his book in his hand. 

Tammy made a move to the door. " An' is't the truth. 
Tammy? and does the maister say't himsel' V Say't ower 
again." 

The boy turned back, and stood looking on the ground. 

"Itwasna muckle he said, fayther. He just said, 'It'll 
be Tammy Rutherford that'll get the prize i' the coontin.'" 

" He said you, did he? " said the old man, as if he had 
heard it for the first time, and not for the hundredth. 

Again Tammy made a move for the door; and again the 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 125 

fond father would have called him back, had not the school- 
bell at that instant rung out loud and clear. 

" Ay, ay ! " said he to himself, after his son had gone, " a 
right likely lad, and a credit to his fayther; " and he bent 
again to the shoe he was working at, though he could 
scarcely see it for the tears that started in his eyes. 

The satisfied smile had not worn off his face when the 
figure of a stout woman appeared at the door. The shoe- 
maker took off his spectacles, and wiped them, and then 
turned to the new-comer. 

" A bra' day till ye, Mistress Knicht. An' hoo'll ye be 
keepin'?" 

" Oh ! brawly, Maister Rutherford. It's the sheen I've come 
aboot for my guidman ; the auld anes are sare crackit." 

" Aweel, mistress, the new anes'll be deen the morn. Set 
yersel' doon ; " and, complying with this invitation, she sat 
down. " An' hoo's yere Sandie gettin' on at the schule, 
Mistress Knicht ? " 

" 'Deed, noo ye speak on't, he's a sare loon ; he'll niver 
look at's lessons.". 

" He winna be ha'in' ony o' the prizes, I'm thinkin' at 
that gate." 

" Na, na ; he'll niver bother his heed aboot them. But 
he's sayin' yer Tam'll ha'e the coontin' prize." 

" Ye dinna say sae ! Weel, that is news." And he looked 
up with ill-concealed pride. " The lad was talkin' o't him- 
sel' ; but 'deed I niver thocht on't. But there's nae sayin'." 

" Aweel, guid-day to ye ; and I'll look in the morn for the 
sheen." 

" An* are they sayin' Tam'll ha'e a prize ? " continued the 
old man. 

"Ay, ay; the laddie was sayin' sae." And she went 
away. 

The shoemaker seemed to have fallen on a pleasant train 
of thought ; for he smiled away to himself, and occasionally 
picked up a boot, which he as soon let drop. Visions of 
Tammy's future greatness rose before his mind. Perhaps 
of too slight a fabric were they built ; but he saw Tamniy 
a great and honored man, and Tammy's father leaning on 
'tfiis sou's greatness. . . . 

" Presairve us a' ! it's mair nor half-six ! " (half-past five.) 
And lie started up from his revery. " Schule'll hae been 
oot an "oor, an' the laddie's no hame." And he got up, and 
moved towards the door. The sun was just sinking behind 
the horizon, and the light was dim in the village street. 



126 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

lie put up his hand to his eyes, and peered down in the 
direction of the school. 

" What in a' the world's airth's keepin'him?" he mut- 
tered; and then turning round he stumbled through the 
darkness of his workshop to the little room behind. He 
filled an antiquated kettle, and set it on the fire. Then he 
went to the cupboard, and brought out half a loaf, some 
cheese, a brown teapot, and a mysterious parcel . He placed 
these on the table, and then gravely and carefully unrolled 
thp little parcel, which turned out to be tea. 

"Presairve us, I can niver min' whaur ye put the tea, or 
hoo muckle. It's an awfu' waicht on the min' to make tea." 

His wife had died two years before ; and his little son, 
with the assistance of a kindly neighbor, had managed to 
cook their humble meals. Porridge was their chief fare; 
but a cup of tea was taken as a luxury every evening. 

" I'm jist some fear't about it. I'll waicht till Tammas 
comes in ; " and he went out again to the door to see what 
news there was of his son. 

The sun had completely disappeared now; and the village 
would have been quite dark had it not been for the light in 
the grocer's window, a few doors down. 

The shoemaker leaned against his cottage, and tried to see if 
any one were in sight ; but not a soul seemed about, although 
now and then a sound of laughter was borne up the street. 

The door of his next neighbor's house was wide open. 
He looked in, and saw a woman standing at the fire, super- 
intending some cooking operation, with her back to him. 

" Is yer Jim in, mistress ? " 

" Na," she said, without turning her head. " He'll be doon 
at some o' his plays. He's nae been in frae the schule yet." 

" It's the same wi' Tarn. Losh ! I'm wunnerin, what's 
keepin' him." 

" Keepin' him, say ye ? What wad keep a laddie ? " 

Half satisfied, the shoemaker w r ent back to his house, and 
found the kettle singing merrily on the fire. He felt a little 
anxious. The boy was always home in good time. He 
crept round again to his neighbor's. 

" I'm gettin' f eart about him," he said : " he's niver been 
sae late's this." 

"Hoot, awa' wi' ye! he'll be doon, maybe, at the bathin' 
wi' the lave, but I'll gang doon the village wi' ye, an' we'll 
soon fin' the laddie." 

She hastily put her bonnet on her head, for the night ail 
was cold, and they both stood together outside the cottage. 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 127 

He clutched her arm. What was that? Through the 
still night air, along the dark street, came the sound of 
muffled feet and hushed voices, as of those who bore a bur- 
den. With blanched face the old man tried to speak, but 
he could not. A fearful thought came upon him. . . . 

They are coming nearer. They are stopping and crowd- 
ing together, and whispering low. The two listeners crept up 
to them ; and there in the middle of the group lay Tammy 
dead — drowned. 

With a loud shriek, " Tammy, my Tammy ! " the old man 
fell down beside the body of his son. 

They carried both in together into the little room behind 
the shop, and went out quietlj, leaving one of their number 
who volunteered to stay all night. 

The shoemaker soon revived. He sat down on one side 
of the fire, and the man who watched with him sat on the 
other. The kettle was soon on the fire, and he watched its 
steam rising with a half-interested indifference. Then at 
times he would seem to remember that something had hap- 
pened; and he would creep to the side of the bed where the 
body lay, and gaze on the straight, handsome features and 
the bloodless cheeks, quiet and cold in death. "Tammy, 
my man ; my ain Tammy, speak to me ance — jist ance — • 
I'm awfu' lonesome-like." Then the watcher would lead 
him quietly to his seat by the fire; and there they sat the 
whole night long, till the stir of the outer world aroused 
them. . . . 

The school is filled with happy, pleasant faces. The 
prize day has come. There stands the minister, looking 
very important, and the schoolmaster very excited. The 
prizes are all arranged on a table before the minister, and 
the forms for the prize-winners are before the table. And 
now every thing is ready. The minister begins by telling 
the parents present how he has examined the school, and 
found the children quite up to the mark ; and then he ad- 
dresses a few words to the children, winding up his remarks 
by telling them how at school he had thought that " multi- 
plication is a vexation," &c, but that now he found the use 
of it. And then the children laughed, for they heard the 
same speech every year ; but it made the excitement greater 
when they had the prizes to look at, as they shone on the 
table in their gorgeous gilding, during the speech. And 
now the schoolmaster is going to read out the prize-winners, 



128 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

and the children are almost breathless with excitement, — 
you might have heard a pin drop, — when from the end of 
the room, a figure totters forward, the figure of an old man, 
white-headed, and with a strange, glassy look in his eye. 
He advances to where the children are sitting, and takes his 
place amongst them. Every one looks compassionately 
towards him, and women are drying their eyes with their 
aprons. The schoolmaster hesitates a moment, and looks at 
the minister. The minister nods to him, and he begins the 
list. It is with almost a saddened look that the children 
come to take their prizes, for they think of the sharp, 
bright, active playmate who was so lately with them ; and 
they gaze timidly towards his father who sits in their midst. 

" Thomas Rutherford," reads out the master, " gained the 
prize for arithmetic." 

" I'll tak' Tarn's prize for him. The laddie's na weel. 
He's awa\ I'll tak' it; " and the shoemaker moved hastily 
up to the table. 

The minister handed him the book ; and, silently taking 
it, he made his way to the door. . . . 

A quiet old man moves listlessly about the village. He 
does nothing, but every one has a kind word for him. He 
never walks towards the river, but shudders when its name 
is mentioned. He sits in his workshop often, and looks up 
expectantly when he hears the joyous shout of the boys as 
they come out of school, and then a look of pain flits across 
his face. He has one treasure, — a book, which he keeps 
along with his family Bible, and he is never tired of reading 
through his blurred spectacles the words on the first page : — 

BARNES SCHOOL. 

FIRST CLASS. 

PRIZE FOR ARITHMETIC 

AWARDED TO 
THOMAS RUTHERFORD. 



THE SCOTCHMAN AT THE PLAY. 

After paying our money at the door, never while I live 
acd breathe wili 1 forget what we saw and heard that night. 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 129 

It just looks to me, by all the world, when I think on it, like 
a fairy dream. The place was crowded to the full ; Maister 
Glen and me having nearly got our ribs dung in before we 
found a seat, the folks behind being obliged to mount the 
back benches to get a sight. Right to the forehand of us 
was a large green curtain, some five or six ells wide, a good 
deal the worse of the wear, having seen service through two- 
three summers: and just in the front of it were eight or 
ten penny candles stuck in a board fastened to the ground, 
to let us see the players' feet like, when they came on the 
stage ; and even before they came on the stage ; for, the 
curtain being scrimpit in length, we saw legs and sandals 
moving behind the scenes very neatly ; while two blind 
fiddlers they had brought with them played the bonniest ye 
ever heard. 'Od! the very music was worth a sixpence of 
itself. 

The place, as I said before, was choke-full, just to excess ; 
so that one could scarcely breathe. Indeed, I never saw any 
part so crowded, not even at a tent-preaching when the Rev. 
Mr. Roarer was giving his discourses on the building of 
Solomon's Temple. We were obligated to have the windows 
opened for a mouthful of fresh air, the barn being as close 
as a baker's oven, my neighbor and me fanning our red 
faces with our hats to keep us cool ; and, though all were 
half stew^ed, we certainly had the worst of it, the toddy we 
had taken having fermented the blood of our bodies into a 
perfect fever. 

Just at the time that the two blind fiddlers were playing 
the "Downfall of Paris " a hand-bell rang, and up goes the 
green curtain; being hauled to the ceiling, as I observed 
with the tail of my eye, by a birkie at the side, that had 
hold of a rope. So, on the music stopping, and all becom- 
ing as still as that you might have heard a pin fall, in comes 
a decent old gentleman at his leisure, well powdered, with 
an old-fashioned coat on, waistcoat with flap-pockets, brown 
breeches with buckles at the knees, and silk stockings w 7 ith 
red gushats on a blue ground. I never saw a man in such 
distress: he stamped about, and better stamped about, dad- 
ding the end of his staff on the ground, and imploring all 
the pow T ers of heaven and earth to help him to find out his 
runaway daughter, that had decamped with some ne'er-do- 
weel loon of a half-pay captain, that keppit her in his arms 
from her bedrooin-window, up two pair of stairs. 



130 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

Every father and head of a family must have felt for a 
man in his situation, thus to be robbed of his dear bairn, 
and an only daughter too, as he told us over and over again, 
as the salt, salt tears ran gushing down his withered face, 
and he aye blew his nose on his clean calendered pocket- 
napkin. But, ye know, the thing was absurd to suppose 
that we should know any inkling about the matter, having 
never seen him or his daughter between the een before, and 
not kenning them by head mark: so, though we sympathized 
with him, as folks ought to do with a fellow-creature in 
affliction, we thought it best to hold our tongues, to see 
what might cast up better than he expected. So out he went 
stumping at the other side, determined, he said, to find them 
out, though he should follow them to the world's end, 
Johnny Groat's house, or something to that effect. 

Hardly was his back turned, and almost before ye could 
cry Jack Ho hi son, in comes the birkie and the very young 
lady the old gentleman described, arm-and-arm together, 
smoodging and laughing like daft. Dog on it ! it was a 
shameless piece of business. As true as death, before all 
the crowd of folk, he put his arm round her waist, and 
called her his sweetheart, and love, and dearie, and darling, 
and every thing that is fine. If they had been courting in a 
close together on a Friday night, they could not have said 
more to one another, or gone greater lengths. 1 thought 
such shame to be an eye-witness to sic on-goings, that I was 
obliged at last to hold up my hat before my face, and look 
down; though, for ail that, the young lad, to be such a 
blackguard as his conduct showed, was well enough faured, 
and had a good coat to his back, with double gilt buttons 
and fashionable lapels, to say little of a very well-made 
pair of buckskins, a thought the worse of the wear, to be 
sure, but which, if they had been well cleaned, would have 
looked almost as good as new. How they had come we 
never could learn, as we neither saw chaise nor gig; but, 
from his having spurs on his boots, it is more than likely 
that they had lighted at the back-door of the barn from a 
horse, she riding on a pad behind him, maybe, with her 
hand round his waist. 

The father looked to be a rich old bool, both from his 
manner of speaking, and the rewards he seemed to offer 
for the apprehension of his daughter ; but, to be sure, when 
so many of us were present that had an equal right to the 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 131 

spuilaie, it would not be a great deal, a thousand pounds, when 
divided. Still it was worth the looking after: so we just 
bidit a wee. 

Things were brought to a bearing, howsoever, sooner than 
either themselves, I dare say, or anybody else present, seemed 
to have the least glimpse of: for, just in the middle of their 
fine goings-on, the sound of a coming foot was heard ; and 
the lassie, taking guilt to her, cried out, " Hide me, hide 
me, for the sake of goodness! for yonder comes my old 
father! " 

No sooner said than done. In he stappit her into a closet ; 
and, after shutting the door on her, he sat down upon a 
chair, pretending to be asleep, in the twinkling of a walking- 
stick. The old father came bouncing in: and. seeing the 
fellow as sound as a top, he ran forward and gave him such 
a shake as if he would have shooken him all sundry; which 
soon made him open his eyes as fast as he had steeked 
them. After blackguarding the chield at no allowance, 
cursing him up hill and down dale, and calling him by 
every name but a gentleman, he held his staff over his 
crown, and, gripping him by the cuff of the neck, asked him, 
in a fierce tone, what he had made of his daughter. Never 
since I was born did I ever see such brazen-faced impudence 1 
The rascal had the brass to say at once, that he had not 
seen word or wittens of the lassie for a month, though more 
than a hundred folk sitting in his company had beheld him 
dauting her with his arm round her jimpy waist not five 
minutes before. As a man, as a father, as an elder of our 
kirk, my corruption was raised ; for 1 aye hated lying as a 
poor cowardly sin, and an inbreak on the Ten Command- 
ments ; and I found my neighbor, Mr. Glen, fidgeting on 
the seat as w 7 ell as me. So I thought that whoever spoke 
first would have the best right to be entitled to the reward : 
whereupon, just as he was in the act of rising up, I took the 
word out of his mouth, saying, " Dinna believe him, auld 
gentleman ; dinna believe him, friend : he's telling a par- 
cel of lees. Never saw her for a month ! It 's no worth 
arguing, or calling witnesses : just open that press-door, and 
ye'll see whether I 'm speaking truth or not ! " 

The old man stared, and looked dumfoundered ; and the 
young one, instead of running forward with his double 
nieves to strike me, the only thing I was feared for, began 
a-laughing, as if 1 had done him a good turn. But never 



132 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

since I had a being did I ever witness such an uproar and 
noise as immediately took place. The whole house was so 
glad that the scoundrel had been exposed, that they set up 
siccan a roar of laughter, and thumped away at siccan a 
rate at the boards with their feet, that at long and last, with 
pushing and fidgeting, clapping their hands, and holding 
their sides, down fell the place they call the gallery, all the 
folk in't being hurled topsy-turvy, headforemost, among the 
sawdust on the floor below; their guffawing soon being 
turned to howling, each one crying louder than another at 
the top note of their voices, " Murder! murder! hold off me! 
murder! my ribs are in ! murder! I'm killed! I 'm speech- 
less! " and other lamentations to that effect : so that a rush 
to the door took place, in the which every thing was over- 
turned ; the door-keeper being wheeled away like wild- 
fire ; the furms stramped to pieces; the lights knocked out; 
and the two blind fiddlers dung headforemost over the 
stage, the bass-fiddle cracking like thunder at every bruise. 
Such tearing and swearing, and tumbling and squealing, 
was never witnessed in the memory of man since the build- 
ing of Babel ; legs being likely to be broken, sides staved in, 
eyes knocked out, and lives lost, — there being only one door, 
and that a small one : so that, when we had been earned off 
our feet that length, my wind was fairly gone ; and a sick 
dwalm came over me, lights of all manner of colors, red, 
blue, green, and orange, dancing before me, that entirely 
deprived me of common sense ; till, on opening my eyes in 
the dark, I found myself leaning with my broadside against 
the wall on the opposite side of the close. It was some 
time before I minded what had happened : so, dreading 
skaith, I found first the one arm, and then the other, to see 
if they were broken ; syne my head ; and finally both of my 
legs; but all, as well as I could discover, was skin-whole and 
scart-free. On perceiving this, my joy was without bounds, 
having a great notion that I had been killed on the spot. 
So I reached round my hand very thankfully to take out 
my pocket-napkin, to give my brow a wipe, w r hen, lo and 
behold ! the tail of my Sunday's coat was fairly off and 
away, docked by the hainch buttons. 

So much for plays and play-actors, — the first and last, I 
trust iu grace, that 1 shall ever see. But indeed I could ex* 
pect no better, after the warning that Maister Wiggi* 3 had 
more than once given us from the pulpit on the subject. 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 133 

Instead, therefore, of getting- my grand reward for finding 
the old man's daughter, the whole covey of them, no better 
than a set of swindlers, took leg-bail, and made that very 
night a moonlight flitting; and Johnny Hammer, honest 
man, that had wrought from sunrise to sunset for two days, 
fitting up their place by contract, instead of being well paid 
for his trouble, as he deserved, got nothing left him but a 
ruckle of his own good deals, all dung to shivers. 



AN IRISH LOVE-LETTER. 

A SCENE FROM GEORGE M. BAKER'S NEW PLAY (FOR FE- 
MALE CHARACTERS ONLY) IN THREE ACTS, ENTITLED 
"REBECCA'S TRIUMPH." 

Characters: Katy, an Irish servant, Gyp, a colored girl; 
Dora, a young lady. 

(Enter Katy, with a letter in her hand.) 
Katy (turning letter over and over). An' sure I got a 
love-lether f rum Patsy ; an' phat will I do wid it I dunno. 
■I can't rade, and the misthress is away wid the company 
girls. How will I find out phat's inside it ? It's bothered 
I am intirely. 

(Enter from L., through c door, Dora.) 

Dora. Ah, Katy! Is it ther yees are? Where's Mrs. 
Delaine's shawl ? I see it. (Goes towards window r ) 

Katy. If yees plase, Miss Dora, might I be after trou- 
bling yees? 

Dora (comes down). Certainly, Katy. What's the 
trouble? 

Katy. If yees plase, I have a lether. 

Dora. From the ould counthry ? 

Katy. No, indade : it's from — it's from — sure you'll be 
afther laughin' if I tole yees. 

Dora. Then you needn't tell me, Katy: I can guess. 
It's a love-letter. 

Katy. An' who to wid yees that? 



134 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

Dora. Yourself, Katy, by the blushes on your cheeks 
and the sparkle in your eyes. You want me to read it for 
you? 

Katy. If yees plase, Miss Dora. (Hands letter.) 

Dora (opening letter). I shall learn all your secrets, 
Katy. Perhaps the young man would not like that. 

Katy. Thin yees moight shkip the sacrets. 

Dora (laughs). All right, Katy. (Reads.) "Lovely 
Katy." 

Katy. That's me. Sure that's no sacret. 

Dora (reads). "I take me pin in hand wid a bating 
heart, to till yees uv the sthrong wakeniss I have for yees." 

Katy. Yees moight shkip that. 

Dora (reads). "I have nather ate, dhrunk, nor slipt, 
for a wake." 

Katy. Will, that jist accounts for the wakeniss. 

Dora (reads). "Barrin' my thray males a day, an' me 
pipe an' tobacyer." 

Katy. An' he wid the hearty appetite ! 

Dora (reads). "An' all me slapeliss nights are fill wid 
drames of yees, Katy mavourneen." 

Katy. Sure he's the darlin '. 

Dora (reads). "I have yees phortygraff nailed to the 
hid uv me bid; and ivery night, afther I've blown out the 
candle wid me fingers, I tak a good look at it, an' if yell 
belave me, there's not a dry thread in me eyes." 

Katy. Sure he was alwus tinder-hearted. 

Dora (reads). " If yees don't belave me, tak a good look 
at yees own face before yees open the lether, and see if I 
have not cause to wape." 

Katy. Sure I ought to have known that before the 
lether came. 

Dora (reads). "If yees foind these tinder loins blotted 
wid tears, it's all owing to the bad quality uv the ink, which 
has compilled me to pin this wid a pincil." 

Katy. That's no mather. 

Dora (r^ads). "If yees don't recave this lether, or can't 
rade it, niver moind : ye'll know that all that's in it is the 
truth, an' nades nather radin' or writin' to till the same. 
So name the day, Katy darlin', whin me single blissidniss is 
to exphire, an' the mathrimoonial noose shlipped over the 
hid of yees lovin' and consolin' Patsy Dolan. 

" P.S. — These last lines are the poethry uv love. 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 135 

" Second P. S. — To be rid f hirst. I inclose a ring for 
yees finger, which same yees will find in me nixt lether." 
That's all, Katy. {Hands back letter.) 

Katy. It's jist illigant. I'm obleeged to yees. 

Dora {takes shawl from chair). Quite welcome, Katy. 
When you get ready to name the day, I'll answer it for you. 
But be quick, Katy ; for the poor fellow will not live long 
on "only his thray males a day, an' his pipe an' tobacyer." 
{Runs off c. to L.) 

Katy (looks at letter). Sure it's a darlin' lether, an' 
Patsy Dolan's a broth uv a bye. 

Enter r., Gyp. 

Gyp. Ah, dar you is, Katy ! Whar's de misses ? Whar's 
Miss Becky ? Whar's eberybody ? 

Katy. In the garden, sure. Yees may coom in, if yees 
wipe yers fate. 

Gyp. Yas, indeed ! How yer was ? And how's Patsy 
Dolan ? 

Katy. He's will. I've jist recaved a lether from him. 

Gyp. Dat so ? Dat's good ! Lub-letters am bery con- 
solin' to de flutterin' heart. Got a letter, hab you? S'poso 
you red it f rough and trough. 

Katy. Sure I can't rade at all, at all. 

Gyp. Dat so? Well, well ! De ignoramance ob de 
foreign poperlation am distressin'. 

Katy. Can you rade ? 

Gyp. Read ? What you take me for ? How else could 
I debour de heaps and heaps ob lub-letters dat I constantly 
receibe from my adorers V 

Katy (aside). Faith, I'd loike to hear Patsy's lether 
again. {Aloud.) Thin plase rade this for me. (Hands 
letter.) 

Gyp (confused). Wh-wh-what you take me fur ? (Aside.) 
Golly ! she cotch me den. (Aloud.) No, chile : dose tender 
confections am fur you alone, and dey shouldn't be com- 
posed to de world. 

Katy. An' sure yees can't rade. 

Gyp. What's that V Can't read ? (Takes letter, and turns 
it round several times.) Berry long letter. Want to hear it 
all? 

Katy. Ivery word. . 

Gyp (aside). Mussu't gib in. Spec dase all alike. 



136 MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

(Aloud.) Ob course, ob course. {Pretends to read.") "Lab- 
liest ob your sexes." 

Katy. Sure that's not there. 

Gyp (shows letter). See fur yerself, see fur yerself. 

Katy. Go on wid the lether. 

Gyp. " Sublimest ob de fair sexes, dis am a wfeale 
ob tears. Dar ain't no sunshine of moonshine widout 
you." 

Katy. That's not thrue at all, at all. 

Gyp (shows letter). Read it yerself, read yerself. 

Katy. Go on wid the lether. 

Gyp. " De moon on de lake am beamin', de lubly sun- 
flower perfumeries in de garden, de tuneful frogs melifer- 
ously warble in de riber, an' de breezes blow fro' de treeses; 
but my lub, my lub, whar, oh, whar am she ? " 

Katy. I don't belave — 

Gyp (as before). See fur yerself, see fur yerself! 

Katy. Oh, quit yees talkin' an' talkin'. Go on wid the 
lether. 

Gyp. " My lub she isn't hansum, 
My lub she isn't fair; 
But to cook de beef and 'taters 
Can't beat her any whar." 

Dat's potry, Katy, dat is ; alwus find lots ob dat in Inb* 

letters : it gibs dem a fiabor. 

Katy. I don't belave it's there. 

Gyp (as before). See fur yerself, see fur yerself I 

Katy. Go on wid the lether. 

Gyp. Luf me see, wha was I? " Come rest on dis yere 
head your aching breast." Dey all got dat, Katy, an' — ma* 
(aside), well, I'se jest puzzled fur more: guess we'll hab 
some more poetry (aloud) an' — an' — 

" We'll dance all night till broad daylight, 
An' go home with de girls in de morning." 

Katy. It's no such thing ! Yer desavin' me, so yees are ! 
Me Patsy wouldn't go home wid the girls at all, at all. 

Gyp. See fur yerself, see fur yerself I 

Katy (snatching letter). So I will. It's false and desate- 
ful yees are, for Miss Dora rid the lether, an' — an' — it 
was jist illegantj so it was -an' it's yersilf. — bad luck to the 



MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. 137 

loikes ov yees, whin yees can't rade ! an' it's the blissid 
troth I'm tillin', — invintin' a bit uv blarney to make trou- 
ble betwane a poor girl an' her Patsy. Away wid yees ! 

[Exit door r. 
Gyp. Well, I guess she fooled me dat time. No use. 
Dar's alwus trubble interferin' in lub affairs, jest like 
domestic affairs : when man and wife am fighting, ef you 
try to be a messenger ob peace, ef you don't look out, you'll 
git de broomstick onto yer own head. {Exit. 



YANKEE DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

Edited by GEORGE M. BAKER. 

BO AMDS 50 CENTS PAYER 30 CENTS. 

LEE & SHEPARD, Publishers, Boston. 



CONTENTS. 

' PAGE 

Goin' Somewhere M. Quod 5 

Old Farmer Grey Gets Photographed, John H. Yates ... 8 
Speech of the Hon. Perverse Peabody 

on the Acquisition of Cuba 10 

Widder Green's Last Words 13 

Widow Stebbins on Homoeopathy . C. F. Adams .... 14 

Farmer Bent's Sheep- Washing 16 

The Little Peach 17 

Mr. Pickwick's Romantic Adventure 

with a Middle-aged Lady in Yellow 

Curl-Papers Dickens 18 

Goin' Home To-day W. M. Carleton ... 24 

Jakie on Watermelon Pickle 25 

Putty and Varnish Josh Billings .... 26 

London Zoological Gardens 28 

Aurelia's Unfortunate Young Man . Mark Tioain .... 29 

The Old Ways and the New .... John H. Yates ... 31 

The Bumpkin's Courtship 33 

The Ballad of the Oysterman . . . Oliver Wendell Holmes 35 

The Deck Hand and the Mule .36 

A Lay of Real Life Thomas Hood ... 37 

Middlerib's Rheumatic Cure . . . . R. J. Burdette ... 39 

Two Fishers Harper's Weekly . . 43 

Jim Wolfe and the Cats Mark Tioain .... 44 

Mr. Stiver's Horse J. M. Bailey .... 46 

Mosquitoes Kaleb Keating ... 50 

The City Man and the Setting Hen 51 

The Owl Critic James T. Fields . . . 53 

The Man with a Cold in His Head 54 

Forcible Entry J. M. Bailey .... 5 

The Village Sewing Society 57 

Yankee Courtship 59 

The Patter of the Shingle 63 

The Paper Don't Say 64 

The Jonesville Singiu' Quire. . . #. Betsey Babbitt ... 65 

The Knife-Grinder George Canning . . 61) 

Malaria 70 



YANKEE DIALECT RECITATIONS. 



The Story of the Bad Little Boy who 

Didn't Come to Grief Mark Twain .... 72 

Mr. Caudle and His Second Wife . . Douglas Jen-old . . . 75 

Mollie or Sadie 78 

The Baffled Book Agent 79 

She Would Be a Mason James C Leighton . . 80 

The Loves of Lucinda Mark Melville . . . 83 

Something Split 87 

From the Sublime to the Ridiculous 88 

A Howl in Rome Bill Nye 89 

Butterwick's Weakness 93 

The Old Man Goes to Town . . . . J. G. Swinnerton . . 95 

Mr. Watkins Celebrates Detroit Press .... 98 

The Squire's Story John Photnix ... 99 

The Conversion of Colonel Quagg. . George Augustus Sala, 100 

In the Surf " 105 

Variegated Dogs Peck 107 

Judge Pitman's Watch Max Adeler . . . .110 

An ^Esthetic Housekeeper Ill 

" Mebbe " Joe's True Fish Story . 112 

Aunt Sophronia Tabor at the Opera ,114 

The Village Choir . Andre' s Journal . . 117 

The Light From Over the Range 118 

The Christening E. T. Corbett .... 121 

Mr. Covill Proves Mathematics . . . J. M. Bailey .... 123 

Mary's Lamb on a New Principle 124 

Address of Spottycus 125 

Our Visitor, and What He Came For 128 

In the Catacombs . H. II. Ballard . . . loO 

The Showman's Courtship . . .' . A. Ward 132 

Clerical Wit 134 

Greely's Ride Mark Twain .... 135 

No Yearning for the Beautiful . . . Max Adeler .... 138 
A Very Naughty Little Girl's View of 

Life 141 

Burdock's Goat 142 

Awfully Lovely Philosophy 145 

Aunt Parsons' Story Presbyterian Journal . 140 

The National Game 151 

A Disturbance in Church Max Adeler .... 153 

The Engineer's Story Eugene J. Hall . . . 155 

The Judge's Search for a AVaterfall . Harper's Magazine . . 150 

The Railroad Crossing 158 

Asking the Gov'nor 15i> 

Intensely Utter Albany Chronicle . . 1<>2 

The Way Astovs Are Made . . . . J. M. Bailey .... Ki4 
A Mysterious Disappearance .... Dickens 100 



THE GRAND ARMY SPEAKER. 

Edited by GEORGE M. BAKER. 

BOARDS 50 CENTS JPAPEM 30 CENTS. 

LEE & SHEPARD, Publishers, Boston. 



CONTENTS. 

PAGB 

The Rescue John Brownjohn .... 5 

Decoration T. W. Higginson .... 8 

The Little Black-eyed Rebel . . Will Carleton 9 

The Palmetto and the Pine . . Mrs. Virginia L. French . . 11 

Battle Hymn Korner 13 

The Song of the Dying 14 

By the Alma River Miss Mirfock 15 

At the Soldiers' Graves . . . Robert Collyer 17 

The Sergeant of the Fiftieth 18 

The Minute-men of '75 . . . . George William Curtis . . 19 

Blue and Gray 21 

Cnster's Last Charge .... Frederick Whittaker ... 23 

The Pride of Battery B . . . F. H. Gassaway .... 25 

The Cavalry Charge F. A. Durivage 27 

The Last Redoubt 28 

Kelly's Ferry Benjamin F. Taylor ... 30 

Noble Revenge 34 

Civil War Anonymous 35 

" Dashing Rod," Trooper . . . S. Conant Foster . . . . 36 

The Tramp of Shiloh .... Joaquin Miller 38 

The Sharpshooter's Miss . . . Frank II. Gassaiuay ... 40 

The Fight at Lookout .... R.L.Cary,jun 44 

The Countersign was " Mary " . Margaret Ey tinge .... 46 
A Second Review of the Grand 

Army Bret Harte 47 

The Bivouac of the Dead 49 

The Tramp George M. Baker .... 52 

The Canteen 55 

The Charge by the Ford 56 

Harry Brandon Edmund E. Price .... 58 

Post Number Three Sherman D. Richardson . . 59 

The Patriot Spy F. M. Finch 62 

The Dandy Fifth Frank II. Gassaway ... 63 

The American Flag Joseph Rodman Drake . . 66 

Somebody's Darling Anonymous 68 

" Little Potter's " Story 69 



4 THE GRAND ARMY SPEAKER. 

PAGE 

The Bravest Boy in Town . . Emma Huntington Nason . 71 

Our Folks Ethel Lynn .' 74 

"Picciola" 70 

"Fall in". . Mary Clemmer 78 

" The Boys who NeverGot Home," George W. Peck .... 79 
Abraham Lincoln and the Poor 

Woman 80 

Elizabeth Zane John S. Adams 82 

Keenan's Charge 84 

The Old Canteen 86 

Mobile Bay 88 

Ravenswood's Oath A. Wallace Thaxter ... 90 

The Story of the Swords . . . Adelaide Cilley Waldron . 91 
" Only a Crippled Soldier ! " . . J. Russell Fisher .... 93 

Somebody's Pride Clement Scott 97 

My Wife and Child Henry Rootes Jackson . . 98 

The Song of the Drum . . . .I.E. Diekenga 99 

"Bay Billy" Frank H. Gassaway . . .102 

Sheridan's Ride 106 

" Them Yankee Blankits " . . Samuel W. Small . . . .108 

The Soldiers' Monument . . . John L. Swift 110 

The Crutch in the Corner . . . John Mcintosh 112 

Roll-call 113 

The Cruise of the Monitor . . George M. Baker . . . .115 

Missing 117 

Decoration Day Mary Bassett Hussey . . . 118 

Back from the War T. Be Witt Talmage . . .120 

A Piece of Bunting Hon. F. W. Palmer . . .121 

Grant's Strategy Judge Veazey 123 

The Charge at Valley Maloy 124 

The Hero-woman George Lippard 126 

Union of Blue and Gray . . . Paul H. Hayne .*.... 130 

After " Taps " Horace Binney Sargent . . 131 

The Soldier's Reprieve .... Rosa Harhvick Thorpe . . 133 

At Arlington James R. Randall .... 135 

The Man with the Musket . . //. S. Taylor 137 

A Baby Peacemaker Herbert W. Collingioood . . 138 

The Veterans General Sherman .... 141 

Barbara Frietchie Whittier 142 

What Saved the Union 144 

Re-enlisted Lucy Larcom 145 

The Soldier's Dream . . . . C. G. Fall 147 



IRISH DIALECT RECITATIONS. 

Edited by GEORGE M. BAKER. 

BOARDS SO CENTS PAPEU 30 CENTS. 

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CONTENTS. 

PAGE 

How Teddy Saved His Bacon 5 

Mr. O'Hoolahan's Mistake 7 

The Last of the Sarpints 

The Irish Boy and the Priest 11 

An Irish Wake 12 

Biddy's Philosophy . . R. II. Stoddard . . . 11 

Reflections on the Needle Cormac O'Leary . . 15 

The Red O'Neil Thomas S. Collier . . 16 

Deaf and Dumb Anna F. Burnham . 20 

Mr. Murphy Explains His Son's Con- 
duct 21 

A Ram for Ould Oireland 22 

The Gridiron William B. Fowle . . 23 

The " O'Meara Consolidated " . -. . Va. City Enterprise . 26 

Paddy's Metamorphosis Moore 28 

The Widow O'Shane's Rent 29 

Why Biddy and Pat Got Married 30 

Don Squixet's Ghost Harry Bolingbroke . 31 

Mr. O'Gallagher's Three Roads to 

Learning Captain Marryat . . 33 

Two Irish Idyls . . * Alfred Perceval Graves, 37 

The Broken Pitcher 3 ( .) 

Paddy's Excelsior Harper's Magazine. . 40 

The Irish Philosopher ...... 41 

Mary Maloney's Philosophy .... Philadelphia Bulletin, 42 

Bridget McRae's Wedding Anniversary Nina Gray .... 44 

Paddy O'Rafther Samuel Lover ... 45 

Pat's Reason 47 

O'Branigan's Drill W. W. Fink .... 47 

Pat and the Pig #8 

Pat and the Oysters 50 

A Penitent Margaret Eytinge . . 51 

Mike MeGaffaty's Dog Mark Melville ... 51 

Jimmy Butler and the Owl 53 

Tipperary .50 

Pat's Dream of Heaveu 58 

Biddy's Troubles 01 



IRISH DIALECT RECITATIONS. 



Make It Four, Yer Honor 62 

The Post-Boy Mrs C. J. Despard . 04 

That Fire at'the Nolans' Life 67 

Ninety-Eight 70 

Pat's Bondsman *. Lilian A. Moulton - . 71 

^Vashee, Washee Joaquin Miller . . . 73 

Annie's Ticket • 74 

O'Thello Harper's Magazine . . 76 

Lanty Leary Samuel Lover ... 77 

Katie's Answer. . 78 

Paddy's Dream 79 

Lessons in Cookery Detroit Free Press . . 80 

The Irish Traveller 82 

Teddy's Six Bulls 82 

A Miracle Charles II. Webber . . 84 

Pat and Miss Skitty Bessie Bently .... 84 

At the Rising of the Moon .... Leo Casey 86 

The Irish Schoolmaster 87 

How Dennis Took the Pledge 89 

When McGue Puts the Baby to Sleep 90 

The Confession Samvel Lover ... 91 

Father Phil's Collection Samuel Lover . . . 92 

St. Patrick's Martyrs 100 

Pat's Correspondence W. M. Giffin .... 102 

Little Pat and the Parson 104 

Patrick O'Rouke and the Frogs. . . George W. Bungay .105 

"Widow Malone Charles Lever . . . . 108 

The Birth of St. Patrick Samuel Lover. . . .109 

Murphy's Mystery of the Pork Barrel 110 

Paddy Blake's Echo . ...... Samuel Lover. . . .111 

A Cook of the Period 112 

Larry's on the Force Irwin Russell. . . . 113 

Pat and the Frogs R. M. T. 114 

Paddy's Courting W. A. Eaton .... 116 

A Bit of Gossip Josephine Pollard . . 118 

Paddvand His Pig TJO 

Teddy McGuire and Paddy O'Flynn . Amanda T. Jones . . 121 

Paudeen O'Hafferty's Say-Voyage 11:5' 

Irish Astronomy Charles G. Halpine . 128 

Paddy McGrath's Introduction to Mr. 

Bruiu 129 

Larrie O'Dee W. W. Fink .... 131 

Irish Cocpaetry 132 



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